Back Off I'm Starving

If I died

2012-02-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

If I died tomorrow, I would look back on my life and think "I wish I hadn't worried so much about my size." I wouldn't think that I wish I'd spent more time worrying that I wasn't as thin as the next girl, or about the number on that damned scale. I wouldn't be worrying if my thighs were to thick, or if I ran so much slower than someone else. I would be thinking that I wished I had loved myself more, loved the body I was given and what it could do. Enjoyed my food instead of agonizing over every bite and feeling guilty for enjoying the taste of a good brownie. I need to just let it go for a while. Try to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin. Not allow myself to eat anything and everything, mind you, but just quit overthinking every choice I make. And quit letting my own mind make me miserable. Because if I died tomorrow, I would look back on myself with regret. Not because I was too fat or too slow or not good enough, but because I didn't realize how great I really was.

Bootcamp Baby

2012-02-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

I grabbed a deal off of Deal Chicken yesterday for a month of M-W-F bootcamp classes for $25. What a steal! The place that runs these bootcamps usually charges $149 for this package, so I had to grab it. It starts tomorrow at 6 a.m. (I tried for the 5 a.m. but it was full - probably better for me in the long run but it makes the morning schedule a bit tighter for my family.) I am totally freaked out, but also a little excited. I am ready to be challenged and force myself to fight hard again for a while. The place is about 25 minutes away, so I've got to be out the door at 5:30 at the latest (probably earlier tomorrow since I may or may not have a habit of getting lost in unfamiliar areas...) So I'm off to bed, but not before saying a little prayer that I am not way out of my league and that I can do my best. Oh, and not die.

My 11

2012-02-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

I love reading these lists that people are always getting tagged to do - I have a lot of fun learning random things about other bloggers! So I was really happy to be tagged by Sammy over at Happy Family, Healthy Family to answer some questions. It's taken me a few days to sit down and do it, but today I really needed some fun, and this was a great distraction!

The rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go ....

Morgan's Random 11:

I got married on New Year's Eve when I was 18 years old
I have always wanted to be a gospel singer, but am incredibly white and a good amount Irish, so the closest I have been (and ever anticipate being) was when I played a gospel singing nun in my high school musical
I love stars - I have them all over my home, but that doesn't stop me from buying more
My birthday is on St. Patrick's day, and it was also my great-grammie's birthday
My mom moved back to her home state (Vermont) from California (where I live) when I was 7
I love Disney, and more specifically things that Walt Disney himself had a hand in (I could live at Disneyland) and have a somewhat varied and large knowledge of Disney trivia
I have a book addiction - at any given time I have a pile of at least 5 waiting to be read, and I can't go into the library and come out with only one
I spent 2 weeks the summer after my junior year of high school driving and camping through Canada with a friend's family
I have a terrible track record with pets...they all ended up dead or ran away...it sometimes amazes me that all four of my kids are alive and (mostly) healthy
When I was a freshman in high school, I started a grease fire in my kitchen and threw water on it (no one had ever taught me not to do that!) - almost the entire house had to be repainted
I hate to be tickled, and my husband's jaw still clicks from when we were dating and he tickled me and my knee popped up (involuntarily) and clocked him - hey, I warned him!

My answers to Sammy's questions:

Favourite vege out activity? Reading
Fav food? Sweet italian sausage tortellini with alfredo sauce (which I hardly ever get to eat because it costs too much to feed my whole family!)
Place you would most like to visit? Ireland
Person you would most like to meet? Walt Disney
Worst job? Cleaning other people's houses - I did it for a summer and hated it!
Favourite group class? Cross training/strength training class at my old gym - I don't know what it was called
Rich and lonely or poor and loved? Well, I am currently living poor and loved, so I guess I'd pick that one!
Secret Crush? Gerard Butler - ok, who am I kidding, it isn't a secret!
Scruncher or a folder ... Folder
Measure of a good workout - Calories or Miles? Miles if I'm running, calories for anything else
Addiction? Pepsi, but I've been working hard to break it and haven't had it in over 2 weeks

My Tagees:

Lucy McCullough at Run Chunky Run
Molly at Not wasting a day
Kim at [Just] Trying is for Little Girls
Biz at My Bizzy Kitchen
Sam at My Weightloss Surgery Journey
Ali at The scales say what?!
Kenlie at All The Weigh
Laura at Mama's (soon to be) Fit Life
Tiina at One Crazy Penguin
TJ at tj's test kitchen
Roz at Life's a Wheeze

Questions for the Tagees:

If you could live anywhere else, where would you choose?
Favorite beverage?
Books or tv?
Favorite game (board or otherwise)?
Food you can't live without?
Dream job?
Favorite color?
Favorite type of music or band?
Most embarrassing moment from high school?
Always cold or always hot?
Last movie you saw?

New 2 U Cross Training Challenge

2012-01-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

Although I completed my activity for the New 2 U Cross Training Challenge two weeks ago, I am getting my post about it in just under the wire, as it is the last day of the month. Not sure why I couldn't seem to buckle down and blog about it when I did it, or any of the time between then and now, but here it is anyway.

My kids got Just Dance 3 for the Wii for Christmas, and I found that it has a feature on it called "Just Sweat." I happen to really like Just Dance (although I like the songs on 1 and 2 better than 3, and wish Santa had brought one of those versions instead) and so the option to combine the game with working out? Sounded awesome.

So after finishing a level of the Shred one night, I popped the game in and went for it. (There is no video of this, as there were no witnesses. No one needed to see that :P ) Really, the Just Sweat version of the dances were a lot like Jazzercise, or at least what I imagine Jazzercise to be as I have never actually done it. And it did indeed make me sweat. But I didn't find it to be as fun as the regular dance versions of the game. I did a couple of the sweat songs, which were all that had thus far been unlocked, and then I switched over to the regular game to earn points and unlock some more sweat versions. Which took me a while since I don't earn as many points at a time as my children, specifically my eldest daughter. What can I say? I'm more of a free-form dancer.

I totally look like this when I work out - leotard, leg warmers and all. It's like they took a picture of me for this game ;P

At any rate, by the time I had finished my dancing/exercise, I was sufficiently sweaty and out of breath, and it was more fun than my average trip on the elliptical. I will probably revisit it as a for of cardio/cross training in the future. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do for February - it is a shorter month, after all, and it took me 31 days to get this report in!

2012-01-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

I got out of bed, put on my running clothes, dropped the kids at school and came home, then headed out the door. And from the very beginning, things felt bad. Physically, mentally, just in general. Without all the details, I struggled through a walk/run of 3.5 miles, a track of self-loathing, anger, exhaustion, and general despair playing over and over in my head. My body didn't want to submit to what I was trying to do either. It was one of those workouts that just wasn't good. And made me feel like I am a failure. I didn't even make it all the way home (which would have made it 4 miles) - I called my husband in tears and just asked him to come get me.

I am not one of those runners who loves every day that I am out there. I don't often feel like I am soaring as I run. It doesn't come easy for me hardly ever, and I normally have to mentally talk myself through a chunk of it. I read these other blogs where the women have lost a lot of weight and now are running fanatics, and their posts read like odes to running. They are faster, they have more joy in it, and they look like the shining example of what runners are. And what I'm not. I love the feeling when I have completed a run, and I do like to run (mostly.) But it isn't what everyone says it should be. And I feel like a failure compared against that.

I'm eating well, I haven't had sugars in over a week (as defined in my last post) and yet my workouts this week have felt harder, I'm having a hard time staying motivated in general, and the scale hasn't moved. I feel distraught and irritated and frustrated and sad and just tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not as good as everyone else, like I'm not successful, like I am not pretty or good enough. Like I'm just not.

I think that on a personal level, I am not taking enough time to build myself up. I'm not dedicating myself spiritually the way that I need to be, I'm not seeking comfort there where I should be. I don't think that is all of the problem, but it could be a start.

I'm tired of being at war with myself.

Sweetie pie

2012-01-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

Today marks day 7 since I cut sugar out of my eating. So far so good. To be clear, I need to define what I mean by cutting sugar out, lest you think I'm more awesome than I actually am. For me, right now, sugar equals sweets - cake, pastries, candy, cookies, etc etc etc, soda or other sugary drinks, and adding sugar to my foods (such as oatmeal.) I have still been eating a tablespoon of peanut butter when I have a whole wheat English muffin at breakfast, and I know that has some sugar in it. As do some sauces I have used in my cooking lately. But for the most part, I am avoiding it, and I am feeling really proud of myself.

When I am having a hard time with no treats, and I really need something to get me through, I have some sugar free Jello pudding in the fridge, and also some sugar free hot chocolate mix in the cupboard. But I don't have it every day, and I don't have more than one of those on days when I do eat it. I am not a huge fan of artificial sweeteners, but when they aid in my being able to avoid sugar in certain moments, I will eat it.

I've also cleaned up my eating, focusing more on whole grains instead of things made with white flour, getting more veggies and fruit in, and just being more conscious in general of what goes in my mouth. Some days I am still eating a little more in volume than I should, but for the most part I'm making some good changes.

I moved up to Level 2 on the Shred, and I forgot how hard it is! Between that and middle-of-the-night bowling last night with the hubby and his employees, my shoulders are pretty sore. I had meant to get out for a run today, but we didn't get home until after 1 this morning, and I woke up feeling like I was hungover, so I didn't make it.

How is everyone else doing?

Jillian Michaels and I are not friends

2012-01-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

You can stop smiling, Jillian. We all know you aren't that friendly.

I am a Shredder. At least part time. I pop that DVD in and put myself through 20 minutes(ish) of torture frequently. I think the workout is great for the amount of time you put in, and I think Jillian as a trainer or workout-pro knows her stuff. But I can't stand to hear anything she is saying during the DVD. Even what is supposed to be her congratulatory speech at the end of the workout grates on me. So I mute it and watch something else at the same time, either via picture-in-picture or on the computer near the tv. And in general, I'm not a huge fan of the interviews she has given, or her yelling at people on treadmills. She's just not my style.

However, as I was running today, I was repeating one of her quotes over and over in my head. "Unless you faint, puke, or die, keep going." My legs were sore today (I blame the Shred, in fact, as well as my introduction to ice skating last night,) I was tired, and it was a hard four miles. But I just kept running that phrase through my mind and pushing through it. Near the end as I was getting close to home, I actually thought I might puke, and I said to myself "Well, if you puke you can walk. Keep going." And I made it home. So while Jillian and her yelling, pill-hocking ways may not be my cup of tea, I owe my (slow) but successful run today to her. Or whoever made up that quote and told her to use it during the Biggest Loser.

Breaking up is hard to do

2012-01-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

Source

Sugar, we need to talk. We both know that you're no good for me. You taste all sweet and delicious at first, and you offer a spike of energy and happiness, but then a short while later you let me down. With a crash. I know we've had a long run together, and it'll be hard to say goodbye. But we both knew this day was coming. Sure, I am going to miss you, and it will be a bit awkward when we see each other across the room at birthday parties and the like. And we could make this breakup slow and painful, drawing it out. But I'd rather leave things the way they are now - before we both say things we don't mean and I end up really hating you. Maybe, someday down the road, we can be friends, meeting up for the occasional desert or cup of tea. But for now, I need to ask you to pack your things and leave the house. Take your leftover Christmas candy, the cupcakes we made on Sunday, and the root beer and ice cream that my mother-in-law left here when she brought dessert the other night. Please don't text, don't call, don't leave sweet treats at my door. I just need my space. It's not you - it's me. Ok, it's partially you. But we can't go on living this way. This house isn't big enough for the two of us. Especially if I keep eating you.

Source

Back in the saddle

2012-01-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

Got myself out of bed this morning with my alarm - trying to reclaim some of that feeling I had when I was training for my half last year and getting up with the alarm was part of my set, necessary routine and not something that I could question or change. Even when the kids have a day off from school and I don't have to get up. I don't have a headlamp, so I have to wait until it gets light enough to head out on the bike trail, which wasn't until 7 as it turns out. Despite the spring-like weather we have been experiencing here in Northern California (daytime highs in the 60s anyone?) it is, apparently, not spring. So it is still dark in the morning, and it is freezing. Or, actually, below freezing. I also don't really own appropriate winter running gear (I'd love to have all this stuff, but it is just expensive!) so I just did the best I could and then ran through the pain (or cold.)

I did somewhere between 2.5-3 miles, ran the whole time, and generally felt pretty good. I've taken too much time off from running, and have been waiting until the light/weather/universe makes it easier to get back into, but no more. I am unhappy with who I am right now, how I look, how I feel, and I am the only one who can change that. All the sugar in the world isn't going to make me happier, no matter how much it might feel like it in the heat of the moment. So I am forcing myself back into the healthy lifestyle (I've been doing Jillian, so it isn't like I haven't already started making steps back towards it. But it is time to really commit.)

Today is grocery shopping day, and I've got loads of great foods on the list. My workout is in (although I am playing with the idea of throwing Jillian in somewhere too.) The kids are home, which isn't always the most conducive to productivity, but I'm going to just do my best. Hope you all are too.

A thank you and a bike

2012-01-12T22:50:00.001-08:00

I spent some time tonight reading blogs, and they were just the inspiration I needed to get my shred in before bed. So at ten pm I started Jillian up and I was off. It feels so much more peaceful to get it done than to spend the time mentally arguing with myself about doing it. Now I can sleep soundly.

I inherited a bicycle today. It is a hot mess - it was left outside in the weather for quite some time and is rusty all over and the tires are flat and the brakes aren't working. But it is a pink Schwinn hybrid/cruiser, and I am hoping with some hard work and love (and steel wool) I can fix it up. I've wanted a bike like that forever, and just can't afford to buy one. I am really excited at the prospect of using it for cross training. I live right by the American River bike trail and it beckons me to ride on it whenever I run the levee.

Thank you all for inspiring me to get my workout done tonight - hope you all are sleeping as well as I am going to!

Sweating it out

2012-01-09T21:52:00.001-08:00

There is nothing that a good workout can't make you feel better about - or at least make you forget for a little while. It's 9:45 pm here, but I got in The Shred and four songs on Just Dance (which I highly recommend for some cardio if you haven't tried it!) Now I can take a hot shower and go to sleep more prayerfully and peacefully instead of spending the next few hours worrying about things I can't fix tonight. Sometimes sweat is better than tears.

I think I know you...

2012-01-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

For a while now, I've felt like I haven't recognized myself. Since my 10k on Thanksgiving, my exercise dropped dramatically and my eating, well, did not. December was a month of lots of food and little movement, and as a result I have just felt uggghhh. I haven't liked how I look, I haven't liked how I felt, and I haven't liked who I've been. So I set myself the goal of starting back in with the 30 Day Shred right after the new year, and this past Monday was the day to start.

I can't say that I jumped right out of bed and got it done. In fact, I didn't start the video until 10:30 in the morning. I kicked the kids out of the living room, set my tv to picture-in-picture so that I didn't have to hear what Jillian was saying and I could (kind of) distract myself from the pain by watching Grimm, and I did the dvd. Then I did it again on Tuesday (same time.) Wednesday I didn't get it in until almost noon, but I did get it in. Thursday I managed to get it in by 9 as the kids and I were headed to my parent's to spend a couple of days (oh how I love the chance to recharge somewhere and let other people help with the kids and feed me dinner.) Friday I didn't do the video since I was with my family, but I did walk for an hour.

