Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I got out of bed, put on my running clothes, dropped the kids at school and came home, then headed out the door. And from the very beginning, things felt bad. Physically, mentally, just in general. Without all the details, I struggled through a walk/run of 3.5 miles, a track of self-loathing, anger, exhaustion, and general despair playing over and over in my head. My body didn't want to submit to what I was trying to do either. It was one of those workouts that just wasn't good. And made me feel like I am a failure. I didn't even make it all the way home (which would have made it 4 miles) - I called my husband in tears and just asked him to come get me.

I am not one of those runners who loves every day that I am out there. I don't often feel like I am soaring as I run. It doesn't come easy for me hardly ever, and I normally have to mentally talk myself through a chunk of it. I read these other blogs where the women have lost a lot of weight and now are running fanatics, and their posts read like odes to running. They are faster, they have more joy in it, and they look like the shining example of what runners are. And what I'm not. I love the feeling when I have completed a run, and I do like to run (mostly.) But it isn't what everyone says it should be. And I feel like a failure compared against that.

I'm eating well, I haven't had sugars in over a week (as defined in my last post) and yet my workouts this week have felt harder, I'm having a hard time staying motivated in general, and the scale hasn't moved. I feel distraught and irritated and frustrated and sad and just tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not as good as everyone else, like I'm not successful, like I am not pretty or good enough. Like I'm just not.

I think that on a personal level, I am not taking enough time to build myself up. I'm not dedicating myself spiritually the way that I need to be, I'm not seeking comfort there where I should be. I don't think that is all of the problem, but it could be a start.

I'm tired of being at war with myself.


  1. You're right - we are feeling the same way. I don't know why I think this is a new struggle. It is all way to familiar. I just have to deal with it in a positive way. Everything will be okay. This day is just a blip on the eternal timeline. Good luck. You are not a not. That was great English. I'm going to listen to my Jenny Philips - Have you ever listened to her music? My favorite is "Daughter of a King" The entire album is uplifting. Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our struggles. Thank goodness this is our test -- we can do this. Have a great day!

  2. Sorry you're having such a rough time. Maybe it's just a bad day, but if you're regularly feeling this way might I suggest seeing a therapist? Sometimes it helps to just have someone impartial whom you can spill your guts to. I have to say that I had a time in my life where I was incredibly stressed, had a bad relationship with my father and my boyfriend at the time, was unhealthy. Overall just a lot of things were not going well. Therapy made a huge difference for me. Just my two cents.

    Also, once I was talking to my grandma about some more recent struggles I've had and she compared my stress about breaking off that relationship, moving, selling a house and having financial difficulties to what it felt like when she had breast cancer. Talk about putting things into perspective! I realized that even though my life wasn't perfect and it wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be that I was healthy and capable. I have no major illnesses, all my limbs are functioning, I have people who love me - these are the things I remind myself of when I'm feeling down.

    Try thinking of the things you're grateful for when you're stressed. Redirect your thoughts to external things that make you happy (husband, family, the shining sun, a roof over your head, etc.) and then think of the things about yourself that you're appreciative for (legs that allow you to run, intelligence that allows you write an interesting blog, anything that you're proud of).

    Anyway, these feelings will pass. Hopefully the rest of your week/weekend is better! :-)

  3. Hope that your week gets better ... I hate the struggle.

    For a bit of relief I've tagged you in my 11 post ....