Changing my life

I'm coming to you today from a Starbucks in Pomona California, 418 miles from my home in Sacramento. The hubby and I are deep in the process of trying to change our lives, our future, and that of our four children. And let me tell you, it has been rough going. Hubby was accepted to Cal Poly Pomona, which has a bachelor's degree in hospitality management, specifically restaurants and hotels. He is currently the manager of a restaurant back home, but is somewhat stuck where he is no matter where he goes unless he gets a degree. His acceptance to this high rated program came while he was lying in a hospital bed two days after his heart surgery, and we've been working to make it happen ever since. This program can lead to his dream, and to a better life for our children, one in which we aren't always struggling for money and the answer isn't always "no." Today he is at orientation and I am seeking housing, and in this area finding something we can afford that can house 6 people is nearly impossible. I am trying to trust that there is a plan for my family, and that if I make my best effort it will work out...but it is so hard. Did you know there is a law in California that you can't have more than 5 people in a two bedroom apartment? How ridiculous is it that the state can tell me I can't squeeze my four kids into one room? Argh. I've been consumed by the stress of this endeavor for months now, which in part is why I've been so quiet around here. I am a worrier, I have fear and I succumb to it easily...my husband is the staunchly faithful one who believes that it will all work out. It has been a difficult few months, and we are coming down to the wire and still seeking employment and a home. We can live simply, we can struggle for a purpose, we can make anything work. Someone just has to take a chance on us. Now I'll fold up my computer and vacate my table at the local Starbucks I found (aren't they all local - they are everywhere!) and head out to make phone calls and try to find a way. Changing your life isn't easy.

Short and sweet

Been MIA for awhile. Having some trouble finding my blogging groove again. But I'm still working on eating healthy and working out. I just finished my second workout of the day - 40 minutes on the stair machine at the gym. Everything is wet and sweaty, and it feels good.

Happenings

I've been absent for over a month now, and keep meaning to come back but haven't made it. We've been busy dealing with Hubby's recovery from heart surgery, and then just as he was really starting to get over the hump and feel a bit like his old self again, my oldest daughter was admitted to the hospital for three days. She has type 1 diabetes, and had gotten sick, with vomiting, which with diabetes is never simple. She ended up extremely dehydrated with really high blood sugar (you know it's bad when the hospital meter can't read the number!) and tons of ketones. Nothing scary really, just an immediate need to be on iv fluids and insulin. Got her home, and almost a week went by before her younger sister got angry with her and slammed the bedroom door, right on Anna's thumb. Nearly completely took off the nail (it will be falling off soon) and fractured the tip. It wouldn't stop bleeding, so 4 hours in the ER later (it was 10 at night before we got her over there) she came home with stitches and a splint. And a zombie thumb. Soon I believe they will dedicate a wing of that hospital to us. (It's bad when you have a nurse and you think "yeah, we had you two years ago when she was first admitted, and I didn't like you then either.) At any rate, we are just pushing along. Good things happen too - I joined a super cheap gym and am enjoying working my butt off in the mornings. There are all sorts of things to talk about, I just have trouble finding the time and the calm to do it. But I'll try to be back soon, and with more regularity, if there is anyone still reading! And just for fun, here is the zombie thumb, 2 days post-trauma and looking WAY better than it did.

Yesterday

Your heart belongs to me, or at least that's what you've said time and time again. And so, when you turned it over to the surgeons today, it felt like a part of me was pulled away. All day I sat in different spaces with the same feeling, willing myself to be distracted by conversation while secretly my mind struggled to remind me to breathe. I caught tears at the back of my eyes and sobs in my throat, tucking them away from the strangers around me.

I was patient through the hours, feeding on each report the nurse brought me but never feeling full, knowing I'd be hungry until I could feast my eyes on you again. As the clock ticked on I became restless, pacing the hallway at the hour I knew you should be done. I caught sight of your head as they wheeled you into the ICU and my breath quickened and I was revived.

The surgeon came to talk of aortas and grafts, walk me through the mending of the heart I own, drawing pictures with hands that performed amazing feats today, hands that have given you more of a life than you had this morning.

In the ICU my own inferior hands found your skin, touched you so that my mind could believe what my eyes were seeing - the man I love, safe and sound.

Miracles were wrought for you today, miracles of God and science. Care for this heart that you are housing for me as it heals that I may not have to watch it wheeled away from me again.