Then, this morning, something wonderful happened. I was awake and out of bed at 7, of my own volition, and quickly changed clothes and got the dvd going so that I would have time to finish it before taking the hubby to work. By 8 he was at work and my workout was done. And I looked at myself and thought, "hey, I think I know you." It has been so long since I have gotten up in the morning and actually wanted to get my workout in first thing, and after a week I am seeing some of the chunkiness start to recede again, and I know that toning isn't far away if I just keep going, and I am feeling good. I loved how I felt and who I was when I was working out 5 days a week, or when I was training for my half marathon, and I was doing what needed to be done. And this morning, I got a glimpse of that girl again. And all I could say was "Welcome back."

Run to Feed the Hungry 2011

2011-11-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays all! I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving last week - mine was great!

I signed up for my local Thanksgiving race - The Run to Feed the Hungry. Last year, the 5k at this annual race was my very first race ever, the first time I had run that far, and the first time I felt like a runner. This year, my friend Brandi once again agreed to run with me, but we opted for the 10k. Just like last year, I headed into the race not knowing for sure if we would be able to run the whole thing without walking - the furthest I have run since my half-marathon is 4 miles, although I have been doing that regularly. Brandi, whose husband is in the Air Force and is often gone for weeks at a time, has been running sporadically at best, and so going in we were both a bit uncertain as to how it would go.

To make things a bit more fun, I decided to make us a couple of Thanksgiving tutus for the run, marking my first race in a tutu. I see them all over on people's blogs, and they are always smiling, so I thought "Hey, why not?!" I spent Wednesday morning putting them together (during a "Gone With the Wind" marathon - "Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies!") and was really pleased with how they came out.

For the first time in the 18 year history of this race, the morning was grey and rainy. Not just a little sprinkling, but rainy. We were wet before the race even started. But we stuck it out in our fabulous tutus and waited for the gun to go off. (I can't tell you how many whisperings I heard as we made our way through the crowd about how cute our skirts were, and people were constantly passing us as we ran and complimenting them. Totally boosts your self esteem despite the fact that you are sweaty and red!)

The first mile or two I was cold and the water was running down my face, but soon I was warmed up and the rain felt like a blessing. We don't talk much when we run together, so we were both plugged into our music and just keeping pace together, checking in with a "How are you doing" and a nod every once in a while. I had loaded my iPhone with a mix that included the occasional Christmas song, (ones that were a great tempo for my running) and I was really pleased with the result when I hit shuffle. (*side note - when you run with music, do you ever wish everyone around you could hear it too, because you are sure that you would all break into song and dance like that parade scene from Ferris Bueller? No? Oh, me neither....)

I told Brandi about a half mile in that we would make it to mile 2 without walking, and then see how we were doing. When we got to 3 without trouble, I told her we were shooting for 4. (It was a big reverse for me to be the one in better running condition - I can't believe that I have become someone who encourages others in these situations!) At that point, she said she had never run that far before, and that was pulling her through. I said we'd get to 5 and check in again. By the time we hit the 5 mile marker, she said "We've got this!" I have to give her props - her body was killing her from about mile 2 on, and still she pushed on. We kept on running, and when we were pretty close to the finish, we kicked it up about 5 notches and just all-out ran for the finish line. When we came to a top on the other side, I thought I might puke, but I held it together.

Overall, it was a great run, and I was thrilled with how we did. I love those days where you are able to show yourself that you are stronger than you think you are. And I found a new love of running in tutus - I am envisioning an array of colors for different runs. Fun!

Fun Run, Pie, and New Shoes

2011-11-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

My local Fleet Feet Sports has Tuesday fun runs every week, usually sponsored by some athletic gear company. This week, I was brave and signed up to join in the "fun." They start at 6 at night, and follow a 3 mile loop (which you can extend if you want.) I had to force myself to go tonight - I was really nervous about my speed and ability, about the fact that I was alone, and just about the unknown in general. But I went, and got there a few minutes late but just before they left.

Due to the fact that I was late, I missed the part where they tell you what the route is. This resulted in my having to keep someone in my sights at all times so that I could actually make it back to the store. It was hard, as the group I got caught following was running faster than my normal pace, but I pushed myself and managed to keep up and made it back to the store (fear of getting lost alone in the dark in the city is a great motivator!) Upon arrival back at the store, there were snacks and water and cider and, oh yeah, pumpkin pie. Mmmmhmmm. It was delicious!

There was also a raffle for some products - Mizuno was the sponsor tonight. They were raffling off hats, gloves, shirts, and shoes. Guess who won a pair of Mizuno running shoes? That's right - this girl! I got fitted at the store, they gave me options, watched me run, etc, and I walked away wearing a brand new pair of Mizuno Enigmas - $130 shoes for FREE! And let me tell you, I needed them! I have been wearing my previous pair for far too long - in fact, when I went to Fleet Feet last week and tried some on, one of the staff members put my old shoes in the toss pile by accident. Yup, they are that bad. But we don't have the money for new shoes, so I have been putting up with it (bad bad bad, I know.)

So my reward for making myself go to the run tonight despite my fears was a pair of much needed shoes. What a great night! I know what I am thankful for today.

I Am

2011-11-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

I Am

I am strong

I am curvy

I am persistent

I am diligent

I am capable

I am pretty

I am smart

I am funny

I am kind

I am a good friend

I am sweet

I am genuine

I am interesting

I am valuable

I am talented

I am caring

I am worthwhile

I am determined

I am important

Enough focusing on what I am not.

What are you???

Happy Mail Day

2011-11-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

I've been having a rough couple of days. Hubby's job is causing some issues for him, which in turn causes issues for me. Moods around here haven't been the greatest, and I am a worrier by nature so my thought patterns have been heavy. But each day I am afforded at least one ray of light to break up the grey. Yesterday the rays involved my kids. But the day before that, the biggest beam of light came in the mail.

Remember when I won the Brita giveaway over at MizFit last week? Here it is! I was so excited to open the package. I asked my lovely assistant to help model the new merchandise. Note that she has inherited her father's goofiness. I had my camera on continuous shot and just told her to show off the box...

So here's the loot - a pretty purple filter pitcher, a filtered water bottle, and an extra filter. Yay!

We live in the city. When we first moved here in March, I couldn't stand the water. It definitely has a taste. I've accustomed myself to it over time, so I was really interested in seeing what kind of a difference the filter would make.

Tap water

Meh.

Filtered water...

Delicious!

Honestly, there was really a difference in the taste with the filtered water. It was clean and smooth, and I was immediately struck by how far I had fallen from good pure water since getting used to the city version.

So I now have a water bottle that I keep filled to take with me whenever I leave the house (which I also look forward to filling from a random water fountain to test its filtering skills) and a filtered pitcher which stays in the fridge for cold, clear, clean water all day long. If you live where the water is anything less than stellar, and especially if it is causing you to drink less water than you should, I highly recommend the Brita line. (And this is my own review and recommendation - Brita doesn't even know who I am, nor, I'm sure, do they care!)

In other business, I ran 4 miles this morning. It is COLD out there, and I need to step up my search for some winter bottoms for running. Now that I've used compression shorts, I can't go back to plain workout capris. But the compression capris and pants are so expensive! I'm on the hunt for a good deal.

So, 3.5 miles Monday morning, 3 miles Monday night, and 4 miles this morning - things are adding up this week.

Endorphins please

2011-11-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

I do not endorse strangling your children...but do know the feeling

I am crawling out of my skin. My day started going downhill around noon, and has only gathered velocity since then. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice to say today is one of those days where you can see why some people hide in the closet from their families, rocking back and forth and downing their secret stash of chocolate bars. At the very least it is making me consider having a secret stash of chocolate bars. And a closet big enough to hide in.

Instead, I am going to drive 20 minutes to my sister-in-law's and go for a run with her. A second run in one day is new for me. Night running - also new. Hopefully the activity, and the company, will calm my rolling blood and allow me to come home and sleep peacefully. And hopefully tomorrow morning things will be better.

Back on the road

2011-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

I finally got out for a run this morning after over a week of not running. And it felt good. It wasn't the easiest run I've done, but it felt great just to know that I was doing it. At one point my mind flashed back to the alternate possibility, in which I would have been warm and cozy on my couch watching tv with my son, and rather than longing for that, I felt the way that I would have been down on myself for not getting my butt moving. In that instant, through the heavy breathing and sweating, I could actually feel that I made the right choice. I am still a little phlegmy from my cold, and running in my skirt is officially no longer a happy thing (my legs were bright pink and freezing by the time I got home) but overall it just felt good. 3.5 miles done this morning.

I went grocery shopping on Saturday (payday) and spent quite a chunk of change as we hadn't been able to grocery shop with the last paycheck, leaving our cupboards very bare by this weekend. I am now stocked with lots of fruits and vegetables, brown rice, steel cut oatmeal, and other things to help me have a successful couple of weeks. I am looking forward to it.

Listening to the tiny voice

2011-11-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

In the past 2 1/2 weeks, I have only ran twice. And I've been stressing over it, big time. I've been sick since Sunday, the kind of sick where I would make it about a half mile if I was lucky before collapsing on the ground in a heap. On the levee by the river, I'm not sure anyone would check on me either. They might just figure I was homeless and leave me there. So I haven't been able to run the last several days, but the time before that I just wasn't running. Something about the combo of the pitch dark and cold didn't lure me out of the house (or my bed) for a while. I've been feeling major guilt and stress about it as I swear I am watching my thighs grow and my endurance decrease daily.

Last night as I was mentally freaking out over it, the tiniest voice in my head was trying to be heard over the shouts of disapproval and dissention. I had to forcibly quiet my mind in order to hear it. And what was it saying? "This isn't permanent. It isn't the end of everything you've worked toward. You can build it back up." Simple, I know, but amid the normal onslaught of "You're not good enough" "You are too chunky to run" "Only a worthless person would just not work out for two weeks" (all of which is thought by me, directed at me) it was a startling statement. It took me a bit by surprise. So I took a couple of calming breaths, and focused on those statements. Which are all true. As soon as I am able, I will head back out to run, and if my endurance has gone way down, I will start small and build it back up. I did it before, I can do it again. Two and a half weeks can't erase everything I've done - I won't be starting from scratch.

As I was reading blogs this morning, I was greeted with a couple of running challenges (thanks to (Just) Trying is for Little Girls for informing me of them.) So I signed up to add motivation. One is the Holiday Bootie Buster Challenge over at Run To The Finish, where you get points for how active you are and the healthy choices you make, and points win you cool prizes. The other is the Healthy Thankful Blogger 5k over at A Journey to Thin. It also has a cool giveaway. I am not above being bribed to run. Go check them both out and sign up to add some more fuel to your fire of motivation.

Do you ever get caught up in feeling like your "off" days are the end of everything you've worked for? How do you bust out of that mentality?

Being sick, winning, and some pictures

2011-11-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

I thought it wouldn't get me. I thought I was taking all the precautions necessary to beat it. But the odds were against me from the start. The miracle is that it didn't take me sooner. I've got it. The head cold that has been going around out there, and in here among my four children. I thought by hand washing and avoiding direct contact with their germy hands and faces that I could skip this go-round, but no such luck. It started as a runny nose and watery eyes and has progressed to thick mucus and a little congestion. Here's hoping I don't develop the dry cough that won't stop. Ugh. I'm downing water and taking my Zinc and just hoping it is over soon - I am on day 3 already.

In a happier vein, I am a winner! MizFit did a water drinking Brita challenge, and at the end had a super cool Brita prize pack to give away, and I won! I am really excited to get my pitcher and water bottle to help me get in my necessary water for the day. Good health really starts with hydration, something I am hard pressed to remember some days. So thanks, Miz!

Last night was Halloween, and I spent my day yesterday blowing my nose and finishing costumes, so I will leave you with some pictures of my little monsters.

My punk rocker

Athena the Greek goddess

My little witch

And the bat

Rock on! We need to work on his hard core attitude ;)

What I did with my weekend

2011-10-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

This is where I was this weekend...

doing this...

climbing these (145 of them)

soaking in this

getting wet trying to get a closer picture of this

and enjoying this from the deck of the rental...

now it's back to reality - sigh.

Feelings

2011-10-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

Feeling worthless. Feeling like everything I am is tied to my weight and ability or inability to lose it. Feeling like I'm not as good as the next girl, the skinny one. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I should be able to love myself no matter what size I am. Feeling like I should feel more successful after losing 50 pounds. Feeling like I wish the word "fat" had never been introduced into my vocabulary. Feeling like I just, for once, would like to feel truly happy with who I am and what I look like. Feeling pudgy and gross and just blech. Feeling edgy and irritated and short-tempered and like I am crawling out of my skin. Feeling like I just want a reset button on today.

Ugh

2011-10-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've used this picture before, and I'm sure I'll use it again. Some days this is just how I feel when I run. D'oh!

I ate really badly yesterday. Really. Badly. And it showed in my run this morning. I could feel the sugar, carbs, and fats just weighing me down and oozing out of my pores. Gross. My running skirt didn't fit right, and I was just not comfortable the whole run. But I did my four miles, accepted that it was harder than usual due to my own actions, and moved on. Fruits and veggies here I come.

Picking myself up

2011-10-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I weighed in for the second time for this weight-loss challenge I am doing with my step-mom (which really needs to be called something different - it is just the two of us trying to lose weight until Thanksgiving, encouraging each other.) I have turned most of my focus to working out more - getting in more running and doing some strength on the off days. Anyhow, I had lost 3 pounds. Which was great. Then the weekend came, and my eating wasn't great. And that stretched on into Monday. And then Tuesday. So even though I have amped up the exercising, I am eating more calories than I should. Not only that, but in thinking back over the last two days, I can count the servings of fruits and vegetables I had on one hand. ONE HAND. For TWO days. Unacceptable.

So on my run this morning, I was going over all the ways I failed the last few days in my head. And it was playing like a loop for the first half mile: "You ate too much sugar. You had too many carbs. You didn't eat any veggies. You cannot control your eating. What is wrong with you?..." Until I stopped myself. And thought, what good is beating myself up about it doing? What good has it ever done? So here is what I am going to do instead: today I am going to eat more fruit and vegetables. And be proud of myself for making the choice to eat healthier today, and do my workout this morning, and keep trying, rather than spending my day being down on myself and just feeling bad. Which generally leads to more bad eating. Today I am going to be proactive instead of reactive.

What good things are you doing today?

2011-10-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

Got up this morning and headed out in the dreaded dark to run - I wasn't brave enough to do the bike trail in the dark again, so I stuck to the neighborhood streets where at least there was some weak light from the streetlights. It was cold this morning, I'd forgotten what that feels like. I went a new way, which included two hills - loved the small challenge. I also threw a couple of sprints in there. All in all, it was just over 3.5 miles, with an average pace of 10.17 minute miles - fast for me. I came back and got the kids off to school - I love having accomplished something big before 8 a.m.!

Winner!

2011-10-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Had to show off my new shirt - I won it from Ros over at life's a wheeze - you should go get to know her, she is super awesome. And I'm not just saying that because I won ;) I already thought she was cool. I also got $10 on iTunes - new running music? Yes please! I am taking suggestions!

Drip drip drop October shower

2011-10-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

Rain was in the forecast for Northern California last night, and was supposed to continue through today. I set my running stuff out in preparation for the morning, thinking that a run in the rain might be fun. I have heard that lots of runners love to run in the rain, and I was (hesitantly) looking forward to it. I worked the timing out with the hubby to take the eldest child to school so that I would have enough time to run and get back to take the younger two, since it is so dark in the mornings lately I can't leave as early as I used to. I went to bed and set my alarm and fell asleep.

