Saturday, December 11, 2010

Home again home again

Yes, this little piggy is back home once more, and between you and me? The term piggy completely applies to me right now. But first things first.

Anna was discharged from the hospital Wednesday, after a final hellacious encounter with the physical therapist. The car ride home was torture, for her and me, as every bump or jostle brought tears and pain. Since we've been home, it has been a struggle to get her to eat, and she still hasn't pooped. Which makes it 9 days since the last time. Yeah. She resists me in all things right now - drinking water, eating, getting out of bed to walk, and sitting in anything resembling an upright position. And to make her do these things, over and over, causing her pain because the doctor and physical therapist told me to? Is exhausting and painful for me.

She can't get out of bed on her own, walk around on her own, go to the bathroom on her own. She can't be in a car until January. At 12:30 and 4:30 in the morning I get up to give her pills for the pain, plus whatever other times I hear her moaning or crying in pain over the baby monitor. Hubby is working double shifts this week because he is training a new staff for a restaurant which is opening a new location next Thursday (same chain he was working at already, just a new location for him.) The new location is further away as well. So for the past 4 days he has had to leave the house by 6:40 a.m., and isn't coming home until 11 at night. Which pretty much makes this the Morgan show. And when I was in the hospital with Anna, just Anna, with nurses backing me up, that was tolerable (though not always pleasant.) But here at home, with the other 3 kids added back in, and life and home still needing attention and work? I am barely holding it together. And that is probably the understatement of the year.

And all of this craziness, exhaustion, and frustration is leading to eating eating eating. I am chasing something that will give me comfort, or stimulation, or energy, and not finding it. Which doesn't stop me. That weight I worked so hard to get off? The tone I worked so hard to build up? Disappearing like an oasis in the desert. I haven't gained more than 3 pounds yet. But that is the key work there. YET. Friday, desperate to get my butt moving again, I forced myself to go tot he gym after Anna's 4:30 meds rather than climbing back into bed. And it was hard to workout. And that sucked. Because a week ago I could totally do it.

So that is where I am - I feel the walls closing in, and I am combating it with food, and obviously that needs to stop. And obviously I am going to have to continue to go to the gym at 4:30 if that is the only time that I have the chance. I say obviously, but saying it and doing it are two different things. I'm definitely going to need some support. Anyone got some to lend?


  1. I wish I could do more, but all I can do is tell you that these are the moments in which we discover how strong we really are. I believe you are strong enough to survive this and be there for your daughter and yourself the way you both need it. You will be surprised at how much you can take and one day, things will be better.
    Keep working out and eating healthy as much as you can, if anything, it will help you feel better at all times of the day.

  2. hang in there. Do you have any family that can spell you to get some sleep. Sleep and a walk and good food is critical. The caretaker needs a caretaker. once or twice a week. hugs.