Check in

I just wanted to do a quick check-in since I haven't been able to this week and there are big things on the horizon for my family. Last night I went out with my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday (which is tomorrow - St. Patrick's Day) and didn't get home until 2 this morning - just to confirm, I am way too old for that! 4 1/2 hours of sleep later, here I sit making my to-do list for the day, and it's a monster.

You see, my hubby is having open-heart surgery on Wednesday. Which I really do want to tell you all about. As soon as I have a moment to sit down and really write. Maybe while I am waiting out the 6-8 hours in the hospital. And the surgery is at Stanford, which is two hours away from home and means that I will be leaving my house for approximately 10 days to stay down there. Which also meant finding care for my four children who will be left here. And we have to be down there early early Monday morning for pre-op stuff, so we leave Sunday night. And in the midst of all this, we decided (crazy people that we are) that we wanted to have a double-birthday (mine tomorrow and Jon's next Friday - happy birthday! You get a new aorta!) slash pre-surgery party. Tomorrow.

Doesn't sound so crazy until I tell you that I also have a 7k Lucky Run tomorrow morning. And My 8 year old son's opening day of baseball. And first baseball game (if it ever stops raining.) So I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything ready for, well, everything. And any time I pause for a few moments, I notice that my heart rate is elevated, and I feel kind of nauseous. Because even if I am avoiding really thinking about the surgery, my body knows what is going on. And it doesn't like it.

Anyhow, I plan on filling in details soon. Really soon. And telling you about the puppy we got. (We have excellent timing, don't we?)  But today there are race tutus to make, cookies to frost, cupcakes to bake, food trays to prepare, dog kennels and race packets to pick up, cleaning to do, packing to start, and on and on and on. I will come back soon.

Three Things Thursday

I've never done one of these, but I haven't posted in forever and thanks to #1 on the following list, I don't have a longer post in me today, so without further ado, here is my post for

Three Things Thursday

1. I am sick. Soooo sick. Monday after bootcamp I had a headache all day, and it took me until late afternoon to realize that I had a cold coming on. So I dosed up on zinc and the hubby brought me orange juice and Airborne, and I I took a hot shower and just tried to think healthy thoughts. Tuesday it had sort of migrated to my throat, but I was still doing pretty good, so I kept taking the pills and drinking juice and water, trying to flush it out. Then my son had a 1 1/2 hour baseball practice in the freezing cold. And hubby was working, so I had to go and sit out there. And I honestly think that was what did me in. I picked up some soup from the hubby's restaurant, came home, dosed myself up again and ate my soup and went to bed. Healthy thoughts, healthy thoughts...no such luck. I woke up yesterday completely sick, and have spent the last two days in bed. Tomorrow is my last day of bootcamp and I really want to go, but it is highly unlikely that I'll be able to do any of it. We'll see. 

2. My youngest son, age 5, had surgery last Friday morning on his umbilical hernia. No big deal. He was in the hospital for about 4 hours, and he did have to be put under for it, but honestly at this point I think that if it isn't spinal surgery or open heart surgery, in this family, I just have to write it off as not a big thing. He came through it just fine, the hardest moment for me being when we first walked into the hospital (the first time I've been in there since my daughter's spinal surgery a year ago last December) and all those feelings from that time just hit me. The best part was when Jonathan woke up from the anesthesia, lifted his head (he was sleeping on his side/stomach) and said "Hi Mom." And then promptly laid his head back down and went back to sleep.

Apparently his belly button is now a defender of justice

3. My husband is having open heart surgery in less than 3 weeks. I haven't posted anything about this, at first because we hadn't told anyone in our lives here, and then because I just didn't have a post about it in me with all the stress I've been under. But there is a post coming about it very soon. 

Those are my three for today. I'm headed back to the couch to die now.

New 2 U Cross Training Challenge - February

I apologize in advance for the length of this post - apparently I am not succinct in describing the torture that is bootcamp.

As of Monday I am officially over halfway through my bootcamp, and there have been many mornings on the drive home that I think "I'm going home to write a post about this," but then inevitably I got lost (only the first two days,) or had to take a record-time shower and get out of the house to meet a friend for bagels and thrift-store shopping, or had to high-tail it to get the 12 year old to school relatively on time (after homeroom but before the tardy bell for 1st period totally counts as "on time",) or got swept out on a spur-of-the-moment trip to San Francisco with my husband and kids. And by the time I've been back by a computer with time to write, it has just eluded me. But I am bound and determined to have this post written before the end of the month, as I am not going to be a New 2 U Cross Training Challenge slacker in February.