At 3:50 this morning, I woke up to use the bathroom. And the first thing I heard upon waking? Rain. Pouring rain. Dumping rain. Torrential rain. Uh-uh, I thought. If it is raining like that when I get up, I'm not going. It was the kind of rain that leaves you soaked in two seconds flat. I climbed back in bed and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 5:30, the world was silent. No more buckets of rain falling on my roof. So I got up and got dressed and waited for it to be light enough for me to head out. The skies were clear, the world was wet, and it was lovely. I was a bit slow this morning, which I know was because my legs are tired from my fast run on Monday and Jillian yesterday. But I did my 4 miles and got back in time to take the kiddos to school, and am glad I did it despite the fact that I am super sleepy now (that bathroom wake-up was not the only one last night, and I stayed up later than I should have doing some crafty stuff.) Now I am going to finish my crafty stuff and plan dinner and wait for the thunderstorms that are headed our way this afternoon.

You runners out there, do you like running in the rain? Do you have any tips for when I inevitably do run in it?

Shaky

2011-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

I did level 2 of the Shred this morning - man, I forgot how hard it was! My arms are a bit shaky now. But I finished, and that is good enough for me. Yesterday I had a great 4 mile run, 11:25 minute miles, which is faster than I have been lately. My step-mom and I started a kind of a challenge last Saturday, trying to eat better and lose a little weight from now until Thanksgiving, but instead of winner we each put in $20 and at the end will take that and go do something fun together. Really, I am using this as a way to push myself to get in more exercise and runs, and to keep my eating in check before the big holidays hit. So far so good.

How are you all doing?

Awesomeness stalled

2011-09-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

In trying to regain my awesomeness, yesterday I did the Shred in the morning. Then, when Hubby texted in the afternoon asking if I wanted to go for a jog when he got home in the evening, I said absolutely. (For the record, my husband doesn't run. Every once in a while he will decide he feels like it and he will jog around the block, but that is it. In all fairness, he isn't supposed to run much - he has something of an enlarged aorta - a story for another time. So getting a text saying he wanted to go for a jog was kind of rare and a big deal. And it wouldn't have been very awesome of me to say no.) When he came home, we ran a quick mile (and by quick I mean we were moving faster than I normally do, so I was huffing and puffing by the end) and then walked 3/4 of mile home.

Last night before bed I set my running stuff out and set my alarm for 5:40, since awesomeness doesn't sleep in and skip a workout. However, when I got myself out of bed and into the hallway, I found my boys' bedroom door ajar, and was faced with a carpet covered in vomit. Good times. So rather than running this morning, I found myself cleaning up that mess and taking care of a little 7 year old boy who told me "I didn't get much sleep last night." Which is an honorable trade-off. Then why do I feel like not making my run today makes me decidedly lame and un-awesome? I am battling the same feelings of guilt that I experience when I purposefully and consciously do not work out. Is that an appropriate way to feel, or should I be ok with having to miss out on my run in order to take care of my family? I thought about running now, because my 12 year old is also home feeling really sick, and thus I could leave the boys here with her and go, but I don't feel like I should leave when two of the three here are sick.

Any thoughts on these feelings? Are they normal? Am I just copping out?

I miss feeling awesome

2011-09-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Here is what I have been thinking today: I miss that feeling that came with working out 5 days a week as I trained for my first 5k and also took a class that challenged my fitness every time and made me stronger. I miss feeling like I could do hard things, give them all I had, and go back for more. I miss feeling awesome. The past few weeks I have had a really hard time motivating myself to get moving and get my butt back in gear. I keep telling myself I'm going to do it, but in reality I end up running a couple days during the week, doing the Shred once or twice, and that't it. I can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the dark and get myself moving, and as the day goes on I just won't do it. Well, for me, Sundays are the days when I feel like I am ready to conquer the world, and I make great plans and have great ideas for the coming week. So today, in Morgan tradition, I am going to sit down and write out a workout schedule for the coming week. But not in Morgan tradition, I am actually going to stick with it past Tuesday. It's time to bring back the awesome.

One week down

2011-09-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

One week down with no sugars and I weighed in this morning. Last week I started out at 179, and this morning I weighed in at 175.2, for a loss of 3.8 pounds. Yay! I don't lose weight in big increments like that usually, and I know it was just because it was the first week, but I'll take it!

While my exercise isn't bad, it could be better, so I will be making an effort to increase the number of days I am doing that. My step-mom wants to do another weight loss challenge until Thanksgiving, like we did last year, (which I won, by the way.) The problem is that while last year my sister, brother-in-law, and niece also did it with us, this year they don't want to. So right now it is just my step-mom and myself. So we might just do more of a support thing and less of a challenge, which is too bad since I won $60 last year and would love the chance to repeat.

Any of you out there doing holiday challenges to keep yourselves in check?

Running Tip #34

2011-09-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Running Tip #34 - Don't run on the surface streets on garbage day.

This morning I started out on my normal running route along the American River Bike Trail, but about a mile in decided I wanted something different. I was already throwing in sprints here and there (as I am trying to increase my speed) but didn't want to do them all on the trail. So I headed over to the surface streets, just to shake things up a little. In my area, Thursday is garbage day. Which had me running by garbage cans that hadn't been emptied yet (abnormal - they usually are picked up bright and early.) Why is this such a bad thing? Just try taking deep breaths to support your running as you are passing cans full of trash. It was even worse during my sprinting, when I was gulping more air, and thus more of that nice rancid meat smell. Yuck. But over all I got a good run in, and didn't pass out from the smell, so it was a win. I'll know better next time.

I cut out sweets and sodas last Friday, and am feeling really good. My runs have been better, I feel stronger and less pudgy. I have currently set the time frame for no sugar for four weeks from when I started, and then I'll see how I want to proceed from there. I'm running and also throwing in some workouts from the Shred, and overall it is working for me. Now I just need to be more productive during the day - something that I am fairly certain is being affected by my anemia. Just need to remember to take my iron pill and try to work some more iron-rich foods into my diet. Maybe I'll go make some oatmeal for breakfast...

A heartfelt, heart wrenching post - well ok, a link to one anyway

2011-09-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

I just read this wonderful, poignant post, and had to share it. In light of things that have been happening in my life the last few months, this really touched me and hit my heart. Go read it and let me know what you think.

Half-Marathon Part 3 - In which nearly 2,215 people don't finish the race, but I do!

2011-09-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

Warning - more pictures ahead. And some words.

I left you all at mile 6, with me making a dorky video about my progress so far. I was still going (pretty) strong, despite the sun beating down on me and the fact that I was facing another 7.1 miles. It was amazing to be surrounded by so many people who were also ~~suffering~~ trying to achieve the same goal. There were many times on the course that I wanted to yell out encouraging, fun things like "Who's having fun?" and "How is everyone doing - let me hear you yell!" and "We all rock!" but, unfortunately, I was too embarrassed to do it. I wish I had had the nerve.

Mile 8 took us through the parking lot of the Honda Center, where the Mighty Ducks play hockey. While most of the first 4 miles were on Disney property, as well as the last 1.1 miles, the rest of the race was on the streets of Anaheim. We ran by a lot of strip malls, over train tracks, and through an industrial area. All of that was pretty ho-hum, but I didn't figure that it was much different than any normal half-marathon. I have heard that the Disney World races are completely on Disney property, since that resort is so much larger, and that because of that there is a lot more of that "Disney-feel" and entertainment to the runs. Which would be awesome, but I still felt that this race was a good one.

Around mile 7 I started getting texts - since I use my iPhone for my music when I run, every once in a while I would hear a chime letting me know I had a new message. Turns out my hubby had put out a Facebook post encouraging people to text me, especially between 8 and 9, to cheer me on. It was so sweet, and every time it dinged I got a new burst of motivation and inspiration. He would text me funny things, and friends and family would encourage me to keep going.

Between miles 8 and 9 we ran along the Santa Ana River Trail, which really made me laugh. Here is what the "river" looked like:

You could see the bottom of the ditch (I guess it is a river bed?) and the whole thing was obviously man-made. The reason I laugh is because I am from Northern California, where we have lots of river access, ad our rivers are natural and beautiful and lush. I run on the American River Bike Trail all the time. I would have considered this river more of a reservoir. Whatever.

Ahead in the distance I could see our next destination:

Can you see it in the distance?

Angel's Stadium - coming up!

I have to say, before the race, I knew we were going to be running through the stadium, and while I thought it sounded cool, it didn't really mean anything to me. I'm not a huge baseball fan or anything, so I thought it was just something to break up the run a little. I was wrong.

Headed through the tunnel into the stadium

As we came through the tunnel, I could hear the roar of the crowd inside. It echoed down to us, and this wave of excitement hit me. I felt like an athletic superstar with a stadium of people cheering for me. I was running, ducking around people, wondering how they could be walking at a moment like this. We were on the outfield, running through a stadium, something people don't normally get to do, with excited fans cheering us on. Move it people! I ran around the corner, and looked over in the seats, and had the best surprise of my day:

That guy in the grey shirt and khaki shorts, pointing at me? Yeah, that's my hubby. I had no idea that he was going to be there - I actually thought he wouldn't. It was a fantastic surprise - it put more pep in my step and really gave me a boost. It was awesome.

After we headed out into the parking lot, I shot another video. I am looking distinctly more red, sweaty, and exhausted in this one. And don't you love the frame it freezes on?

By the time we hit mile 10, I was really starting to wonder how much longer this was going to take. 10 miles was as far as I had ever run during my training, the furthest I had ever run in my life, and now was the time to run the last 5k to finish out the race. It was at least encouraging to see the signs for Disney Way, and to start seeing signs for the parks. At this point I had to just dig deep. I thought of all those people who donated money so that I could make it down to the race, all those people who had so much faith in me and my journey and wanted to see me meet my goal. I knew I owed it to them as well as myself to finish as strong as I could.

Tower of Terror in the distance - I knew we were closing in on the end.

One mile to go!

The back of the new "Cars Land" they are building at California Adventure

Unfortunately, this Genie didn't have any ability to grant my wish to be done already

The last mile, I thought about my kids. I thought of how I want to be a good example to them, to show them that we can do hard things. That we can do anything that we want and set our minds to, and that their mom is capable of big things. Thinking of them, and also getting texts from my hubby that said "Be strong Morgan" and "I'm so proud of you Morgan" kept me running that whole last mile.

It's blurry, but it's there - the Finish line!

Just before you crossed the finish line, Minnie, Chip and Dale, and Goofy were all lined up to give high-fives and clap. I moved to the side where they were just so I could high-five them - I may be a dork, but I earned it!

Self-portrait immediately after crossing the finish line - I was so happy and proud of myself!

Let's bask in this moment for a bit. It was amazing. It was unbelievable. Last year at this time I was starting to train for my first 5k, and I didn't think I could even finish that. I would never have thought that I would be running a half-marathon. No matter how slow I was, I finished what I started. After twelve weeks of training, and 13.1 miles of sweat and (mostly happy) tears, I finished what I started. It was a wonderful feeling.

However, shortly after this, things went downhill alarmingly quickly. After crossing the finish line, I was handed a "cooling towel," which was a terrycloth towel in a package that resembled those portable baby wipe packages. I got my medal, picked up a water bottle, and headed down the line, opening and wiping my face down with the towel. The area funneled you past the medical tent, to the food, and then out through lettered tents (corresponding to your last name) into the family reunion area. I stopped in the medical tent to look for ice and pain pills. The ice was being replenished, and there was a line.

I was anxious to get out and find Jon, who was supposed to be waiting in the reunion area after watching me finish on the big screens. So I got a handful of this stuff called Bio-Freeze and slathered it on my calves. Then I wiped what was left on my had onto the towel. Moments later I wiped my face, which was streaming sweat. I grab a bagel from the food line, and simultaneously realize that something I've wiped on my face had menthol in it.

I tend to have allergic reactions to menthol. Those Icy-Hot patches, Ben Gay, anything like that gives me itchy, swollen patches of skin. I panic as I realize it is all over my face, and I am having visions of myself all puffy and itchy through my afternoon at Disneyland. I realize that it was in the Bio-freeze, and try to wipe it off with the towel, or at least the portions where I hadn't already wiped the gunk off my hands. Meanwhile, I am still being funneled through the line, I have my hands full with a bagel, water bottle, towel, and who knows what else. I figure my best option is to find Jon, so I go through the appropriate tent and start looking.

Now, at 6'7", my hubby is not hard to spot in a crowd - a fact that I have always been grateful for. And yet, as I am looking around, I can't see him. I find a nearby table with an open corner and set down as much as I can so I can focus on cleaning off my face. I pour some water on the towel and keep wiping my face, which is stinging a bit. Finally I decide that I have gotten as much off my face as possible (and my skin is feeling a bit tight and shiny like I just had a chemical peel.) At this point, I am starting to feel nauseous, and can't manage to swallow any more bagel. I trash it and grab the rest of my stuff and renew my search for my husband. I can't spot him anywhere, and so I manage to wrestle my phone out of my arm band so I can text him and find out where he is. Only I am in a complete dead zone, and can't get a message or call out.

Hot, sweaty, tired, nauseous, face burning, and feeling abandoned, my high just plummets. I finally manage to get a text out, asking Jon where he is, and get one back saying that he is still trying to get in and park. He isn't there and didn't see me finish. Things are not looking so rosy through my eyes anymore. I look around for a place to sit, hopefully in the shade, but there are no chairs anywhere and the sun is brutally bearing down on me. So I leave the reunion area and shuffle over to the road (which is closed) where I know Jon will be walking once he is able to park. I feel dizzy and sick, so I sit down on the curb.

After 20 more minutes (and many failed texts) I get up and stand under the only shade I can find. I finally see Jon looking for me, and wave him down. At that point, any joy that I wanted to share at my finishing has been sapped by the events after crossing the finish line, and all I want is to get back to the car. Which it turns out is parked at the far end of one of the top floors of the garage. As we are walking out there, I realize that I need at least one post-race picture with my medal, but I have tears in my eyes and just can barely muster a smile. Hence the picture below in all its ugly glory:

I stumbled back to the car, at which point it took us another 20 minutes to get out of the garage. Jon told me his story, which basically was that since so many roads were closed for the race, he got stuck coming back from the stadium to the park, along with everyone else trying to get back to the finish line. We had set it up through the race website for Jon to be texted at different points along the race, and he told me that he was crushed when he got the text saying I was finished and he hadn't even made it to the parking garage yet. It was a low point for both of us. He could have parked at our hotel and walked over in less time, if he had known. I told him he needs to write it all up so that in future years, people watching their loved ones race will know what not to do.

He got me back to the hotel, put me in the shower, and then went and bought me a chocolate milk. By the time I drank that and was dressed, I was feeling better. We prepared to head back to the park for our day at Disneyland (crazy, I know, but it was the only day we had!) As soon as we got in, we ate lunch (Jambalaya for me - yum!) and soon I was ready to walk the park and ride some rides. We ended up spending 12 hours at Disneyland, just taking it slow in the crowds and riding and eating. It was a great ending to the weekend. But I paid for it the next day when I couldn't walk so much as hobble.

I don't normally put magnets or stickers on my car, but I earned this one!

Overall, it was an amazing weekend, and I would do it all again. Previously, I was fairly certain that this would be the only half-marathon I would ever do, but during and even after, I realized that I am not done. Now all I can think about is doing another one, and trying to improve my speed. I am planning on trying to get a group of people together to run the Disneyland half next year, but I am also going to pepper the coming months with some as well. Finishing my training and the race proved to me that I can do this - which is why I signed up for the run to begin with. Achieving my goal has been an amazing experience for me, and has given me more self-confidence. And I can honestly say that if I can do this, anyone can. So does anyone want to join me?

