Saturday, July 31, 2010

No Apologies

I had an epiphany of sorts today. As I was walking through a local shopping center, I found myself with my eyes on the ground, moving somewhat quickly without making eye contact with anyone, trying to be invisible. Now, this shopping complex was not located in the ghetto, where one might expect a bit of quick maneuvering and people-evading in order to remain safe. No, this nearby shopping center (which also happens to be the one which houses Hubby’s restaurant of employment) is a very upscale place, defined by the marketers as being akin to shopping in San Francisco (once again, the good part of town, not the scary part.) So why was my head down? While I was bee-lining for Hubby’s restaurant, it hit me – I was apologizing for myself. I was awash with the feeling that I was in a place where I didn’t belong, surrounded as I was by swanky, skinny, trendy women, and my first reaction was to be sorry to them for being in their space. I started to think about some of the other times when I apologize for who I am and what I look like, and I was upset to find that I hadn’t even noticed before that I was doing it.

Every time I hunch my shoulders and avoid making eye contact with the people walking around me, I am apologizing for myself. When I look at my favorite pair of workout pants folded in my drawer and choose the other pair because they are more forgiving in the general butt area, I am apologizing for myself. When I don’t take another piece of something at a dinner party because I am ashamed of being the fat girl who is still hungry, I am apologizing for myself. And my epiphany was – wait for it.....I don’t want to apologize for myself anymore. Apologizing for who I am isn’t making me any better liked, by others or by myself.

So I will walk with my shoulders back and my head up, and I will look people in the eye and let them know that I am there. I will wear my black stretchy workout pants to the gym, and if anyone has an opinion on my butt or my thighs, that is their problem (unless it is a good opinion, at which point they may by all means share it with me.) I will eat more if I am hungry, regardless of whose company I am in or how I think it makes me look.

I don’t want to be sorry to be me anymore.


  1. You go girl!!! We went to a birthday party for Tom's nephew this afternoon and they served big fatty country style ribs and baked macaroni & cheese that you could actually see the puddles of butter under when you scooped it out of the pan.
    And, of course, cake.
    I wanted some of all of it ... so I had it! I may not be thrilled with that decision the next time I step on the scale ... but I can't let that make every decision for me (just some of them! LOL!)!

    AND you won the Olive Garden gift card!!! I just need to know where to send it so shoot me an e-mail at whoopseedaisee @ gmail [dot] com with your address. And DO NOT apologize for ANYTHING that you enjoy when you & your husband go!

  2. I noticed that I used to do that and that as I got smaller, people larger than me would do that TO ME.
    They would was CRAZY.I wrote a whole post about it. I recognized it cause I used to do it. And short of grabbing and shaking them, I couldn't think of a way to communicate.
    They weren't looking at me.
    They were looking at the ground.
    Good, there is a whole world out there when you look up, you have nothing to apologize for.

  3. FANTASTIC! That's a big win. I wrote something last week about wearing a bikini, and if I put it on and then apologize to the world for wearing it, I'm giving the world a lot of room to be cruel.

    Confidence is attractive.

    You got this.

  4. What a great epiphany!!! I had something similar occur the other day and it was completely eye opening :)

  5. Your post is thought provoking. I agree with Mrs. F. that confidence trumps everything.

  6. hi- I couldn't replay back to your comment but I wanted to tell you that I shamefully use a jar pizza sauce. Ragu it is. lol I actually like the taste of it. Hanging my head down in shame. lol


  7. Absolutely start walking with your shoulders back and you head held high! Life is good, you are good and sometimes you have to act yourself to success.