The bootcamp I am attending was chosen based mostly on the fact that it was on Deal Chicken for $25 for 12 classes - three each week for a month. It is a little bit further away than I would like, but when I first looked at the map of the location it seemed closer - I've lived in the city of Sacramento for almost a year now, and yet the proximity and position of things still eludes me. I am somewhat directionally challenged when it comes to location. What can you do? So I drive about 25 minutes to get to class, which starts at 6. I leave my house at 5:30 to be sure I get there in time, and I wake up around 5 to get up and get dressed and get myself awake enough to drive (I was waking up at 4:50, but after the first week I gave that up and realized I don't need quite that much time, when I need the extra 10-15 minutes of sleep more!) 

When we get to class, it is still dark. Pitch black kind of dark. Can't see anyone else's face kind of dark. And it is freezing. It has gradually begun to get light earlier, but the temperature on average is still freaking cold. One morning it was drizzling. Oh yeah, we're hardcore. Or at least the instructor is.

The class is on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the workout is new each Monday. We always start with a short warm up walk together, then do abs, then some strength, and then cardio, sometimes with more strength mixed in. I will not attempt to describe the ab work to you all because I can't remember what the exercises are called or exactly which ones we've done - suffice to say they are horrible and I wipe them from my mind each day in order to convince myself to go back the next time. One of my favorite parts of bootcamp is probably the 30 seconds of rest I get between each ab set, during which I lay on my back on my mat and look up at the stars. Up until he says "next set."

Strength has included lunges and squats with shoulder presses and lateral lifts, lying face down and doing T, Y, and I raises with the dumbbells, and other such things. My arms are getting toned, which is nice. I like strength training in general, and like it better when someone who knows what they are doing is telling me what to do. 

That leaves cardio. Cardio in this class is normally either pairing off/facing off with someone and/or running drills. And it always involves cones. And usually pain. The first week, Terence (our instructor) set up four cones in a field in a large square shape. A fifth cone was set some distance off from the square, and that was where we started. We did high knees to the middle of the two cones on one side of the square, and then ran around the perimeter of the cones, bending to touch each one as we rounded the corners. We did it several times, increasing in reps each day of class. After that exercise, we ran sprints against another person - terence lined us up in two teams. Again, the number of times we did that increased throughout the week, but it started out with several anyway. The class is comprised of 9 people and then Terence. When we pair off and it is uneven, someone has to run against him. One girl in the class has been going for five months and is undeniably in the best shape in our group, so it is usually her who runs against Terence. I fall somewhere in the upper-middle stamina and agility wise, and I am happy with that. I may not be near the fastest, but I'm not the slowest. 

Anyhow, the more people who attend the class, the more of a break you get in between your set, which is nice. Conversely, the fewer people that show up, the less of a break you get, if any. 

Last Monday, Terence announced that as the first part of our cardio we would be doing "suicide line drills." Does that inspire confidence in anybody? It didn't in me. And with good reason. There were four cones at varying distances away from the starting line, and you ran from the start to each one, touching the ground, then turning around and going back to the start. So the first time you went to the closest cone, touched, then ran back, then turned right around and ran to the second cone, touched, and ran back, so on and so forth. The squat that you were doing when you touched the ground seemed like no big deal at first, but after a couple times and combined with the sprinting in between, I thought it might kill me. Those were followed by more line drills, these ones with side stepping. 

Tuesday I attempted to go for a 3 mile run - my legs were so sore and tired that it was mostly walking with some running. Tuesday night I had gotten to bed really late, and only got 5 hours of sleep. I felt crappy, and didn't even set my alarm, figuring I would skip class. But at 4:56, my body woke up on its own, and 20 minutes later I had talked myself into going to class. It was AWFUL. My body couldn't perform, my quads hurt the whole time, and I was SLOW. I have not stayed up late again since then.

Monday of this week, we switched it up again. Now we are doing a drill that starts with 10 push ups, from which you go directly into sprinting down and back, before doing 9 push ups, and then sprinting again, all the way down until you do 1 push up. So it is a total of 55 push ups and 10 sprints. We were paired off again. Only three of us regulars came to class that morning, thankfully two more came from another class to make up one they missed. Still, with only 5 of us, there wasn't much breathing time in between. And someone had to run with Terence. Guess who the lucky one was?

