today i am sitting in the surgery waiting room at the hospital, trying not to imagine my daughter laying on a table down the hallway with an incision down the length of her back, her spine being disassembled and, eventually, reassembled with some new hardware. we are about halfway done with the surgery itself, and the nurse calls me every hour to let me know that things are still going well. i've been up since 4, at the hospital since 5:45. that siren song of the pepsi is calling to me, a sound that only i can hear and it is up to me to either avoid or succumb to. we are surrounded by family, all of us chatting and joking and just trying to pass the time and not fixate.
keeping healthy eating in tact in situations like this is, for me, a bit difficult. what i want is comfort and warmth. and what i had for breakfast was a half of a beef brisket sandwich with a barbecue/horseradish sauce, cheese, tomatoes, onions, and jalepenos on the most perfect ciabatta roll imaginable. don't judge me - if you could have smelled the meat, which the local deli we found only makes once a week, you would have ordered it too. in a heartbeat.
yesterday, before an early morning round of pre-op and xrays, i got myself out of bed and to the gym, cramming in a half hour of cardio rather than missing it altogether, and also left with a to-go bag from my trainer with resistance bands, a ball, and some workout instructions so that i can do something while i am here for the next five days. there are seven flights of stairs here, which i will be climbing intermittently as well. just because my world has gotten a little shaky doesn't mean that i am going to let myself slip away from the habits i have spent so much time forming over the last 10 weeks. plus i am hoping the working out will help me manage the stress.
so things will either be really quiet or really loud here over the weekend, depending on how exhausted/crazy/emotional i am.