Thursday, March 22, 2012


Your heart belongs to me, or at least that's what you've said time and time again. And so, when you turned it over to the surgeons today, it felt like a part of me was pulled away. All day I sat in different spaces with the same feeling, willing myself to be distracted by conversation while secretly my mind struggled to remind me to breathe. I caught tears at the back of my eyes and sobs in my throat, tucking them away from the strangers around me.

I was patient through the hours, feeding on each report the nurse brought me but never feeling full, knowing I'd be hungry until I could feast my eyes on you again. As the clock ticked on I became restless, pacing the hallway at the hour I knew you should be done. I caught sight of your head as they wheeled you into the ICU and my breath quickened and I was revived.

The surgeon came to talk of aortas and grafts, walk me through the mending of the heart I own, drawing pictures with hands that performed amazing feats today, hands that have given you more of a life than you had this morning.

In the ICU my own inferior hands found your skin, touched you so that my mind could believe what my eyes were seeing - the man I love, safe and sound.

Miracles were wrought for you today, miracles of God and science. Care for this heart that you are housing for me as it heals that I may not have to watch it wheeled away from me again.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Check in

I just wanted to do a quick check-in since I haven't been able to this week and there are big things on the horizon for my family. Last night I went out with my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday (which is tomorrow - St. Patrick's Day) and didn't get home until 2 this morning - just to confirm, I am way too old for that! 4 1/2 hours of sleep later, here I sit making my to-do list for the day, and it's a monster.

You see, my hubby is having open-heart surgery on Wednesday. Which I really do want to tell you all about. As soon as I have a moment to sit down and really write. Maybe while I am waiting out the 6-8 hours in the hospital. And the surgery is at Stanford, which is two hours away from home and means that I will be leaving my house for approximately 10 days to stay down there. Which also meant finding care for my four children who will be left here. And we have to be down there early early Monday morning for pre-op stuff, so we leave Sunday night. And in the midst of all this, we decided (crazy people that we are) that we wanted to have a double-birthday (mine tomorrow and Jon's next Friday - happy birthday! You get a new aorta!) slash pre-surgery party. Tomorrow.

Doesn't sound so crazy until I tell you that I also have a 7k Lucky Run tomorrow morning. And My 8 year old son's opening day of baseball. And first baseball game (if it ever stops raining.) So I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything ready for, well, everything. And any time I pause for a few moments, I notice that my heart rate is elevated, and I feel kind of nauseous. Because even if I am avoiding really thinking about the surgery, my body knows what is going on. And it doesn't like it.

Anyhow, I plan on filling in details soon. Really soon. And telling you about the puppy we got. (We have excellent timing, don't we?)  But today there are race tutus to make, cookies to frost, cupcakes to bake, food trays to prepare, dog kennels and race packets to pick up, cleaning to do, packing to start, and on and on and on. I will come back soon.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Three Things Thursday

I've never done one of these, but I haven't posted in forever and thanks to #1 on the following list, I don't have a longer post in me today, so without further ado, here is my post for

Three Things Thursday

1. I am sick. Soooo sick. Monday after bootcamp I had a headache all day, and it took me until late afternoon to realize that I had a cold coming on. So I dosed up on zinc and the hubby brought me orange juice and Airborne, and I I took a hot shower and just tried to think healthy thoughts. Tuesday it had sort of migrated to my throat, but I was still doing pretty good, so I kept taking the pills and drinking juice and water, trying to flush it out. Then my son had a 1 1/2 hour baseball practice in the freezing cold. And hubby was working, so I had to go and sit out there. And I honestly think that was what did me in. I picked up some soup from the hubby's restaurant, came home, dosed myself up again and ate my soup and went to bed. Healthy thoughts, healthy such luck. I woke up yesterday completely sick, and have spent the last two days in bed. Tomorrow is my last day of bootcamp and I really want to go, but it is highly unlikely that I'll be able to do any of it. We'll see. 

2. My youngest son, age 5, had surgery last Friday morning on his umbilical hernia. No big deal. He was in the hospital for about 4 hours, and he did have to be put under for it, but honestly at this point I think that if it isn't spinal surgery or open heart surgery, in this family, I just have to write it off as not a big thing. He came through it just fine, the hardest moment for me being when we first walked into the hospital (the first time I've been in there since my daughter's spinal surgery a year ago last December) and all those feelings from that time just hit me. The best part was when Jonathan woke up from the anesthesia, lifted his head (he was sleeping on his side/stomach) and said "Hi Mom." And then promptly laid his head back down and went back to sleep.

Apparently his belly button is now a defender of justice

3. My husband is having open heart surgery in less than 3 weeks. I haven't posted anything about this, at first because we hadn't told anyone in our lives here, and then because I just didn't have a post about it in me with all the stress I've been under. But there is a post coming about it very soon. 

Those are my three for today. I'm headed back to the couch to die now.