After the 4th set, I honestly thought I was either going to throw up or pass out. Each time I finished my sprint my stomach would seize up and I'd get a little dizzy. I barely recovered before it was my turn to go again. And I couldn't slow down my running, because Terence was right there with me, telling me to keep pushing. The thought ran through my mind that at least if I passed out, I wouldn't have to finish. In the end, I didn't pass out or puke, and I was pretty proud of myself. But my whole body is sore, and even thinking about going back tomorrow morning has me in a state of dread. 

Overall, with only one week left in bootcamp, despite all the pain I've felt, I will really miss it when it's over. I wish I could afford to keep taking it, and that it was closer to my house. Each time I survive the class, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and am really proud of myself. And sometimes I feel a little bit like I rock. I am a little worried about the weigh-in and re-measure at the end of class (oh yes - I forgot to mention that we did those things at the beginning) as I know I haven't lost much (or any) weight, although I am sure I am toning so maybe the inches will be good. With only one week left in February, I'd better start looking around for my next cross training experience - hopefully another deal will pop up!

If I died

If I died tomorrow, I would look back on my life and think "I wish I hadn't worried so much about my size." I wouldn't think that I wish I'd spent more time worrying that I wasn't as thin as the next girl, or about the number on that damned scale. I wouldn't be worrying if my thighs were to thick, or if I ran so much slower than someone else. I would be thinking that I wished I had loved myself more, loved the body I was given and what it could do. Enjoyed my food instead of agonizing over every bite and feeling guilty for enjoying the taste of a good brownie. I need to just let it go for a while. Try to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin. Not allow myself to eat anything and everything, mind you, but just quit overthinking every choice I make. And quit letting my own mind make me miserable. Because if I died tomorrow, I would look back on myself with regret. Not because I was too fat or too slow or not good enough, but because I didn't realize how great I really was.

Bootcamp Baby

I grabbed a deal off of Deal Chicken yesterday for a month of M-W-F bootcamp classes for $25. What a steal! The place that runs these bootcamps usually charges $149 for this package, so I had to grab it. It starts tomorrow at 6 a.m. (I tried for the 5 a.m. but it was full - probably better for me in the long run but it makes the morning schedule a bit tighter for my family.) I am totally freaked out, but also a little excited. I am ready to be challenged and force myself to fight hard again for a while. The place is about 25 minutes away, so I've got to be out the door at 5:30 at the latest (probably earlier tomorrow since I may or may not have a habit of getting lost in unfamiliar areas...) So I'm off to bed, but not before saying a little prayer that I am not way out of my league and that I can do my best. Oh, and not die.

My 11

I love reading these lists that people are always getting tagged to do - I have a lot of fun learning random things about other bloggers! So I was really happy to be tagged by Sammy over at Happy Family, Healthy Family to answer some questions. It's taken me a few days to sit down and do it, but today I really needed some fun, and this was a great distraction!


The rules:  

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go .... 

Morgan's Random 11:

1. I got married on New Year's Eve when I was 18 years old
2. I have always wanted to be a gospel singer, but am incredibly white and a good amount Irish, so the closest I have been (and ever anticipate being) was when I played a gospel singing nun in my high school musical
3. I love stars - I have them all over my home, but that doesn't stop me from buying more
4. My birthday is on St. Patrick's day, and it was also my great-grammie's birthday
5. My mom moved back to her home state (Vermont) from California (where I live) when I was 7
6. I love Disney, and more specifically things that Walt Disney himself had a hand in (I could live at Disneyland) and have a somewhat varied and large knowledge of Disney trivia
7. I have a book addiction - at any given time I have a pile of at least 5 waiting to be read, and I can't go into the library and come out with only one 
8. I spent 2 weeks the summer after my junior year of high school driving and camping through Canada with a friend's family
9. I have a terrible track record with pets...they all ended up dead or ran away...it sometimes amazes me that all four of my kids are alive and (mostly) healthy
10. When I was a freshman in high school, I started a grease fire in my kitchen and threw water on it (no one had ever taught me not to do that!) - almost the entire house had to be repainted
11. I hate to be tickled, and my husband's jaw still clicks from when we were dating and he tickled me and my knee popped up (involuntarily) and clocked him - hey, I warned him!

