After my last post, Chris commented that depression is anger turned in on oneself. She then suggested that I find someone who I can talk completely honestly with and try to get to the bottom of what I am angry about. My mouth opened a bit, and then I closed it, and opened it again, and closed it, and thought “Am I angry?” I am certainly plenty of things: disappointed, disillusioned, irritated, cranky, fearful, hopeless...but could these emotions be masking an underlying anger that is just festering away unnoticed? I haven’t yet found someone to really spill my guts to, and while usually it would be my husband, I will tell you a secret that popped into my head a few minutes after I read Chris’ comment. I think he might be who I am angry at. If the feelings that I have been experiencing really boil down to anger, that is. But the thing is, I think that I am kind of afraid to really be angry with him. Or I feel unjustified in it.
You see, he lost his job in Utah in July of 2006, and we spent several months floundering while he tried to start a home business. In October, we were inspired to move back home to California, and hubby arranged for us to stay with his mom for an unspecified period of time. Back home in Cali, he worked doing a bit of freelance stuff while still trying to get something going from home. We lived that way for about a year, with money coming in intermittently, until I felt impressed to tell him that I really felt like he needed a stable steady job and we needed to try to get out of here. Now, I don’t want anyone to think that my husband is a slacker or irresponsible – he really felt that the right path for us was for him to start his own business, and he was putting everything into it that he could, but it just wasn’t happening. At any rate, he went through a couple of different jobs, bussing tables and building cabinets while he returned to school to work on finishing his degree. Now he has worked at a new restaurant for almost a year, and has been training to be assistant manager, which should be happening soon. HOWEVER, we have lived IN HIS MOTHER’S HOUSE for over 3 years now, with 4 children, and I am a homemaker without a home to make. I can’t get a job because his schedule is always changing and there isn’t anyone to keep the four kids for me where it wouldn’t cost what I would be making. Meanwhile he does all the work of an assistant manager on an hourly worker’s pay, and has been reluctant to push the issue at work because they are basically waiting for their next store to open in July to move the guy who is getting paid for assistant managing over, thus making room for my hubby to move up and get paid for it. I think that we, his family, are getting screwed in not seeing him because they are working him all the time and not getting compensation that makes it worth it. And maybe it upsets me that it doesn’t really bother him. He is the one who looks at the future and plans that way – I am the one who looks at the now and can’t stand to live this way anymore. Part of me feels like if he really cared about getting us out, he would find a way, but the more rational part of me thinks that he is trying to build something and work his way into a position that will mean we can move out without having to struggle.
So all this time, I have labeled my feelings as something, when maybe what I am really feeling is anger. The reason I have been afraid to feel that is it isn’t all his fault – I have been complacent in the decision making, voicing my opinion but not always forcing it, and he really is working to change things. But I am angry that his plan has us living here for an undefined amount of time, while I want a date by which I will be out of this house. It makes me feel like I am being unreasonable. It makes me feel like I am looking for someone to blame for our situation, when really I have to take an equal part in the blame. So maybe it is the situation I am angry about? I feel like I am in a somewhat hopeless situation, and it makes me short tempered and irritable and like I want to EAT. And then I eat, and I get angry at myself, and hate who I am, and what I am feeling, and what I look like, and the whole thing is an endless cycle. How’s that for vomiting my emotions all over you all?