Half-Marathon Part 2 - In which I get up really early and begin a run with 15,000 people

2011-09-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is a picture-heavy post. Really picture-heavy.

When last we left our heroine, she was trying to get some sleep before the biggest athletic feat she had ever attempted. I actually slept pretty well, despite my body waking me up at 2:30 and my brain telling it to knock that off. I was able to fall back asleep and woke instead at 3:30, a half hour before my alarm but I knew I would need the extra time. I tried to get up and start getting ready quietly so as not to wake up Hubby, who's plan for getting ready involved only throwing on his clothes and a hat. By 4:20 I was pretty much ready to go.

Hydrating - very important

They tell you never to wear new clothes for a race. I didn't listen. I should have.

We left our hotel and started the short walk over to the park. The closer we got, the more people we joined, until there was a steady stream of racers making the journey to the starting area.

Fueling

Guess I was anxious

Some of the crowd

Hubby said to pose. What I am really thinking here is "Please don't leave me. Once you leave, I have to wait in a crowd of strangers for an hour and then run 13.1 miles."

Me and my support team

Once we got over to the general area of the starting line, we talked a bit, I stretched a little, used the bathroom, and we wandered towards the corrals. Too soon, it was time to leave Jon and find my corral. I hugged him, teary, as he whispered lots of words of encouragement in my ear. Finally I broke free and headed through the gates to where everyone was lining up. I'm really bad at goodbyes, and I was getting nervous.

Getting into my corral took a while - things bottlenecked at a certain point while people tried to figure out which way they were supposed to go. I was in the second to last corral, and once I got the found that it was only half-full. That changed rapidly. The race was scheduled to start at 6, starting with corral A (obviously) with each subsequent corral leaving 5 minutes after. Which meant that my corral wasn't scheduled to leave until 6:25, and I was in the corral (at the organizers insistence) by 5:25. So I stood around for an hour, taking pictures for groups who needed a cameraman, but generally feeling lonely as I listened to the pairs and groups of runner chat with each other. I really wished someone had signed up to run with me.

The sea of people waiting in front of me - there were many many more to the left and behind.

One thing I didn't get a picture of that was really cool was when they sang the national anthem. At the point where the man sang "And the rockets red glare" red fireworks shot into the morning sky - it was really beautiful and the crowd just went crazy. There were also more with "the bombs bursting in air." Beautiful moment.

The race started on Disneyland drive and headed out onto Katella, one of the four roads bordering the resort. Then we hooked a left on Harbor, which ran us (eventually) right by my hotel. Hubby was standing out in the road waiting for me - I loved seeing him! He shot a video - forgive the unflattering nature of it please.

So a word about my new running skirt that I (foolishly?) wore. I had a running skirt already that I had been wearing to train in, but it was boring and grey and when I was at the expo I saw this one from runningskirts.com which was totally cute. I tried it on, it fit, I loved it. Now, it is an inch or so shorter than the one I am used to (which is not the same brand) but I thought it would be fine. Well, when I started running, the compression shorts underneath started riding up a bit. Which does happen with my other skirt. But the difference is the length - way more of my thighs were visible than I am comfortable with, and things were rubbing together a bit higher than I am used to (but I did Body Glide up there too just in case, so that was covered at least) and I spent a lot of time in the first mile or so pulling things down as I ran. Not my favorite thing. Eventually I got used to it, or it got better, or I just forgot, and fidgeted with it much less (unless there was a camera coming up that I knew about.) Who can say if my other skirt would have been better? I just know that I spent more time being concerned with it than I would have liked. This shouldn't deter you from purchasing one of their skirts - they are great and comfy and I will continue to wear mine. It is more a statement that you shouldn't try something new on race day - which I had already heard but apparently didn't take to heart.

Anyhow, next we headed into the parks - first California Adventure and then Disneyland. I planned to stop and snap pictures with some of the characters - I wasn't going for time or anything, and just wanted to really enjoy the experience. One of my favorite things about going through the parks was all the maintenance and cast members who stood along the route to cheer us on. Some pictures are blurry - I was running after all!

Phineas and Ferb - my family loves this cartoon so I had to stop!

Coming into Disneyland - so exciting!

Darth Vader had a long line, so I got a pic from the side. The storm trooper kept going over to try to pull people out of Darth's line to take pictures with another trooper - it was funny.

Flora, Fauna, Merriweather, and Princess Aurora were on the carousel

Maleficent kept harrassing people, telling them they should be running

Going through the castle!

Backstage - some really cool stuff back there

Ignore the times on the mile markers - they weren't accurate to me since I started a half hour after they did

Toontown

Me and Louis

First hydration station - ah, Powerade, nectar of the gods

When we left the parks and hit the streets again, we were at mile 4 already. Those first few miles went by so fast and were so easy. It wasn't until we got out to the road that I realized how much background music and noise there had been in the parks - suddenly it was almost silent save for the pounding of feet and heavy breathing.

Lots of people walking already - it was a real challenge for me not to walk when everyone else was, but to run until I really needed to walk a few steps. This is when having someone with you comes in handy, to encourage you and feel like someone else is suffering too.

There was entertainment every mile - dancers, bands, cheerleaders yelling - so fun!

"Why am I doing this again?"

Crazy costumes - these guys had the teapot, saucer, and candelabra, and knocked into me trying to pass.

Once the sun came out, the temperatures started to climb. Those first few miles had been in the lovely overcast Anaheim morning, but alas, it was not meant to last. Just after mile 6, I made a video, knowing that my husband would enjoy watching it, and figuring that if I was crazy I could post it here. Apparently I am.

One thing I remember from running is, for the most part, not really realizing how long I had been in motion. That was a good thing. So, we're six miles in, and I am still running, and haven't died or passed out, nor do I want to. I passed a medical tent and didn't even need to stop in. Successes in my mind! Part 3 will wrap the race up. Tune in later, followers, when you can hear our heroine say "How much farther until the finish line?!"

Half-Marathon Part 1 - In which I arrive, shop, and eat.

2011-09-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days now since my first ever half-marathon, and I have been ~~hobbling around~~, ~~trying not to fall asleep at any given moment~~, ~~throwing myself back into reality~~, trying to come up with the words to adequately express my experience this past weekend. And failing I think. Whatever I say will fall short of really sharing the experience with you all. Not to mention that I don't know how to pare it all down! I can see now why bloggers break their half-marathon (or marathon) recaps down into several posts. It becomes a bit like watching a slide-show of someone's vacation - you as readers can only take so much at a time. Or at all. And yet there is a desire to share every little thing that happened, because, for me at least, this was something of a monumental weekend. So all of this has been holding me back, until this morning.

This morning I was able to see the professional photos and videos from the race, and all I found myself thinking was how bad I looked, how funny I run, how I don't look like I belong out there, and why did I think a running skirt was a good idea with my legs? I got really down on myself. And that? Is completely unacceptable. Because I ran a half-marathon. 13.1 miles. I didn't quit, I didn't die, I finished. And I should feel nothing but pride in myself for that, regardless of how long it took me or how bad I think I looked while doing it. And the best way to remember those great feelings I had during and right after the run is to relive it through posting about it.

I am going to break it down, though, because it is a lot. So today we will start with the Health and Fitness Expo at the Disneyland Hotel and surrounding events of that day. Hubby and I drove down Friday and stayed in Sherman Oaks with a best friend of mine from High School - we swam in her pool, relaxed in her hot tub and visited - it was lovely. Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast, got our stuff together and headed off to Anaheim for the expo.

Going to the expo was a requirement of the race - you had to pick your packet up there with your bib, and also your goody bag and t-shirt. Pick up for packets was downstairs, and wasn't at all busy when we got there, so I was able to just walk up and get mine.

I was surprised at the tears I had to hold back when I had this in my hand. It was the first step to actually doing the half-marathon that weekend, and the emotion just washed over me. I never thought that I would be doing this, and the reality of it hit me hard.

The goody bags were upstairs with all of the vendors, conveniently placed along the back wall of the expo so that racers had to walk by all the booths to get their stuff. They really know how to rope you in and get you to buy stuff!

I had ordered a medium technical shirt, but it was too big (always nice to say) and so I had to exchange it for a small. Then it was time to look around at all the stuff.

The expo wasn't as large as I thought it would be (although I've never actually been to one, I've read a lot of posts since Saturday that all agreed this one was smaller than normal.) The ladies from Running Skirts were there, and I took the opportunity to try on a skirt in person (I have issues ordering clothes online) and ended up buying one. It was really comfortable and cute. (Later I would find that it bothered me a bit when running, but that was more of my own issue than anything to do with the skirt. If you like running skirts, you should totally give these girls a try - they are well made with compression shorts underneath and really move with you and are pretty comfortable overall - and they aren't compensating me for this review at all. I bought my own skirt and these opinions are mine. They don't even know who I am.) I wish I had been able to buy a pair of their super cute compression socks, but I was on a limited budget. Maybe later.

I also went through the booth for One More Mile, and ended up with a tank that says "Running is a mental sport and we are all insane." Cute. Hubby bought me a 13.1 magnet for my car, and a sticker that says "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." It is a John Bingham quote. They have a lot of shirts with cute quotes on them. I also liked "Race day strategy: start slow then back off." That pretty much sums up my speed!

After perusing the expo for a while, we headed out to eat some lunch. There is a Mexican place in Anaheim that we love, and that was where we headed.

Before

And after

From there we went to Target and then to check into our hotel, and unfortunately were given a smoking room. Apparently the discount site that I booked through doesn't guarantee non-smoking, and they were booked solid, so there was no switching rooms. It wasn't pleasant, but eventually we got used to it enough to survive. We rested a while, then swam and hot tubbed, relaxing until time to got walk around Downtown Disney and get dinner.

I'm awake, see?

Hubby is a root beer fan (although this one turned out to be a Vanilla Cream Soda - oops!)

Mmmm, Haagen-Dazs

Then it was back to the hotel to get things ready for the early morning start and try to get some sleep. I was really tired, having not slept too well the night(s) before. My body had started showing signs of anxiousness - nausea, headache, etc. I just hoped to sleep it off and be as ready as possible for the race.

Race Swag

Race outfit all laid out

Here I Go

2011-09-04T04:04:00.000-07:00

It is 4 a.m. on the west coast. I woke up at 3:30 - 20 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I am mostly dressed, mostly Body-Glided up, and mostly excited to go and do this thing. I need to be over at Disneyland by 4:45, and am taking the 20 minute walk over there so that I can warm up. I am a little nervous, but really looking forward to seeing everything and just taking it all in. The next time you all hear from me, I will officially have run a half-marathon.

This girl

2011-09-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

This morning Hubby and I are leaving to drive down to Anaheim for my half-marathon. I feel a little sick to my stomach and have a bit of a headache, which I am hoping I can attribute to staying up late getting ready and getting up early to get going. I am really excited about the race, about seeing one of my best friends from high school, about going to Disneyland for a day. But mostly about the race. I have come so far from the girl last year who was scared to try to run a 5k. That girl thought she couldn't do things. That girl was afraid that people would know she wasn't a runner and shoo her away. That girl wasn't able to be proud of herself. But this girl knows that she can finish a half-marathon. This girl doesn't care that she is slow, that she will probably be in the last part of the group to finish - she knows that she is still a runner. She put in months of training even when she didn't want to, despite the stress going on in her everyday life. And this girl is going to be extremely proud of herself for doing all of it.

Last run before the big one

2011-08-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today was my last run before my half on Sunday. Four miles at a 12 minute mile pace - faster than I have been lately mostly due to the drop in temperature. Thanks to an outpouring of generosity, I have almost enough for my trip, and am pretty sure I can scrape the rest together. Hubby and I leave Friday morning, and after I wash these stinky running clothes I will start getting my stuff together to pack.

I've decided against wearing my hydration belt during the half and hope that I don't regret it. There are water stations every mile and a half or so, and I just don't feel like messing with my belt the whole time. Thanks to a $15 rewards certificate to my local Fleet Feet, I will be able to purchase a smaller fuel belt to hold my, well, fuel. And possibly a camera. I can't decide whether or not my iPhone will suffice to take pictures of all the things Disney will have going on.

Speaking of fuel, I went to a wonderful seminar on fueling and hydrating during long runs at Fleet Feet, and learned a lot. I was neither eating nor drinking as much as they recommend - did you know that you should have 100-150 calories every hour that you are running on a long run? For me, that means I end up eating about 3 times during my really long runs. Remember that time I tried Gu? And hated it? Well, that was the last time I tried any actual fuel. I took along some gummy bears, which were tasty but didn't lend much lasting energy. After the seminar I bought a couple of things to try - Clif Shot Bloks and Honey Stingers (which is something that Molly recommended but I hadn't tried yet. I should have tried them sooner!) I tested them out on my last long run, the 10 miler. Shot Bloks? Gross. Only a half step up from the Gu. But the Honey Stinger Organic Chews? Wonderful! Like a gummy bear but better for my lasting energy.

And don't even get me started on the Honey Stinger Waffle - perfect for eating before I run (a bit messy during the run, but oh my gosh it was good!) I noticed a difference in the way I was feeling towards the last couple miles of the run, so I am a believer that fuel is important.

As far as hydration, even after the seminar I was having trouble getting the recommended amount while running - 20 oz per hour - but I don't have time to experiment with that before this half. Maybe next time. (I can't believe that I actually think I might do this again - I should probably make it through this one first!)

I am starting to get really excited about the half - I am not nervous at all which really surprises me. I expected to be a mess. I know that I will be anxious the night before and the morning of, but right now I feel good. I know that I am slow, I know that I will probably walk a bit, but I am okay with it. I am completely accepting of where I am at, and I know that I will finish, which is what is important to me right now.

Time to go get ready for breakfast - Hubby set his alarm to get up when I would be returning this morning so that he could make me food - love him!!! Have a good day everyone!

With a Little Help From My Friends

2011-08-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

My half-marathon is in 6 days. I have been waiting for an insurance reimbursement to come into my account to pay for my trip to Anaheim for the race (the hotel is paid for, but nothing else is.) I've been checking with the insurance company all month to ensure that the funds were coming - I spoke to 4 people 4 different times in fact. Last Friday, I called again, just to be sure. And was told that "something looked funny in my account." Words that are not good to hear. I was transferred to someone else, who informed me that, in fact, the money would not be coming. Ever. Even though the last four times I called I was assured everything was good and the money would be here shortly.

With 7 days until I was scheduled to leave, I suddenly had no money to pay for the gas and food for my trip. And nowhere to pull it from, no family to borrow from. I was panicked. Sure that all my training and hard work was going to go to waste. We have bills to pay and mouths to feed, and there was nowhere to find anything extra. So we fasted and prayed, any my husband came up with a plan.

"Post it on Facebook," he told me. "You have tons of people who have been following your journey and supporting your training. I think they will want to help." I really wasn't sure about that course of action. It felt like begging. It was embarrassing. But after talking to a friend of mine and sharing the idea, she told me "I HONESTLY love that idea. People are invested in your progress. They want to see you finish. I know I am inspired by you." And so I decided to do it - what did I have to lose? If I didn't get some money somehow, I was missing the race.