My answers to Sammy's questions:

1. Favourite vege out activity? Reading
2. Fav food? Sweet italian sausage tortellini with alfredo sauce (which I hardly ever get to eat because it costs too much to feed my whole family!)
3. Place you would most like to visit? Ireland
4. Person you would most like to meet? Walt Disney 
5. Worst job? Cleaning other people's houses - I did it for a summer and hated it!
6. Favourite group class? Cross training/strength training class at my old gym - I don't know what it was called
7. Rich and lonely or poor and loved? Well, I am currently living poor and loved, so I guess I'd pick that one!
8. Secret Crush? Gerard Butler - ok, who am I kidding, it isn't a secret!
9. Scruncher or a folder ... Folder
10. Measure of a good workout  - Calories or Miles? Miles if I'm running, calories for anything else
11. Addiction? Pepsi, but I've been working hard to break it and haven't had it in over 2 weeks

My Tagees:

1. Lucy McCullough at Run Chunky Run
2. Molly at Not wasting a day
3. Kim at [Just] Trying is for Little Girls
4. Biz at My Bizzy Kitchen
5. Sam at My Weightloss Surgery Journey
6. Ali at The scales say what?!
7. Kenlie at All The Weigh
8. Laura at Mama's (soon to be) Fit Life
9. Tiina at One Crazy Penguin
10. TJ at tj's test kitchen
11. Roz at Life's a Wheeze

Questions for the Tagees:

1. If you could live anywhere else, where would you choose?
2. Favorite beverage?
3. Books or tv?
4. Favorite game (board or otherwise)?
5. Food you can't live without?
6. Dream job?
7. Favorite color?
8. Favorite type of music or band?
9. Most embarrassing moment from high school?
10. Always cold or always hot?
11. Last movie you saw?

New 2 U Cross Training Challenge

Although I completed my activity for the New 2 U Cross Training Challenge two weeks ago, I am getting my post about it in just under the wire, as it is the last day of the month. Not sure why I couldn't seem to buckle down and blog about it when I did it, or any of the time between then and now, but here it is anyway.

My kids got Just Dance 3 for the Wii for Christmas, and I found that it has a feature on it called "Just Sweat." I happen to really like Just Dance (although I like the songs on 1 and 2 better than 3, and wish Santa had brought one of those versions instead) and so the option to combine the game with working out? Sounded awesome.

So after finishing a level of the Shred one night, I popped the game in and went for it. (There is no video of this, as there were no witnesses. No one needed to see that :P ) Really, the Just Sweat version of the dances were a lot like Jazzercise, or at least what I imagine Jazzercise to be as I have never actually done it. And it did indeed make me sweat. But I didn't find it to be as fun as the regular dance versions of the game. I did a couple of the sweat songs, which were all that had thus far been unlocked, and then I switched over to the regular game to earn points and unlock some more sweat versions. Which took me a while since I don't earn as many points at a time as my children, specifically my eldest daughter. What can I say? I'm more of a free-form dancer.

I totally look like this when I work out - leotard, leg warmers and all. It's like they took a picture of me for this game ;P

At any rate, by the time I had finished my dancing/exercise, I was sufficiently sweaty and out of breath, and it was more fun than my average trip on the elliptical. I will probably revisit it as a for of cardio/cross training in the future. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do for February - it is a shorter month, after all, and it took me 31 days to get this report in!

I got out of bed, put on my running clothes, dropped the kids at school and came home, then headed out the door. And from the very beginning, things felt bad. Physically, mentally, just in general. Without all the details, I struggled through a walk/run of 3.5 miles, a track of self-loathing, anger, exhaustion, and general despair playing over and over in my head. My body didn't want to submit to what I was trying to do either. It was one of those workouts that just wasn't good. And made me feel like I am a failure. I didn't even make it all the way home (which would have made it 4 miles) - I called my husband in tears and just asked him to come get me.

I am not one of those runners who loves every day that I am out there. I don't often feel like I am soaring as I run. It doesn't come easy for me hardly ever, and I normally have to mentally talk myself through a chunk of it. I read these other blogs where the women have lost a lot of weight and now are running fanatics, and their posts read like odes to running. They are faster, they have more joy in it, and they look like the shining example of what runners are. And what I'm not. I love the feeling when I have completed a run, and I do like to run (mostly.) But it isn't what everyone says it should be. And I feel like a failure compared against that.

