Thursday, March 25, 2010

How do you find the why's?

Several thoughts have been incubating in my head the last few days while my blog has been quiet, and I have been trying to flesh them out so that I can pseudo-successfully share them here. And yet every time I sit to do it, to hit the keys and type something out, I draw a blank. The thoughts flow freely while I am far from my keyboard, but somehow here, I get a kind of computer-induced mental block. So I am just going to dive into one of the thoughts and see how it goes.

So many of the weight-loss blogs I read encourage deep, introspective looks into why I eat and why I ever allowed myself to gain so much weight. So many people have these tragic backgrounds, or at the very least obvious happenings which contributed to their eating and/or weight gain, and to their inability to successfully lose weight and keep it off. I was mulling this over myself, trying to figure out when was that key pivotal moment in my life that triggered the last 10 1/2 years of struggle with myself. And here is what I kept coming back to: Yes, I have had some very rocky, pretty awful times in my life. I can point to them and share my sob stories as well as anyone else, and I bet that a lot of people would feel badly for me and lend their support and it would be a love-fest. However, I don't feel completely comfortable with blaming my weight on the hard times in life. I feel like doing that, for me, would be like saying it wasn't my fault. It would feel like I wasn't taking responsibility for what I have let happen to myself.

I do suppose, though, that those of you who have been able to really look back into your past and find out how what happened to you caused you to start eating and not stop have maybe been able to figure out why it affected you in that way, and why you reacted by eating. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. I know when I gained the weight, and I know why I was feeding my face, but I don't know why I have never been able to stop. And all of the reliving of those painful times in my life hasn't made it any more clear. So I am not sure what to do about that.


  1. i'm not so sure that you do know why you were feeding yourself.
    I don't think anybody who talks about their past is blaming their starts to explain where things went awry and perhaps why someone may have turned to food (or alcohol, or drugs)..
    For example. I don't use my past as an excuse. I use it as illustration of how emotional baggage that is left packed can lead to psychological issues you attempt to stuff down with food, instead of dealing with them and finishing them. I used food to numb my pain. Ignoring that fact because I didn't want to 'use it as an excuse' would have been extremely counterproductive.
    I never would have dealt with 'why' i use the food...consequently I never would have found an alternative way to deal my pain....such as talk it out through blogging, share it with friends. Or better yet, get some closure by dealing with the source of my pain. Either by confronting the source or forgiving the source.
    Stop reliving it...start finishing it.
    I used to relive it..thinking it would help.
    Now if it comes up I don't relive it, I deal with it.
    That is the most honest and responsible thing you can do.
    It's not just figuring out why...It's dealing with it by confronting it and finishing it.
    This is the second blog to deal with this.
    this is strange.
    I think I found my subject matter for tomorrow's post.
    Hope you figure things out.
    I did and that is why I have been able to dump 95 lbs.

  2. This post makes me smile. Thank you.

    I'm obsessed with trying to figure out a way to not do what I did before. Because-for me-the bad things that happened are statistically likely to happen again. And I can't control that. My fascination comes not from past retrospective spans, but future prevention.

    I'm trying to understand the triggers and how to carry on the lifestyle change through the next crises that arise. I maintained a healthy weight for 2-3 years 3 times in my life. Each time I got derailed it was a tragedy or major negative event.

    Now I have scenarios that may play out again that I can do combat planning for. But realistically my best plan is just like you-to ingrain this lifestyle so deep that it can't come out. And keep climbing.

    I go in phases. If looking back isn't good for you, don't. It's not good for you. You're thinking doing great things. Keep it up.