So last night I created a Facebook page titled "Please help Morgan get to her half-marathon." And I wrote this post, titled "I really need your help":

The money we were expecting to get us down to my half marathon didn’t come through at the last minute, and I now find myself with four days to come up with the $300 needed for gas and food for my trip.

As you know, I’ve spent the last several months training hard for this race. I’ve been through physical pain and emotional highs and lows, and fought to change who I am and meet my goal. Throughout my journey, you have followed my progress and setbacks, my highs and lows. Your comments have inspired me and lent support when I’ve needed it. I’ve thought back on your words during my long runs and you have all motivated me to push harder and just keep going.

I have found myself so close to reaching my goal, but without the money it seems as though it might slip through my fingers. I hate to ask for more than you’ve already given, but I am out of options for how to raise this money to get me to the starting line. After all the sweat and tears, I really want to see it through to the end.

If you can spare $10, $20, or any amount, I would be eternally grateful, and you would be part of my success.

This morning I sent out links to my Facebook friends - not all of them but the ones I thought might be interested. I shared it on my wall. I posted pictures. And I waited. And worried.

But not for long. Soon emails started coming in. Messages asking for my mailing address and telling me money was coming. From friends. From family. From people from high school that I haven't talked to since our reunion 3 years ago. I got text messages from people from our new church who I hardly know. One woman I work with in Young Women texted me and told me that she was bringing me the money from her date night jar. "It isn't much," she wrote. "It is amazing," I responded. I have been brought to tears more times today than I can count. I don't have the full amount yet, but I believe I will get there. I am in awe at people's generosity and love. I am humbled.

I used to think that running was solitary. That I was alone out there. Turns out I could not have been more wrong. And now, my first half-marathon will mean even more to me, because I will have all that love and goodness with me, spurring me on. I will succeed, for myself, and all those people who support me.

9 miles

2011-08-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays are my long run days - today was 9 miles. After feeling like I totally killed my last long run, I was kind of nervous to head out for another one. I've been fooled into thinking that I am over the hump before, only to be smacked down when my next run is painfully difficult. But today I added a mile to the distance and was still ok. The run wasn't quite as awesome as last week, but still pretty great. I am able to recognize how differences in the weather affect my run - this morning there was no breeze and the sun was on me most of the way, making it hotter than last week. But I powered through and was proud to make it back home again.

My half-marathon is in less than a month, and I am pretty excited. I am thinking about getting a visor to wear while running to keep the sun out of my face - I can't wear sunglasses while I run as my face sweats a lot and they slip and just bother me in general. Any of you out there run with visors? Have any words of wisdom for me?

Changes

2011-08-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

The alarm blasted on at 5:30 this morning to rouse me for my run. Having gone to bed at almost midnight, I promptly hit the snooze button and immediately fell back asleep. When it came on again 10 minutes later, I turned it off completely, and the battle commenced within my head.

"I don't want to run."

"I should get up and run."

"I'm tired - I want to go back to sleep."

"I should go run."

"No, I think I'll just stay in bed. Maybe I'll run tonight, or definitely tomorrow morning."

"Hmmm, ok that sounds good."

And yet, ten minutes later, I got myself out of bed. And into my running clothes. And, eventually, out on the street. I did my four miles, and it went well. On the way back as I was running, I remembered that I had almost stayed in bed. I smiled and thought "And now I'm almost done, and I feel good, and now I don't have to worry about doing it later. Which I probably wouldn't have." This Morgan is not the Morgan I am used to. That Morgan would have stayed in bed, skipped the run, felt guilty all day, and never have made it up. As I thought about it, I identified a few more ways in which I have changed.

I miss my chickens - fresh eggs are the best.

I eat eggs. I have been disgusted by eggs since I left my childhood (I ate them when I was little, but at some point that stopped.) I don't like fried eggs very much, but I am all for a good scramble filled with eggs and veggies.

I eat bananas. I have always had a texture issue with them. The only way I ever ate them was on toast with some peanut butter, and even then it was few and far between. But lately I have been forcing past the gag reflex and eating them, before running or after, and it is going pretty well. They have to be just the right ripeness or I have a real problem, but for the most part it is fine.

I also eat oatmeal. When I was a kid, I hated oatmeal. It made me feel like throwing up. My dad's girlfriend at the time, who was not a nice person, used to make oatmeal pretty frequently. When I would gag while eating it, she would tell me, in all seriousness, that if I threw up in it, I was going to have to eat that too. So even as an adult I have loathed oatmeal. But when I started trying to lose weight and working out, I kept reading about how good oatmeal is for you and so on. So I started eating it, a little at a time with different tweakings, until I was over the immediate gag that came from the memories of my childhood. Now I like steel cut oats, and I don't even need brown sugar to eat them (although I do love it that way - and sprinkle some in from time to time as a treat.)

I know that I have probably changed in a lot of other ways too, but the eating and exercise is the easiest to see. I have cut out sugars for the last little while, and the scale shows that I am down 2.8 pounds as of this morning. It is nice to feel like I am on a roll again. I hope everyone else is doing well too!

Nothing fuels a blog post like accomplishment. And old people.

2011-08-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

I just pulled myself out of a cold post-run bath (didn't have enough ice to make it an ice bath, but according to Jeff Galloway cold tap water is cold enough) and I am sitting here in my sports bra and a towel because I really wanted to write this post before the rest of my day gets going and I lose my momentum for it. This morning something happened that I had ceased believing was possible. It was so surprising to me that I couldn't help but laugh a little in shock and look around me to see if anyone else was aware of what was going on.

I KILLED my eight mile run today. I left it out there gasping its last breaths of life, wondering who had just stomped all over it. And I feel fan-freaking-tastic. Mentally and physically. My running has been stagnant for weeks and I've been struggling, feeling like the goal I set for myself was insurmountable and I was a fool for starting this thing. But today, things were just grooving. I set a pace and I kept it (without any fancy doodad, which I didn't think was possible for me) and just kept moving. And those moments when I wanted to just stop and maybe cry? They were missing completely. I wasn't fast, but I was persistent, and the negative whispers in my head were silent. Take that, American River Bike Trail. You have no power over me. (And neither does David Bowie. Labrynth anyone?)

In other news, I went to my aquacize class last night, and found it to be just like the picture I posted yesterday. Heads turned as I entered the pool area and walked past a row of older women (and one middle aged man) who were waiting for the ok to get in the pool. To the point where the instructor (no spring chicken herself) looked at me and said sweetly, but confusedly, "Are you here for aquacize?" I replied yes, and she proceeded to ask me several questions meant to verify that I did, in fact, mean to be there. Apparently the rest of the women have been going all summer for the past couple of years, and they all know each other and live in the neighborhoods surrounding the pool.

Refusing to be deterred by the geriatric set, I got in the pool. The instructor of this class does it along with everyone, which is new to me - all the classes I have had before the instructor stayed on the pool deck and, well, instructed from there. She kept a close eye on me and talked me through everything, not with the utmost patience but that's ok. Halfway through the class she asked the man in the class if he was glad not to be the newbie anymore (apparently he started last month) and he enthusiastically said "Oh yes!" and then turned to me and told me I had better not quit. Made me wonder if the teacher keeps a continual close eye on the new person until someone else comes along, thus freeing them. At the end of the class, she seemed genuinely surprised as she said to me "You did really well - I think you've got everything!" Pretty funny. I can tell that I am going to have to put in extra effort to really get a workout, because it is definitely geared towards the slower, more aged people, but I think it could be fun once I get to know some of my classmates - I love old people!

Have a great day everyone - a veggie-egg scramble is calling my name. Maybe I should put some pants on first.

Aquacize!

2011-08-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have had a pretty awful day wherein I sat in an office for two hours after my scheduled appointment time waiting to be called in, then ran around town for the next 4 hours trying to gather what they wanted me to give them, only to turned down after supplying everything to them. It wiped me out, physically and emotionally. But I've decided that none of that matters. Because in the midst of that I was able to run into the Parks and Rec office and sign up for my aquacize class. And it starts tonight, and I can't wait. In just over an hour I will be in the pool getting my workout on.

I know this is typically what people envision when they hear the word "aquacize." And the first class I took (when I was pregnant - an hour of weightlessness in August when you are 8 months pregnant is heaven!) very closely resembled this demographic. However, since then I have also taken classes on the college level, which had a good mix of ages and difficulty levels.

This class is at a small community pool, so I can't guess what it will be like, but one thing I've learned from all the water classes I've taken is you get out of it what you put in. If you choose to sit on a noodle and lightly kick the entire class, you won't get as much out of it as you will if you ditch the noodle and tread water the whole time. I plan on getting as much out of it as I can, and I can't wait!

Tears of sorrow, worry, and then joy

2011-07-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

I spent a good chunk of the afternoon researching hotels for my trip to Anaheim for my half-marathon. I am looking for the best price I can get on a cheap, but clean, hotel, for my husband and I to stay for two nights. I looked at so many different websites and hotels and prices that my head felt like it was going to explode. I also took the time to price things out, which made me cry a little. Seriously.

You see, we are just scraping by right now. When I signed up for the race, times were better, but things have been hard the last couple months. And I have been avoiding totaling up what the trip will cost because I knew it was going to be a strain trying to come up with the money, and I didn't want to be stressed about it any more than I had to. I am already a stress case all the time without adding that. So when I saw the total, which was without calculating food, I choked down a sob. Because we have some money set aside for this, but not enough. And I am not sure how to get enough to make it work. I am doing things the cheapest way possible, and my husband's promotion and raise should (fingers crossed) kick in by then, but there are just so many things up in the air that I don't know how it will all come together. I have put so much time and effort into preparing for this race, my first half-marathon, and I am just worried that I won't be able to get the money together.

Then I received my first email about the race, with a link to the event program. It is about 20 pages long, and tells you everything you need to know about the weekend, complete with pictures and maps. And once again I found myself choking back tears, but ones of joy this time. It hit me what I am going to do, what I am going to accomplish, after I have put in all the work. I will be doing something I never thought I could do in one of my favorite places in the world. Even if I have to sleep in my car for two nights, (which at this point is a very real possibility for me,) I have to be there. Because I started this, and I am going to finish it and prove to myself that I can do hard things. I am going to show myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. I am going to prove myself to me.

GUeeeeewwwww

2011-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Question for the day: Why is it called getting "back on the wagon" when it is so hard and unpleasant??? Wouldn't you think that riding in the wagon would be much more comfortable and preferable to the alternative? Especially a covered wagon - there is shade and privacy. Who came up with this ridiculous pioneer-timed metaphor anyway? When was the last time you even rode in a wagon? (Unless you know someone who is Amish, then you may have. But you yourself can't be Amish, because then you wouldn't be reading this.)

As you may have guessed, I am, in fact, getting myself back on track (no wagoning here.) Which is what caused me to ponder the phrase. I have been letting myself eat a lot of junk lately, but that ends today. Aside from what is in the gel packet thingies and occasional gummies I ingest while I am running (to prevent myself from falling down in the middle of the bike trail - those bicyclists don't stop for anything - they just roll right over you, or some of the more talented ones will jump you like Evel Knievel) I will not have any processed sugars for a while. I haven't come up with an actual time frame yet because I don't know how long detox is going to take me, but I am defining "a while" as more than two weeks.

In other news, I went out for my first run since my 10k on the 16th. I attempted the 8 miles again, and the best thing I can say about it is I made it home. It was far from my best run, but I expected that after taking a little more than a week off and eating junk all that time. I did try out my new hydration belt, which I will talk more in depth about later. I also tried some GU for the first time, which I will talk about in more depth now.

It was terrible.

Ok, clearly our interpretations of the words "in depth" are different. You want details, fine. Here is the low-down - it was a viscous substance that I had to choke down while concentrating on not vomiting it back up. I have never encountered a liquid-like substance that I practically had to chew before, and it was not an experience that I am eager to repeat. And if I am going to be chewing anyway, why not just pack a burrito or something? Chipotle has never made me gag. However, it did keep me going, and I recognize the fact that the fuel was helpful. Maybe other brands will be better? If any of you have some recommendations for me, I will gladly take them.

Random post today, I know, but after I have dragged myself for 8 miles, this is what happens. I'm off to shower and ~~go back to bed~~ be productive.

Yay Saturday

2011-07-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday, which I know in the blogosphere is also known as the day that nobody reads what you post. But there are a couple of good things happening for me today, and I wanted to share. First off, I signed up for a nighttime 10k that takes place tonight - it is the first race I have run in since Thanksgiving, and I am pretty excited:

Secondly, I've needed some new running clothes for a while now, but haven't had the money and also have been avoiding going to an actual running store, because, I'll be honest, they completely intimidate me. But this morning I bit the bullet and went to my local store. Where I fell in love. With this:

Yep, I am the proud new owner of a running skirt. With awesome built-in compression shorts. With hidden pockets. I also picked up a running tank and some socks, and for the first time ever I feel like I look like a runner. And while I know looks aren't everything, it really was a boost to my running confidence as I stood in front of the mirror in the changing room to feel like I looked the part. At any rate, I am really excited to try the outfit out tonight in my 10k.

Now I am off to finish packing for camping (we leave tomorrow morning for four days!) and get some more water and food in preparation for tonight. Hope you all are having a great weekend!

I've lost my mind

2011-07-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

This could be a picture of my legs in the cool, refreshing river on a sweltering hot day here in Northern California. I could be sitting there with a drink in one hand and a novel in the other, relaxing and soaking up the sun. It could be, and I could be, but it isn't. These are actually my legs in the freezing cold river, at 8:40 on a 55 degree, overcast morning. What inspired this apparent lapse in judgment on my part? My first ever 8 mile run, the last mile of which I hobbled as my IT band loudly protested. Feeling like the half mile home to my ice bath was further than I wanted to go, I instead sat myself down in the shallows of the river and wished I had a sweatshirt as the breeze cooled my sweat and the chill of the river crept up my tank top. I sat there for ten minutes before calling Hubby to come get me, and ten minutes later he arrived with two towels, a Gatorade, my flip flops, and his assurance that despite the fact that I had to walk most of that last mile, I am, in fact, a runner. Because no one but a runner would be crazy enough to sit in a river as cold as ours has been as the runoff from the late season snow comes down from the Sierras.

He then walked me back to the car and brought me home, where I changed to dry pajama pants and a sweatshirt while he cooked me some eggs and bacon. Sounds like a catch, doesn't he? He is. Here is what I found on the mirror before I left for the 8 miles of ~~torture~~ running this morning:

Yeah, I'm pretty lucky ;)

All by Myself

2011-07-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

As in, don't wanna be. But I have been feeling really alone lately. In everything I do. I am alone in taking care of the kids - who are home all day thanks to summer break - because hubby is working. I am alone in stressing out about the money we don't have and the bills we are struggling to pay because my husband isn't a worrier. I am alone in my half-marathon training. Through all the crappy runs, and good runs, through the IT band pain, through the wanting to quit, out there on the trail, I am alone.

Until it occurred to me that I don't have to be as alone and isolated as I am allowing myself to be. I have this blog, this poor, neglected blog, which should be feeling pretty lonely itself. I ~~could~~ should be chronicling the process of my training to run my half in September and reaching out to the blogosphere for extra support. And yet the last time I posted was in June, and every time I sit down to write something, I find that I just can't do it. Not for lack of things to talk about - nearly every run yields something that could be a post (all that time alone in my own head produces some very strange thoughts, let me tell you) and still I am barely blogging. Is it possible that I am isolating myself on purpose without knowing it?