I'm eating well, I haven't had sugars in over a week (as defined in my last post) and yet my workouts this week have felt harder, I'm having a hard time staying motivated in general, and the scale hasn't moved. I feel distraught and irritated and frustrated and sad and just tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not as good as everyone else, like I'm not successful, like I am not pretty or good enough. Like I'm just not.

I think that on a personal level, I am not taking enough time to build myself up. I'm not dedicating myself spiritually the way that I need to be, I'm not seeking comfort there where I should be. I don't think that is all of the problem, but it could be a start.

I'm tired of being at war with myself.

Sweetie pie

Today marks day 7 since I cut sugar out of my eating. So far so good. To be clear, I need to define what I mean by cutting sugar out, lest you think I'm more awesome than I actually am. For me, right now, sugar equals sweets - cake, pastries, candy, cookies, etc etc etc, soda or other sugary drinks, and adding sugar to my foods (such as oatmeal.) I have still been eating a tablespoon of peanut butter when I have a whole wheat English muffin at breakfast, and I know that has some sugar in it. As do some sauces I have used in my cooking lately. But for the most part, I am avoiding it, and I am feeling really proud of myself.

When I am having a hard time with no treats, and I really need something to get me through, I have some sugar free Jello pudding in the fridge, and also some sugar free hot chocolate mix in the cupboard. But I don't have it every day, and I don't have more than one of those on days when I do eat it. I am not a huge fan of artificial sweeteners, but when they aid in my being able to avoid sugar in certain moments, I will eat it. 

I've also cleaned up my eating, focusing more on whole grains instead of things made with white flour, getting more veggies and fruit in, and just being more conscious in general of what goes in my mouth. Some days I am still eating a little more in volume than I should, but for the most part I'm making some good changes.

I moved up to Level 2 on the Shred, and I forgot how hard it is! Between that and middle-of-the-night bowling last night with the hubby and his employees, my shoulders are pretty sore. I had meant to get out for a run today, but we didn't get home until after 1 this morning, and I woke up feeling like I was hungover, so I didn't make it.

How is everyone else doing?

Jillian Michaels and I are not friends

You can stop smiling, Jillian. We all know you aren't that friendly.

I am a Shredder. At least part time. I pop that DVD in and put myself through 20 minutes(ish) of torture frequently. I think the workout is great for the amount of time you put in, and I think Jillian as a trainer or workout-pro knows her stuff. But I can't stand to hear anything she is saying during the DVD. Even what is supposed to be her congratulatory speech at the end of the workout grates on me. So I mute it and watch something else at the same time, either via picture-in-picture or on the computer near the tv. And in general, I'm not a huge fan of the interviews she has given, or her yelling at people on treadmills. She's just not my style. 

However, as I was running today, I was repeating one of her quotes over and over in my head. "Unless you faint, puke, or die, keep going." My legs were sore today (I blame the Shred, in fact, as well as my introduction to ice skating last night,) I was tired, and it was a hard four miles. But I just kept running that phrase through my mind and pushing through it. Near the end as I was getting close to home, I actually thought I might puke, and I said to myself "Well, if you puke you can walk. Keep going." And I made it home. So while Jillian and her yelling, pill-hocking ways may not be my cup of tea, I owe my (slow) but successful run today to her. Or whoever made up that quote and told her to use it during the Biggest Loser. 

Breaking up is hard to do

Source

Sugar, we need to talk. We both know that you're no good for me. You taste all sweet and delicious at first, and you offer a spike of energy and happiness, but then a short while later you let me down. With a crash. I know we've had a long run together, and it'll be hard to say goodbye. But we both knew this day was coming. Sure, I am going to miss you, and it will be a bit awkward when we see each other across the room at birthday parties and the like. And we could make this breakup slow and painful, drawing it out. But I'd rather leave things the way they are now - before we both say things we don't mean and I end up really hating you. Maybe, someday down the road, we can be friends, meeting up for the occasional desert or cup of tea. But for now, I need to ask you to pack your things and leave the house. Take your leftover Christmas candy, the cupcakes we made on Sunday, and the root beer and ice cream that my mother-in-law left here when she brought dessert the other night. Please don't text, don't call, don't leave sweet treats at my door. I just need my space. It's not you - it's me. Ok, it's partially you. But we can't go on living this way. This house isn't big enough for the two of us. Especially if I keep eating you.

