Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Caution - whiny road ahead

I am unable to function in the weight loss arena lately. The joy I was getting from knowing I was moving my way through the C25K, JOGGING, something I have always hated and felt too big for and thought I would never do, is no longer carrying me through. I'm still doing it, but I am not feeling excited about my progress. And then there's the food. OH the food. While I am not gorging myself on cake and cookies and soda and whatnot, I am not eating well. I am eating more than I should, especially from late afternoon through the evening. There are so many things going on in my life right now, and I used to be able to take those things and list them and tell myself they were valid reasons for my eating or not exercising or whatever. However, sadly for me, after reading all of your blogs and hearing your stories and your words of wisdom (because in this arena, you are all wise, whether you realize it or not) I am unable to see these as valid reasons anymore. Now I see them for what they are - excuses. And knowing that but not being able to turn it around and change my eating habits with that knowledge adds a whole new layer of guilt to the eating.

So while I know that these things that are happening in my life and conspiring against me are not what is really keeping me from eating well, I am hoping that if I get some of it out there, I will be able to breathe and maybe even be able to regain some control.

I mentioned before that my hubby, four kids, and I are all currently living with my mother-in-law. We have been here for over 3 years now, since my husband got laid off from his job in another state and we moved back home. After a good amount of time of joblessness, he has been working at a restaurant for the last 9  months, as a shift leader with the promise of a management position once they start opening the next couple of stores, which is happening at the end of the summer (supposedly, anyway.) And there is a lot of good growth opportunity there and it is a good job and most of the time he likes it. However, he is performing a lot of the duties of a manager without actually getting paid like a manager. Far from it, actually. So while he is working long hours and late hours and putting in all this effort, we aren't really being properly compensated for it. (He has asked for a raise until he is made assistant manager and gets salary, and we are still waiting to hear back from the big boss on it.) In the meantime, we don't make enough money to move out on our own, and I am stuck as a 30 year old mother of four who isn't really in control of her household and doesn't have the space to be the homemaker that I supposedly am. I am left feeling stunted and sometimes pointless. Add to that the fact that hubby's schedule changes weekly and is unpredictable, meaning that I can't plan my own life out more that a week at a time, and have to carefully plan to fit in workouts when hubby is home to keep the kids, and I am starting to feel walled-in.

My husband and I are also in school. I have been working on my AA for something like 10 years now - I have taken tons of classes solely for the financial aid, and so it has taken me a long time to actually work on the classes that go towards my degree. Hubby started back to school about a year or so ago. I will finally finish with the junior college after this semester, and will actually have two AA's. Hubby will move on to the state university in the fall, but I have opted to take time off and go back once all the kidlets are in school. As many of you know, going to school with kids at home is near impossible. I am stressed all the time, always trying to do homework, while still needing to parent. It makes me cranky and short-tempered and did I mention STRESSED? At this point, hubby's degree is more important, as I wouldn't be going to work right now anyway, so I am just stepping back and plan on focusing on my kids. Which is great. BUT I have to get through this semester first - and right now I have 2 5-page papers due for my two English classes that have to be done by the end of next week, as they are due the day after I get back from my trip with my dad, which means I have to have them finished before go. Anyone have a trowel and some cement?

Daughter #1 (age 10) has type 1 diabetes, (a whole other story) and scoliosis for which she wears a brace 23 hours a day, trying to put off an impending surgery, which will have to happen at some point (a whole other story.) Her doctors for both of these conditions are about 45 minutes away, and both appointments happen to fall this week but on different days, which means I am pulling kids out of school early and driving and trying to control them all in a doctor's office while waiting to hear whether or not we are handling things right or completely screwing her up, and whether or not her surgery can be put off for another few months until the next appointment. Hand me another brick.

I don't do the grocery shopping here - we buy things here and there, but really don't make enough money to seriously buy things. I have a mother-in-law who is an emotional eater, and constantly comes home with baked goods and greasy foods and things of the like. I am left standing in front of the shelves, trying in vain to find something healthy to eat, and even more in vain to avoid eating the junk food. Although, on a better note, mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, so the food choices around here should be improving (not glad she got diabetes, but hoping it is what she needs to turn her life around and make some good changes.)

Ugh, are any of you even still with me at this point? I kind of hope not - this is a long and depressing and COMPLAINING post. But even just typing it all out has given me a second to breathe, and loosened that tight coil in my chest a little. I feel so out of control of so much in my life right now, and I have really lost the ability to hope for things since so many things have been pulled out from under us, and I guess I just don't know how to take that and put it into motivation for eating right and working out. Any ideas??? A sledgehammer maybe???


  1. Use the blog for what you want to use it for. Being able to let things out allows us to keep ourselves balanced.

  2. Okay, first off, back off I'm starving? FREAKING HILARIOUS. Second, we are living sort of parallel lives. I have ridden out hubbys work, depending on others. in school with kids, AND living on the financial aid every now and again. Oh yeah, and I'm with you on C25K week 4. It sucks. I'm getting ready to do it for the second time. The end.

    So. If you can at least be consistent with the exercise, you will have at least one person out here who is IMPRESSED, SUPPORTIVE, and CLAPPING LOUDLY. Like, LOUDLY. Not a golf clap.

  3. just tow the line with the exercise and eat maintenance...
    If I lived with my MIL I would be a crack head.
    nuff said.

  4. Chris, it all comes back to the crack habit. Maybe that is what is wrong with me - I need one!

  5. I'm sure if I were still at the MIL's I would be sitting on the roof howling at the moon, in the middle of the day. She is complicated. She tries to be healthy for her type II diabetes. But she is an emotional eater too, and she buys the cheapest stuff she can. Also, soda is not healthy.

    Okay okay, I know you already know this stuff

    My point is, that if you need a place to vent-I would-then use this place. Keep going. Keep trying. Get up EVERY TIME. We'll help.

  6. Wow, I came over from Chris's blog to visit.
    I feel for you! Lots of stress for you!

    This blogging can be an awsome way of getting things off your chest! I have used one of mine as a way to vent and release at times too. It's nice because noone is looking at you, you can say what you want, how you want and no one is going to interupt you. (well except maybe the kids) lol
    I'll be back to visit.
    hoping you have a good weekend!

  7. I found your blog randomly and have read through almost every post now. Wow- this is so real! This is exactly what I go through. Not the same specifics, but the general having great intentions and feeling so out of control.
    My diet and exercise are scheduled and planned while my husband is away, but as soon he comes home I feel buried under big portions and white flour and nights of tv watching instead of exercise. And I resent him for it, because I feel out of control. Enough of my rambling... I feel ya.