I am going to make myself a schedule for blogging, a training schedule as it were, so that I can build that muscle back up. And while building that muscle, maybe I can rebuild a readership here, so that I can stop feeling so alone.

Question for you

2011-06-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there still reading, I need some input. I am about 98% sure I have a sinus infection. It has thrown off my training all week, I feel sick, etc etc. So the question is, do I keep running and push through it? Do I go see a doctor? (Which is, of course, an extra expense I would rather not pay if I don't have to.) Will it go away on its own???

Another run

2011-06-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday there was a 3.5 mile run on the schedule, and after the last two runs I had that were just bad, I was kind of dreading it. I decided that maybe I should mix it up a bit and try running somewhere new. Sometimes recovering the same ground, especially the ground where you have found yourself walking instead of running, can be a bad thing.

Since moving to Sacramento a few months ago and starting running again, I have been wanting to go to this park downtown where it seems like all the runners go. It is called McKinley Park, and has a big dirt path around it that is very knee-friendly. It has a large pond with ducks and geese and a rose garden, and lots of grassy area. My daughter's specialists and the hospital she has been admitted to twice are all in Sacramento, and I would pass this park when driving her to appointments or going home to shower while she was in the hospital, and I would always see people running at the park. It is kind of a Sacramento thing to do. So yesterday I thought I would go out and try it.

I was a bit intimidated by the time I got to McKinley and got out of the car. I mean, there were real runners out there. What if I completely didn't belong? I had to overcome the fear of the other runners judging me and just get out there and start. I had heard that the lap around the park was a mile, so I was geared up to do three and a half laps and then walk the other half of the lap back to my car. However, as I came back around to my car the first time, I checked the MapMyRun application on my iPhone and found that instead of having gone a mile, it was only .77 of a mile. Which really irritated me, because now I knew that my counting was off, and I didn't know how many laps I would have to do. (Of course I could have figured this out by checking on my phone when the mile actually came around, but I don't get a lot of oxygen to my brain when I run and this sounded like too much work.) So I did a few more laps, wanting to walk at times but not allowing myself to.

As I was coming up on my third lap, I figured out that some runners were crossing the small street at one corner of the park - the dirt path continued around another grassy area that was about half a block and that technically is not a part of McKinley at all - at least not on the maps. In one of those "ooh" kind of moments, I realized that the mile around the park must incorporate that area as well. So I added it in to that lap. Without going into all the gory details of my huffing and puffing, there were several times I wanted to quit, times when I thought I had run further than I had only to be snapped back to reality by the running app telling me I still wasn't done, but in the end, I made myself run the entire distance. And it could have been worse. It could have been better, but it could have been worse. It was good for me to overcome the voice in my head telling me I needed to walk, because I knew at that moment that I didn't "need" to walk, I only wanted to walk.

After running at the park, I felt like a true Sacramentan. However, I am not a big fan of doing laps when I run - I might as well be at the track. I kept thinking "Ok, I have passed this stupid tree 4 times now..." When I run, I would rather get somewhere. If I had my way, I would run all of my miles one way and then call my hubby to come pick me up - I don't love covering ground I have already covered. But it was nice to be out with other runners, to feel like I was doing something that the "real" runners do, and I succeeded at finishing, so overall it was a good morning.

I just need to refocus my mind and quit being so down on myself. Negative thinking definitely makes the whole thing harder.

Sucky suck suck suck, and something fun

2011-06-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

How's that for a post title? Now you have no idea where I'm coming from, right?

Well, the sucky suck suck suck is in reference to my run this morning. As in, those are the words I would use to describe it. I was Sucky McSuckerson. Today was a 3.5 mile run, and I was looking to redeem myself from my bad 5 mile run on Tuesday. But once again, heading out, I couldn't find my rhythm. And the run was hard. I pushed and pushed and pushed, but then on the way back home, I broke. I walked a few steps. Cussing. Started to run again. Went for a bit before having to walk again. Cussing some more. Now here is the thing - I don't cuss. Ever. So while I was cussing every time I stopped, it was really mild. So don't think I was the potty mouth runner out on the trail. "Damn" was as bad as it got. But for me, that is bad.

I kept running, stopping three times to walk several steps. My knee and hips hurt, but nothing so earth shattering to force me to stop. I just couldn't do it this morning. Runners out there, help me out - why am I hitting the wall this week? And how do I get over it? Could the rise in temperature be making things harder on me too? Why do I suck??? After last week, when I finally felt like I was becoming a runner, I am feeling really low.

Ok, so let's move on to the something fun. Namely, the Bloggy Flip Flop Exchange that Becca is hosting - go and check it out! Basically, you send in your name, address, and flip flop size, and she will pair you up with someone from somewhere else. Then you send them a pair of flops, along with something from your town to give them a feel for where you live. Fun, right??? As a Cali girl, I live in flip flops about 85% of the time, so this is great for me!

Well, I am off to try to not suck for the rest of the day - wish me luck.

5 miles the hard way

2011-06-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

As I got within a quarter mile of my house at the end of my run yesterday, "Mercy" by Duffy came on my iPod. And I thought "Oh yes, please, someone have mercy on me." I was suffering. My hips hurt, my lungs hurt, and I was just stumbling towards the end of the five miles. And it was all my own fault.

Alright, I am going to be honest with you all. I may have slacked off on my training a bit last week. As in, skipped a couple days. Okay, three. But before you jump on my case, let me just say, it all came back to bite me yesterday. Tuesdays are my long runs, and this week I graduated from 4 miles to 5. When I headed out yesterday morning, I couldn't find my rhythm to save my soul. But I kept going anyway, hoping my feet would eventually fall into a natural cadence. My legs felt tight, and things just didn't seem "on." But I kept going.

I changed it up by running on the other side of the river. The trail on that side goes further than on my side, which only makes a 4 mile loop from my house. I had run partway down the far side one day last week, and it seemed alright, so I figured I would be fine. Wrong. When I turned around at my 2.5 mile mark, I realized just how wrong I was. See, when you run down the river, there is something you don't realize. Because it is only a slight thing. But the bike trail on that side of the river is a bit of an incline. Meaning that once I turned around to come back, I was headed up. It wasn't like it was a big hill, or a mountain, but let me tell you that running two miles at even a bit of an incline felt like freaking Everest to me yesterday. It was awful. And meanwhile, the fog had settled down over the trail, boxing me in and making the air thick. My breathing became even more labored from the combo of running uphill and breathing in soup, and the lower half of my body was mutinying. And suddenly, I just couldn't run anymore.

So I took a few walking steps, cursing myself for being weak. I didn't walk long, and started jogging again, but had to take several more very short walking breaks on my way home. I felt defeated, sore, and disappointed. In myself. I wanted to call my husband and tell him to come pick me up. But I didn't. The only light in the entire story is that I made it home under my own power. And despite the few steps I had to walk, I still had a 12:19 minute mile pace. Which isn't that off for me.

I know that all runners say that some days, your runs are just bad. That they can't all be good runs, and that it is something everyone goes through. But it cut me down. The part of me that had been feeling like I was becoming a runner was crushed, and I felt like I was back at week one of C25K all over again. It was bad. So, today is a strength and stretch day on the schedule, and I am going to complete it and then try again tomorrow, which is a 3.5 mile run. Hope I can get my heart into it.

2+3=

2011-06-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am getting this in under the wire, and I honestly have so many other things to write about how my training has been going, and when most of you read this I will probably actually be out ~~dying on the trail by the river~~ doing it, but it needs to be stated tonight:

TOMORROW I HAVE TO RUN 5 MILES. I am ~~completely~~ a little bit ~~freaked out~~ nervous. It is a mile further than I have ever run before. And I thought 4 was kind of pushing it. However, when I think that in a couple weeks I will be doing 7 and 8 miles, I think that I should be grateful for 5. At any rate, it is happening. In the A.M. Like it or not.

Is this thing on?

2011-05-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

Hi there. My name is Morgan. You may have forgotten. I haven't been around for a while. Well, that isn't completely true. I have been around, watching you all. Reading what you are up to, following you around the blogosphere. Hm, now I sound like an internet stalker. Anyway, I just haven't been vocally here. I tried a few times to write a post, but I just haven't had it in me. Life has been rough the past few weeks. And while I don't feel like going into much detail about it right now, as it just opens the wounds and raises my anxiety level, I do want to thank those of you who checked on me through comments and emails, just to see if I was doing ok. It means a lot to have people remember that you were here once, and they haven't seen trace of you, and want to know if you are alive. I am.

On the health side of things, I am doing alright. My eating has been atrocious - I just yesterday broke a seven-day love affair with caffeinated soda (self-medicating for sure) and we haven't had any money to go grocery shopping so I have been living on the bare bones of what is left in the house, which of course is mainly processed stuff that I don't use normally. However, I haven't gained any weight, I am just hovering around the same number, so I guess that is good. I think that is because I have been running a couple miles several days a week. Because I don't know if you all remember, but I have a little run I signed up for coming up in September. You know, just a small one.

13.1 miles. Ok, so it isn't so little. Which is why I have been running and building up my base so that I can really start my training. Yesterday I ran 3.78 miles - the furthest distance I have ever run. In my life. You may be asking yourselves how I am ever going to run 13.1 miles if the furthest I have ever run is 3.78. And you would have a very valid question. And my answer would be...I don't know. I mean, I do know - I am going to follow the training plan and torture my poor body into submission and I am just going to do it. But the other side of my brain keeps throwing out alerts pointing out that I am insane, what was I thinking, I hate running, and so on and so forth. It will be interesting, that's for sure. And you all will ~~be forced~~ get to follow along, because I am going to use this blog as a journal of sorts through my training. I want/need to write down all the things that happen, both mentally and physically, as I go through this process, so that I can look back on it later and remember everything (after I collapse and have memory failure from running 13.1 miles!)

I also need support, if some of you are willing to give it. Like I said, things are rough right now, outside of the running which is bad enough, and having some bloggy friends would sure help to keep me going. Being isolated in my house is not doing it (who would have thought?) And over the next few days or weeks, as things hopefully get better and not worse, I may be able to share more of what is going on. It is Hubby's-job related, so I am sure that gives you all an idea.

So good morning, blogosphere!

2011-04-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my living room, watching the last rays of sunlight fade through my front window. The house is quiet except for the dragging of a crayon back and forth across a piece of paper as my youngest colors at the kitchen table. It is just he and I tonight, with my husband at work and the older three kids at my dad's. 'This will give me plenty of time to work on laundry, unpacking, and organizing' I thought to myself earlier today. What has it really given me plenty of time for? Soul-numbing, useless television and mindless eating.

When we finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house a few weeks ago after sharing her space for four and a half years, I thought that I would be over-the-moon excited. Previously I had entertained visions of putting together my own place, a joyful smile on my face as I opened boxes that hadn't seen the light of day in nearly five years. I would be so happy as I put things in their rightful place, purchased those things that didn't make the cut to be stored all those years ago, and finally set up house again on my own. The euphoria of finally having a home to make as per my personally applied label of "homemaker" would surely be enough to motivate me to get everything unpacked and clean within the first few weeks in our newly rented home.

The reality has, of course, fallen somewhat short of the dream. Two and a half weeks after moving, my garage is still filled with boxes, things are strewn, unpacked though not put away, throughout my home, and all motivation for rectifying the situation has abandoned me. My couches seduce me with whispered promises of comfort and naps, the internet beckons, and the muted pleas of the boxed items are easily drowned out by the calls of the new flat screen tv. Perhaps one of the great things about finally being on our own is not having to unpack and clean up on someone else's schedule, having no one to throw unhappy glances in my direction when I choose to spend my evening reclining on the couch rather than folding endless loads of laundry. Maybe I need to indulge in the freedom of this for just one more evening before throwing myself back into it like a two dollar hooker. At least if I am wrong, there is no one here to tell me.

Off and running

2011-03-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I made my ~~sad and lowly~~ triumphant return to running. I mapped a two mile route through my new neighborhood and the neighboring hoods and set out. While I am happy to say that I ran the whole way (which I was glad for after several weeks without working out) it was more difficult than I would have liked. However, upon reaching my doorstep and checking how long it took me, I was surprised to find that it was only 20 minutes, which means I did about 10 minute miles, which would explain the fact that I had a stitch in my side the whole time and felt like I wanted to quit halfway through. My normal times are between 11-12 minutes, so for me it was quite a pick-up in the pace. I will have to get better about pacing myself.

The neighborhoods around here are beautiful, with lots of old, leafy trees and pretty lawns. The smell of fresh-mowed grass hung in the air around almost every corner, a testament to the fact that everyone else around here has been waiting as hungrily as I have for the spring weather to hit us. Goodbye rain, hello sun and 70's! That is more like the California I know and love this time of year. It was a nice introduction to what running around here will be like, too. Beautiful!

In the way of what might be TMI, I have a wicked bladder infection, which also made the running, um, interesting. Feeling like I had to pee the whole time, and knowing that even if I sat down to pee hardly anything would happen and it would HURT. I just tried to ignore it and keep moving. I am drinking unsweetened cranberry juice like its going out of style and just hoping I won't have to go to the doctor for pills. If any of you have tried and true home remedies for this, please share!

I came home to the man delivering my new refrigerator - gorgeous! Goodbye to the dorm-sized fridge and hello to grocery shopping. Hubby is off today, there is work to be done around here, and I think there may be sushi in my near future! Hope you all are having a great day too!

Moaning and groaning, but doing it anyway

2011-03-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Setting myself up for success is important. I had told myself all weekend that Monday I was headed back to the gym, which for me means having to get up at five in the morning. After two and a half weeks of not getting my butt out of bed, I knew it was going to be rough and I was kind of dreading it. But last night I put my workout clothes in the bathroom, my water bottle by the door, set my alarm, and kissed my hubby goodnight at 9 so that I could get as much sleep as possible. With all that setup, how could I fail? Well, I could fail by thinking that I set my alarm and turned it on, when in reality I did set it, but did not turn it on. Luckily for me my body knew I was supposed to get up, and I woke up on my own about 5 minutes early.

Today was my first day at the Anytime Fitness closest to my new house, and I was feeling pretty nervous about it. I really loved the one I went to by my old house, and knew (by sight only) the people who worked out at the same time as me, loved my class two times a week and, yes, even my evil trainer Randy. Going into a new gym, where I know no one and the layout is completely different? Not exciting for me. When I went inside, (thankfully I saw someone else go in first, or I wouldn't have known where the door was!) I tried to look like I knew what I was doing while in reality I was scoping the place out to locate all the machines I like to use.

Well, the new place is different. They have some of the same machines, but they are missing some of my favorites. However, they have a machine that is kind of a cross between an elliptical and a stairmaster, which was pretty cool. Their classes (which are severely limited) are not included in your monthly payment, but cost extra - which I can't afford. And as far as I can tell, they don't have anything like my class at the last place. They do have a Saturday morning bootcamp, but as I said, it is extra. Taking it would almost double what I pay now, for only ONE DAY A WEEK. Hmmm, let me think about it, no. Plus their machines are not as clean (really just where your feet go, but still,) the tvs on their machines only show news channels (7 of them - what the heck???) their foam rollers are squishy (which completely negates the point of a foam roller,) and there is no evil trainer Randy to give me free professional training advice. I sound like such a whiner! But one you find a workout place/routine that is really working for you and that you really like, it is so hard to have to change it! Don't you guys agree???

