My Sweetness will be All Natural

I should have posted sometime in the last week to capture how I was feeling, because things change quickly around my house and now I am in a new state of mind. Which is good - the state I was visiting was ugly. But what good is a blog if you don't use it to document these things? And somehow it never sounds the same when being recounted rather than written when it is happening.

At any rate, the past week has been horrendous - stress, tension and arguing with my husband, annoyance and then anger at my kids, fighting amongst themselves without stopping, so on and so forth. I was feeling so upset and guilty and such a slough of other negative emotions, and then I started eating sugar. Anything I could get my hands on. And I didn't want it AT ALL. My body told me no, the food turned to ash in my mouth, and yet I pressed on. Why is it that the only thing I am good at pushing through and forcing myself to do is bad eating? And as I thought about what I was doing, and I did think about it, even while eating a peanut butter cookie every time I passed the plate in the kitchen, I knew that I was punishing myself. For yelling at my kids, for fighting with my husband, for being so miserable. I felt bad emotionally, and I was going to make sure I felt bad physically too. I am not sure that I have ever done this before. My emotional eating in the past has been linked to boredom, or sadness, or searching for something that I am missing that can't actually be filled by sugar. But this is the first time I remember eating out of spite for myself.

And the crazy thing? I wanted to stop. My mind and body both told me no. But I was determined, and I just kept going. Well, Hubby and I were finally able to sit together and talk things out last night, without the negative emotions getting in the way, without the kids needing immediate attention, and were able to validate each other's feelings and also express what each of us has been going through separately from the other. And this morning I feel much better. Even throughout the events of the week, I was sure to get my workouts in, so those were, at least, still in place, and this morning I made it to the gym before Hubby had to leave for work at 7. And I made a goal for the day. For just the day, because right now I can't handle anything longer-term than that - with everything else that we are dealing with it becomes too overwhelming. So I will take it a day at a time.

That is it today - no sugar. I am not going to count all my calories, or cut out sugar and carbs and fats, or only eat vegetables. I am just eschewing sugar. And I am happy about it. And my stomach is happy about it - I feel nauseas just thinking about those cookies - I sent them to work with my husband. So today is a new start - thank goodness we get one every day.