Source

Back in the saddle

Got myself out of bed this morning with my alarm - trying to reclaim some of that feeling I had when I was training for my half last year and getting up with the alarm was part of my set, necessary routine and not something that I could question or change. Even when the kids have a day off from school and I don't have to get up. I don't have a headlamp, so I have to wait until it gets light enough to head out on the bike trail, which wasn't until 7 as it turns out. Despite the spring-like weather we have been experiencing here in Northern California (daytime highs in the 60s anyone?) it is, apparently, not spring. So it is still dark in the morning, and it is freezing. Or, actually, below freezing. I also don't really own appropriate winter running gear (I'd love to have all this stuff, but it is just expensive!) so I just did the best I could and then ran through the pain (or cold.)

I did somewhere between 2.5-3 miles, ran the whole time, and generally felt pretty good. I've taken too much time off from running, and have been waiting until the light/weather/universe makes it easier to get back into, but no more. I am unhappy with who I am right now, how I look, how I feel, and I am the only one who can change that. All the sugar in the world isn't going to make me happier, no matter how much it might feel like it in the heat of the moment. So I am forcing myself back into the healthy lifestyle (I've been doing Jillian, so it isn't like I haven't already started making steps back towards it. But it is time to really commit.)

Today is grocery shopping day, and I've got loads of great foods on the list. My workout is in (although I am playing with the idea of throwing Jillian in somewhere too.) The kids are home, which isn't always the most conducive to productivity, but I'm going to just do my best. Hope you all are too.

A thank you and a bike

I spent some time tonight reading blogs, and they were just the inspiration I needed to get my shred in before bed. So at ten pm I started Jillian up and I was off. It feels so much more peaceful to get it done than to spend the time mentally arguing with myself about doing it. Now I can sleep soundly.

I inherited a bicycle today. It is a hot mess - it was left outside in the weather for quite some time and is rusty all over and the tires are flat and the brakes aren't working. But it is a pink Schwinn hybrid/cruiser, and I am hoping with some hard work and love (and steel wool) I can fix it up. I've wanted a bike like that forever, and just can't afford to buy one. I am really excited at the prospect of using it for cross training. I live right by the American River bike trail and it beckons me to ride on it whenever I run the levee.

Thank you all for inspiring me to get my workout done tonight - hope you all are sleeping as well as I am going to!

Sweating it out

There is nothing that a good workout can't make you feel better about - or at least make you forget for a little while. It's 9:45 pm here, but I got in The Shred and four songs on Just Dance (which I highly recommend for some cardio if you haven't tried it!) Now I can take a hot shower and go to sleep more prayerfully and peacefully instead of spending the next few hours worrying about things I can't fix tonight. Sometimes sweat is better than tears.

I think I know you...

For a while now, I've felt like I haven't recognized myself. Since my 10k on Thanksgiving, my exercise dropped dramatically and my eating, well, did not. December was a month of lots of food and little movement, and as a result I have just felt uggghhh. I haven't liked how I look, I haven't liked how I felt, and I haven't liked who I've been. So I set myself the goal of starting back in with the 30 Day Shred right after the new year, and this past Monday was the day to start.

I can't say that I jumped right out of bed and got it done. In fact, I didn't start the video until 10:30 in the morning. I kicked the kids out of the living room, set my tv to picture-in-picture so that I didn't have to hear what Jillian was saying and I could (kind of) distract myself from the pain by watching Grimm, and I did the dvd. Then I did it again on Tuesday (same time.) Wednesday I didn't get it in until almost noon, but I did get it in. Thursday I managed to get it in by 9 as the kids and I were headed to my parent's to spend a couple of days (oh how I love the chance to recharge somewhere and let other people help with the kids and feed me dinner.) Friday I didn't do the video since I was with my family, but I did walk for an hour.

Then, this morning, something wonderful happened. I was awake and out of bed at 7, of my own volition, and quickly changed clothes and got the dvd going so that I would have time to finish it before taking the hubby to work. By 8 he was at work and my workout was done. And I looked at myself and thought, "hey, I think I know you." It has been so long since I have gotten up in the morning and actually wanted to get my workout in first thing, and after a week I am seeing some of the chunkiness start to recede again, and I know that toning isn't far away if I just keep going, and I am feeling good. I loved how I felt and who I was when I was working out 5 days a week, or when I was training for my half marathon, and I was doing what needed to be done. And this morning, I got a glimpse of that girl again. And all I could say was "Welcome back."