At any rate, I did my workout, and after my hiatus I have to say that it felt good. I think that I pushed myself pretty well. There is another facility that is a bit further away from me - 4.8 miles as opposed to 2.4 for the one I went to today - and I might try them out if I decide I don't like this new one. But I will give it the week at least. Apparently I can go there for a while before actually switching my membership over from my old location, so I will just feel it out. Have any of you had to change workout places and been upset about it? How did it work out for you?

One Week Later

2011-03-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Seven days can really fly by, especially when you aren't sure what day it is because your life is in such disarray. We got all of our stuff moved last weekend (I hesitate to use the term "all moved in" given the towering mound of unpacked boxes in our garage) and have been sloooowly unpacking, organizing, shopping, etc. We were without internet until yesterday afternoon, which was a pain. You don't realize how much you use the internet until you are without it. You also don't realize how much time you ~~waste~~ spend looking at things until you have those ~~hours~~ minutes free to do other things (like continuous unpacking.)

Anyhow, the last couple of weeks have been rough. Exercise was thrown by the wayside, regular healthy eating is nowhere to be found, and I am left feeling pudgy, soft, and cranky. There are so many reasons for this lapse (aren't there always?) but the main point is that I am unhappy with how I am living. So the plan is to get back to the gym - I am transferring my membership to Anytime Fitness to a center near my new house, and once my new fridge gets delivered on Tuesday it will be fully stocked with fresh veggies and fruits and proteins (the six of us are currently living with a dorm room-size refrigerator, mostly buying perishables on a day to day basis.) I miss the healthy version of Morgan, the one who wasn't cranky and tired and didn't feel greasy and gassy and gross.

Oh, and since I have been offline, I have missed out on reading others blogs, and am just now catching up! Tonight is the deadline, but I wanted to send anyone reading over to Jasmine at Eat Move Write where she is giving away some free food from Noodles & Company, who my hubby just happens to work for! They have some really good food at great prices, and no, I don't get any kickbacks for saying that! Even if you don't win free food from Jasmine's giveaway, find your local Noodles and go try it on your own dime - it will be worth it! And check out Jasmine's blog regardless - she is fun and is one of my favorite blogs to read!

Moving

2011-03-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hey all. I have been absent from blogging, and am actually just stopping by to say that it isn't going to change right away. See, we're moving. Out of my mother-in-law's house. Where we have lived for the past 4 1/2 years. With all the difficulty that implies. So I am busy trying to get everything packed by tomorrow morning when everyone comes to help us move (in the pouring rain, apparently) and have had no time to sit and post anything. This move is major, something I have been praying for for, well, let's see, 4 years (that first 6 months here wasn't so bad) and yet, for some reason, I am not feeling excited. I like the house we will be renting, I like the area it is in, it is really close to Hubby's work so no more commute. But I always thought I would be jumping-up-and-down excited when I finally got to have my own place again. And I'm not. I hope it is just all the stress of packing that is causing this, and that when I get in there and start opening the boxes that I haven't seen the contents of all this time I will burst into joy. But for now I must get back to boxes and tape. I think I am developing an allergy to cardboard.

Fun-Scary

2011-03-10T19:35:00.000-08:00

There is a definite downside to not posting things when the happen, and that downside is that the things start piling up and pretty soon you don't know where to start with the blogging. And while I had every intention of posting on Monday, it turned out that my weekend migraine had decided to linger, plus Hubby was off work and we had to take my oldest daughter to a doctor's appointment which ended up being a full-day outing. Tuesday I spent out with my mother-in-law (still with a nagging pain behind my eye) and yesterday my girl had another doctor's appointment at lunchtime after which we stayed in Sacramento for the next 5 hours doing various things. Anyway...it is now Thursday, my headache is continuing to ebb and flow, and I have a ton of stuff I need to get started on, but I am posting because if I don't I will let another day go by and end up with even more catch-up to do.

On Sunday I posted that I had fun-scary news to share. Well, I got my tax money and officially signed up for:

On September 4, I will be running my first half-marathon. Through California Adventure, Disneyland, Anaheim, and the resort hotels. And while this is super-fun, very exciting, and somewhat shocking and amazing to me, it is also scary as hell. Because the most I have ever run is a 5k. But I set my goal for this year, and I am going to do my best to meet it. Reading One Crazy Penguin's Princess Half-Marathon posts reminds me to be jazzed about it more than scared.

Immediately after registering for the race, I headed to my local running store to get new shoes - you can't train without the proper equipment, right? And since the equipment for running pretty much consists of lungs, legs, and shoes, I needed to get the last component. After the guy at the running store watched me walk and what not, (apparently I have a normal step - no pronation, which I guess is a good thing) I tried on a few different pairs of the suggested shoes. I ended up with these:

Very comfortable. At least in the store, since I haven't hit the road with them yet. That headache really killed me. But I am officially ready to start my training, and most of the time am excited about the race. I am trying to find a way to hold on to the belief that I can do this. I will grasp a true feeling of it once in a while, but it tends to slip through my hands like water, leaving me with a feeling of fear instead. I'm working on it.

It'll have to wait

2011-03-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

I have news to share, fun news, kind of scary news, and I've meant to share it since Friday. But Friday got too busy, and yesterday brought me the Mother-Of-All-Migraines, which pretty much left me in the fetal position whimpering all day, until about 11 last night. It also left me with the inability to really see clearly this morning, so I can't type up a real blog post. So tomorrow, I promise, I will be back with news (and letters that don't change places as I type them.)

Kiss kiss bang bang

2011-02-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

the result after this morning's post

Appearances

2011-02-28T08:02:00.000-08:00

Every week, if not every day, I read a post on somebody's blog that talks about how it doesn't matter what we look like. That if it weren't for the fact that the fat was detrimental to our health, none of us would feel so bad about how we look. And that while they wouldn't mind looking thinner, that isn't really the reason they are in this weight loss thing - their motivation and drive comes from a desire to truly be the healthiest they can. When I read those kinds of posts, I go away feeling bad about who I am. I feel shallow and question why I can't be more concerned with who I am than with what other people see when they look at me and what size my clothes are.

Admittedly, for me it is the driving force in my efforts to lose weight. While I of course want to be healthy, the thing that has kept pushing me has been the desire to fit into my clothes better, and to be able to buy smaller sizes and cuter clothes. While I wish that I didn't spend so much time worrying about what I look like, comparing myself to other people, and always finding myself lacking, it isn't something I have been able to overcome.

Take for instance the fact that I am going to get some bangs cut into my hair this morning. While this may not seem like a monumental decision or act, I have gone back and forth with the decision for a couple of weeks. See, I want some of those swoopy side bangs that are popular now. I have been growing my hair out for a couple of years now from its previous A-line, ceasing the endless straightening of my natural curls. As anyone who has grown their hair out knows, it often seems like you are waiting to get to the point where your hair is long and beautiful, and meanwhile you are just trimming it every couple of months. It changes slowly, and seems to look the same for months at a time. So I have reached the point where I want something to mix it up a little, something a bit different, but I am not done growing it, don't want to cut any length off, and don't want to color it because the upkeep is just too much for me and most of the time I like my natural auburn and gold highlights. So bangs seem like a good idea - a small change but something different and fun.

So decision made, right? Ha! Because see, my mind doesn't work on a linear level. It curves and climbs and dips and doubles back. Worries and fears jump out from their dark hiding places and interrupt the path of decision. What if the bangs look weird? I mean, I will have to straighten them each day to make them swoopy, and the rest of my hair is curly. Will that look funny? What if I hate them, and after all this time of trying to get my hair to all be long in length, I now have to start growing bangs out all over again? What if I just looked better without them and never should have gotten them? And on and on and on. (To which my husband invariably replies - "What if your arm falls off?" I imagine twelve years with my insanity is enough to drive a man crazy - he doesn't even try to calm me down anymore.)

I have asked friends and family their opinions, looked at endless pictures online. All for this seemingly small change to my hair. Well, yesterday I finally made an appointment to get the cut this morning. Decision made again, right? Yeah, I am going to go through with it, but last night I had this terrible dream that I had already cut them myself into fringe-style bangs, which looked horrible, and then the lady who does my hair looked horrified, and really couldn't do anything to help me, and I was just so regretful that I had ever touched them. I woke up this morning thinking I should text and cancel my appointment. But I am not going to. I am going to go and do this, and convince myself that no matter the outcome, it won't ruin anything, it isn't a drastic decision, and it is only hair. It will grow back if I don't like it. And on the flip side, I may come back from it looking like a movie star. Who knows?

Now imagine that all this craziness is applied to my body. Even after losing 50 pounds, there are still days where I find it impossible to get dressed and feel good about how I look. It is a downward spiral, all fed by things I was told as a young girl by a vindictive girlfriend of my dad's and an ex-alcoholic grandfather who still had an occasional mean streak. But today I will silence the voices and take a small step in the direction of believing in myself and my decisions. And hopefully come back with my hair looking more like this:

And less like this:

Focus

2011-02-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel that I have had two distinct goals in my life - 1) run a half-marathon and generally continue to improve my fitness and 2) lose weight. Now, #2 has been on the goal list for quite a while. And I have been losing. Slowly. And it seems like #s 1 and 2 go hand in hand. But I have to tell you, lately it really feels like they are at odds with one another. Because I have been improving my fitness - lots and lots of cross training, and I am definitely trimming down and gaining muscle. Which is what I think is causing some trouble with the weight loss. I may be losing fat, but I am replacing it with muscle, so the number on the scale? Isn't moving.

And while on one level I know that this is the case, and that it isn't just that I am not changing at all, on another level it completely stresses me out that I am not seeing results reflected on the scale, and it is leading me to spend way more time than is healthy obsessing over what I am eating and why isn't all the time I am spending working out helping and blah blah blah.

I think that what my problem is (shall I say one of my problems? Because lets be honest, I have too many to list) is that I am splitting my focus. Right now, I feel like I need to either focus on one goal or the other. So for now, I am going to be focusing on improving my fitness and getting my training underway for my half marathon. I will put all my effort into that. This doesn't mean that I am not going to still strive to make good choices food-wise, or that I won't ever weigh myself, only that I am going to put the most work into improving my body through exercise, and along with that, maybe the weight will drop. But if it doesn't, I will do my best to be ok with it, and to be happy with the achievements I will be making in that arena.

Now, on a physical note, I think that I strained my foot when I went running the other day. I need new running shoes, as mine are pretty worn, and my best guess is that this fact resulted in my injury. My foot is really sore along the outside of the sole. I can walk on it, but after a bit it really hurts. Any thoughts on this???

What a Tool

2011-02-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

Wednesday = workout class. I think it is called Group X, but in all the time I have been going on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have never referred to it by its name. Randy kicked our butts today. Actually, let me rephrase that. He gave us the tools to kick our own butts. Because really, while he will stand there and tell us to pick up the speed and correct us when we aren't doing something the right way, for the most part we are responsible for how much of an effort we put out. Some days, I have a harder time getting myself to really push it. Other days, I give it my all. Today was one of those days.

We did something similar to drills, so we were in a line. There were only four of us today. I was in front. And I pushed it and did things quickly. And ended up at the back of the line, because today no one else was really pushing. And I didn't fault them for that. It just meant there were times when I had to wait a minute to start the next exercise because I had just finished my 5th time through while the others were just starting their 5th. It felt good to be the one who was really on today.

I need to apply this principle to the rest of my healthy-living. Especially my eating. Because really, I know the drills. I have the tools to kick my butt into gear and lose the last 15-20 pounds. But I am just holding them, lightly using them, setting them down when they feel too heavy. And no one else can pick them up and finish the job for me. I am the one who has to do the work. I will be doing my best to focus and remember that today. Because while I still haven't had sugar since last Friday, my other eating habits haven't gotten any better. And it isn't any one thing that is holding me back, it is a general faineance in the eating department.

Are you using your tools?

Back at it

2011-02-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's walk turned into a run halfway through, I kind of caught the bug to get back into my running. I don't know if anyone remembers, but a while back I declared that this would be the year of the half-marathon for me. Since then, I have done nothing in the running department to further my goal. Sure, I have put in a mile or two here and there, but I found myself in a funk and just couldn't bring myself to really run. I kept up with my other cardio and my strength training, but since running outside in my first (and only) 5k last November, the treadmill just doesn't do it for me. And I didn't have the will to push it.

Well, with the return of the nice weather here in Northern California (at least temporarily,) I got just the inspiration I needed to get my feet moving. This morning I left my house, intent only on running as far as I felt able, and just getting back out there. We live in a rural town, but right next to a (slightly) bigger one, and so I headed out down my country-ish road towards our local grocery store, Raley's. My husband was home working on something, but he was going to be heading to the store to pick up some chorizo for breakfast (as my mother-in-law is making homemade tortillas as I type this,) and I figured that I would just keep running as long as I could, and he could pick me up on his way back home if I couldn't go any further.

Where the rural part of our road ends and the more populated area starts is about a mile and a half. When I was training for the 5k, that was how I marked where to turn around to come back to get the full distance. But as I reached that point this morning, my hubby had not yet driven past me on his way to the store, and I didn't want to turn around and run where I had already been, so I kept going. Where our road ends altogether is about 2 miles from my home, so I figured I would get to there, and if I hadn't seen any sign of my husband I would just keep going as far as I could. I reached the corner - still no sign of Hubby. So I thought "Well, I'll just keep going until I can't."

And I did. I just kept running, eventually deciding that I would just try to make it to Raley's. At some point I figured that my husband must have already passed me and I just hadn't noticed. Well, I made it all the way to the store. A distance of 3 miles. And I probably could have gone a bit further, but at that point I just decided that I might as well meet my husband there and catch a ride back home. So I pulled out my cell phone and called him, figuring he was already inside somewhere, and simultaneously when he answered I saw him at the stoplight waiting to pull in.

"Did I pass you?" he asked me. When I told him no, that I was at Raley's, he was surprised. "I was starting to worry that maybe you'd hurt yourself and fallen in a ditch."

But no, I ran all the way. The first time since Thanksgiving that I have run that far. And it felt wonderful to accomplish. I think I am ready to start my training for the half-marathon. But for now, there is chorizo & eggs and fresh-made tortillas waiting for me.

Not my chorizo, but close enough. This one doesn't have eggs in it yet.

President's are made for pajamas

2011-02-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

Good morning, blog peoples. It is 8:02 a.m. on the west coast, and already it has been a great day! How many times do you get to say that? Me? Not very. So I will claim it, and love it, and carry the feeling with me in hopes that I will remember to look for it again in the future.

Today has been declared Pajama Day for my family. A day off from school, Hubby's day off from work, and we are going to cocoon ourselves for some much needed family time. There are copious amounts of movie watching ahead, and maybe some board games. And probably a nap. Or two. Heaven? Yes, I think so. However, Pajama Day falls on a Monday, which is one of the two days a week that I have my workout class with the evil trainer, and I refuse to miss those classes unless I am dying or out of town. They are that killer.

So I was up at 5:15, and out of my pajamas and into my workout clothes while the rest of the family slumbered on blissfully. I hit the all motion trainer for 28 minutes, then the half hour class (today's focus was strength - my muscles were so shaky by the time we finished.) Then I hopped in my van and headed home, fully intending to change immediately back into my jammies and call it good.

Only I didn't. Somewhere between the gym and my house (which keep in mind is only a two mile distance) I had decided that I was going to go for a walk when I got home. (I know - who am I, and what happened to Morgan?) So I came into the house, said good morning to three of my children who had risen in my absence (my 6 year old son looked at my workout clothes and said "You are going to put your jammies back on, right?") and then headed out. There is a hilly 2 mile loop from my house, which was my one source of exercise in the months when I lost my first 30 pounds a couple years ago. I decided I wanted to revisit it, as I hardly ever use it now that I use the fitness center.

My fastest time to do the loop in the past was 27 minutes, and that was sometime after I had lost that first chunk of weight. Today I set out at a determined pace, and about halfway through I started jogging. And I didn't stop. Downhill, uphill, slow but steady, I ran over half the loop all the way back to my house, and could have kept going if I hadn't reached my destination. It felt wonderful. And before I had always used the end of my driveway as my stopping place, telling myself when it would get rough to keep going "Just to the mailbox, then you can stop." But today I ran to my front door. Upon checking my time, I was pleased to see that it took me about 24 and a half minutes.

I feel great, and am so so glad I went out. I am a little sweatier than I intended, so I think I will actually shower before putting my jammies back on. But pajama day doesn't officially start until everyone is awake, and Hubby and the eldest girl are not awake yet, so I have some time. I hope that everyone out there has a great President's day, whatever you are doing!

Bad timing

2011-02-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that the day you go to a baby shower is not the best day to decide to not have any sugar. What is it about celebrating an impeding birth that inspires buffets of brownies, cake, and candies? No matter - I didn't touch any of it. I said I wouldn't have sugar yesterday, and I didn't. And I at least partially owe that to you all - making it a public statement on the blog made it more necessary for me to stick to it. So, one successful day over. Today I am still not having sugar, but I am also going to focus on portion control. I feel like I ate a lot yesterday, some of which wasn't strictly necessary. We are spending a Sunday at home - kids are sick, Hubby is going to work, so I am missing church and hanging by the fire. Hopefully I will get a walk in later, too. Happy Sunday all!

My Sweetness will be All Natural

2011-02-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

I should have posted sometime in the last week to capture how I was feeling, because things change quickly around my house and now I am in a new state of mind. Which is good - the state I was visiting was ugly. But what good is a blog if you don't use it to document these things? And somehow it never sounds the same when being recounted rather than written when it is happening.

At any rate, the past week has been horrendous - stress, tension and arguing with my husband, annoyance and then anger at my kids, fighting amongst themselves without stopping, so on and so forth. I was feeling so upset and guilty and such a slough of other negative emotions, and then I started eating sugar. Anything I could get my hands on. And I didn't want it AT ALL. My body told me no, the food turned to ash in my mouth, and yet I pressed on. Why is it that the only thing I am good at pushing through and forcing myself to do is bad eating? And as I thought about what I was doing, and I did think about it, even while eating a peanut butter cookie every time I passed the plate in the kitchen, I knew that I was punishing myself. For yelling at my kids, for fighting with my husband, for being so miserable. I felt bad emotionally, and I was going to make sure I felt bad physically too. I am not sure that I have ever done this before. My emotional eating in the past has been linked to boredom, or sadness, or searching for something that I am missing that can't actually be filled by sugar. But this is the first time I remember eating out of spite for myself.

And the crazy thing? I wanted to stop. My mind and body both told me no. But I was determined, and I just kept going. Well, Hubby and I were finally able to sit together and talk things out last night, without the negative emotions getting in the way, without the kids needing immediate attention, and were able to validate each other's feelings and also express what each of us has been going through separately from the other. And this morning I feel much better. Even throughout the events of the week, I was sure to get my workouts in, so those were, at least, still in place, and this morning I made it to the gym before Hubby had to leave for work at 7. And I made a goal for the day. For just the day, because right now I can't handle anything longer-term than that - with everything else that we are dealing with it becomes too overwhelming. So I will take it a day at a time.

That is it today - no sugar. I am not going to count all my calories, or cut out sugar and carbs and fats, or only eat vegetables. I am just eschewing sugar. And I am happy about it. And my stomach is happy about it - I feel nauseas just thinking about those cookies - I sent them to work with my husband. So today is a new start - thank goodness we get one every day.

My Trainer is Evil

2011-02-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

Last Monday as I was standing in the workout room waiting for my 6:30 a.m. class to start, the trainer who teaches it, Randy, looks at me and asks "How much more weight have you lost?" The heads of the other four people in the class swivel to look at me. Great.

"None," I reply, hands on my hips in my defensive posture. "I am pretty much maintaining." 'Now can we please just get on with you kicking our butts?'

"Well you can see a difference." He says, while eight other eyes continue staring. Have I mentioned that I am the biggest person in the class? And while I am, admittedly, not as big as I used to be, I am still aware of that fact.

"Yeah, well, it is annoying." I reply, referring to the fact that the damn number on the scale doesn't. want. to. budge.

"That's because you are looking at the scale." He says smugly. "Throw that thing away."

Ha, yeah right. He might as well tell me to throw out my tennis shoes. It feels that essential to my progress (an issue to be addressed later.) So class starts and during the half hour of ~~torture~~ workout, I catch myself several times staring at the region of my body that exists from just below my waist to my knees. Those full length mirrors are brutal. And while I have lost 50 pounds, there are still a good 15-20 hanging around my hips, thighs, and butt. And let's be honest, who doesn't want to hang around my hips, thighs, and butt? But I want them GONE. I continue the workout, and at the end we all say goodbye and turn to exit through the gym.

"Morgan, let me show you something. Do you have a minute?"

Crap. "Sure, yeah."

"I know where you are trying to get, and I can help you out."

Randy walks me out to the lying chest press machine, and throws a mat on the floor beneath one of the handles. "Get down on your hands and knees," he tells me. Thus far in my time since I started the class with Randy, there are times when I will be working out on the equipment and he will come by and tell me how to do things a little differently, or how to ramp it up to get better results, and I ALWAYS do it. I figure, the man is a professional, and I am, at best, a layman. Or laywoman. Whatever. And I ALWAYS wish he hadn't come by and told me to do whatever it is. Because it nearly kills me. Every time. But just nearly. He knows how to keep me alive so that he can torture me again later.

So I get down on the floor, and he proceeds to tell me how to do mule kicks with my foot on the bar of that machine, thus adding weight to my kicks. I start the exercise, as he is telling me to do 3 reps of 10 on each side every other day. As he watches me he lowers that to 8. And then 5. That is encouraging. I am worse than he thought. He tells me that in a week or so, he will give me another exercise to add in. He goes back to his office, and I do the sets, and when I am done my legs are jelly. With a capital J. My thighs and butt are throbbing. Throbbing Jelly? Not so conducive to walking. But I make it to my car and off to home.

On the way, I was thinking that I have never told Randy that I want to cut the fat off of my legs and butt, with a sharp knife if necessary. That while I feel pretty good about how I am looking in the last few months, Those areas of my body are the bane of my weight-loss existence. But he knew. And he is giving me free personal training advice, something that the other clients in the gym pay through the nose for. And as I have watched him run the class and work with the other people in the gym, I have seen time and time again that all he really wants for any of us is to experience personal improvement. He doesn't yell, belittle, or force anything. He just challenges us continually, and that has really helped me see that I am capable of more than I ever thought I was.

But he is still evil.

Gruvy

2011-02-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

I just jogged laps around my kitchen counter at 10 p.m. at night in order to get the last calories needed to change my Gruve light to green, thus officially meeting my "green goal" for the day. Don't tell me this thing doesn't motivate you to move. G'night all.

Wow, an award!

2011-02-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have never been awarded anything as a blogger. And let me be honest for a minute here - I am not sure that I deserve this one. I haven't been doing too well with the blogging lately. But I am very very grateful to Gen over at Gen's 110 for giving it to me. Go and check her out - she is new to this weight-loss blogging thing, and can use some support from you all. And I am going to use this award to jump back into blogging - I have some things I want to blog about that have been rattling around in my mind. So here goes nothing:

The rules for this award are simple:

Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award;
Share 7 things about yourself;
Award 5 bloggers who have "stylish" blogs

Well, seven things about me...

1) My birthday is on St. Patrick's Day, and it was also my great-grandma's birthday. I am part Irish and love having that be my birthday!

2) I hate olives.

3) I have three chickens named Lucille, Smidge, and Kevin (yes, a hen) that my family wanted but I didn't, and in the true nature of being the mom, I am the one who takes care of them all and they follow me everywhere.

4) I secretly dream of being a gospel singer, ever since playing a gospel singing nun in a musical in high school. Sorry, I don't have a scanner or else I would post a picture. It would be very embarrassing.

5) I love Disneyland. Well, really I love Disney in general, but am really interested in Walt Disney himself and love love love going to the theme park. I know more about Disneyland than your average person. Luckily for me, my husband loves it all as much as I do. Unluckily for me, I live 8 hours away (7 if the traffic in L.A. is good, which let's face it, is never.) My husband is trying to convince me to remedy this.

This picture is the hubby and I in Disneyland in 2007 - it is also a wonderful example of the difference between who we were (physically) then vs. now.

6) I am forever taking pictures of myself, trying to get that elusive "good one." Most people just think I am vain.

Sometimes I include some of my children, as they always make me look good.

7) I LOVE to read. I have been known to finish a 500+ page book in a day if I am really into it.

Ok, that was much harder than it should have been. Surely there is more to me than seven facts! Well, part three of this award is to award five others. I am sure that some of you have already received this, and others probably eschew all awards. Since I don't know who specifically feels that way, I am taking my chances and awarding:

1)T.J. of tj's test kitchen

2) JBS of Journey Beyond Survival

3) Biz of My Bizzy Kitchen

4) Jasmine of eatmovewrite

5) and Chris of A Deliberate Life

Those women inspire me every day, and I really appreciate them for that.

Thanks again, Gen, for including me in the fun!

Getting my Gruve on

2011-01-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

I work out at Anytime Fitness, just up the road from my house. I love it. It is small, I can go anytime (bet you couldn't have guessed that from the name, huh?) and it is never overcrowded. And it has the best class with a great trainer at just the right time for me 2 days a week. Fabulous. Recently, they offered a deal on buying a Gruve - it was half the normal cost, and it syncs up with their website, Anytime Health. I have wanted to try the Gruve for a while, since reading about others who got them at FitBloggin' last year, and so I seized the opportunity.

The idea behind the Gruve, which was developed by the Mayo Clinic, is that it gets you to increase your movement throughout your day. It is a little device which clips onto your waistband and tracks the calories you burn/amount you move all day long. It has a little bar that you press which lights up, and it starts at red and then goes through a range of colors during the day until it reaches green. For the first week you wear it, you are in "assessment mode" so that it can get an idea of how much you are already moving. From then on, it sets a "Green Goal" for you to meet each day, a certain number of calories to burn. If you meet your green goal for several days in a row, it ups the ante. The focus of the product is to increase your Non-Exercise Activity (NEAT), drawing attention to how much you are moving around during your normal day. If you haven't moved in an hour, it vibrates three times to tell you to get up because your metabolic rate is about to drop.

I have been in assessment all week, and starting today should be getting my goal. It is currently evaluating my week. So far, I really like being able to see how much I am (or am not) doing. I like the graphs, and I like that it encourages me to get off my butt. I work out 5 days a week, but some days after I hit the gym, I end up in front of the computer or reading for hours at a time, resulting in very little movement. Wanting to hit a certain number keeps me conscious of that.

In addition, the Anytime Health website has a diet tracker, where you can track the calories you consume throughout the day. Now let me say, I loathe counting calories. Or at least I always have. Yes, I know it works, I know it is the best way to track what I am putting into my body, and I know that most successful weight losers do it. But it has always felt like so much extra work and so restricting and so time consuming. Well, I gave in and am using the tracker online. Some of my tracking isn't exact right now - I made soup and just did my best guess rather than adding up everything that went in there and then dividing it all out to see what a serving size was, etc. (I cook without recipes the majority of the time, so having to measure everything I am putting in there? Yeah, I am not there yet.) But it is pretty close, and so far it is resulting in some weight loss. And it is making me very conscious of what I am putting in my mouth. I realize that at some point it won't be enough and I will have to be more exact, but for now it is good.

So that is where I am at now. I still haven't found my rhythm with the healthy living thing - I lost it when my daughter had surgery and haven't regained it since, but I am going with the "fake it till you make it" plan, and hoping that high comes back and helps carry me through.

Oh, and reading back over this, I realize it sounds like an advertisement for Anytime Fitness and the Gruve, but it isn't. Nor is it a real product review. Just me sharing what is going on in my life.

Hope you all have a good day.

Flotsam

2011-01-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have spent countless hours sitting in front of this computer, fingers poised over the keyboard, just trying to write something here so that my already small group of readers doesn't become smaller. But anything that my fingers clickety-clacked out seemed forced, or trite, or boring. I just couldn't do it. My head would fog over, I would stare into space, and nothing would get posted.

This is actually how the rest of my life has been going as of late too. I know there are things that need to be done. Piles of laundry, stacks of dishes. Time to spend with kidlets. But it all seems so overwhelming right now that I can't even get started.

My workouts have been kind of a crapshoot. Two or three days of making it count, then three or four of not. The gnawing knowledge that this isn't going to cut it, that I can do better, nipping at me through the fog. Sometimes it is like my mind is working, but can't get my body to comply.

I am sure that my iron is low, that I am not getting enough sleep, that I feel run down and lonely too. The days here in Northern California are grey and cold. Maybe it is the winter blues? I don't know, but I feel like a piece of driftwood caught in a slow tide, ebbing just off the shore, not quite able to make it to the sand and stability of the beach, but watching it as it comes in and out of focus all day. I need something to grab onto to pull myself out of this place, or helping hands to get me up. But instead I am floating.

Old Year Hangover

2011-01-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

Somehow that new year feeling has dodged me. It is elusive in a way that it has never been before. I have been reading on all the blogs about how people are loving this shiny new year, the chance to begin again to work on themselves. Some are making resolutions, some are against resolutions but are continuing in their dedication to bettering themselves. Over here? I am being hit in waves by things that are not-so-great about my life right now, both old and new. The stresses are heavy, and my resolve and determination currently belong in the light-weight division. My ability to deal in a sane, non-self-destructive way is nearly nonexistent.

In an attempt to grab onto a life preserver, I am throwing out into the blogosphere one major goal for the year. Something that will require training, dedication, and commitment. Something that I can control, because so many things right now I can't. Here goes:

For me, Morgan Joyner, 2011 will be the year of the half-marathon. No, you didn't imagine that I said that, and you don't need to rub your eyes and look at it again to be certain. I said it, and I meant it. This year I will run a half-marathon. I am currently in the process of finding which one I will enter, and researching training plans. I will let you know what I find. I am leaning towards the Disneyland Half Marathon, which has a hefty entrance fee and would be heavy heavy motivation not to give up partway through the year.

If anyone out there is reading this and has any useful advice for me concerning running 13 miles, please please please impart it here. Keep in mind that I KNOW NOTHING. I have run exactly one 5k as far as races go. And I plan on going for completion, not to win.

I will try to muster up some positivity for my next post, because it hasn't all been crap sandwiches around here - there has been a small side dish of good-times salad. Maybe tomorrow I can share some of that with you all.

G'night.

quiet

2010-12-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

hey all. things have been quiet around here lately...just with the busyness of the season, taking care of my daughter, and now having my other three kids stuck in the house all the time while california is flooded with rain, i haven't had much time for blogging. i just wanted check in and say hi, and let anyone reading know that i have not, in fact, given up the good fight. holiday weight gain? you betcha. am i over it? it took a few days, but yep. because i know it isn't permanent. and it wasn't drastic. i know that when i look in the mirror and see my thighs ballooning out before my eyes, it is a trick of my mind. while i went up a couple pounds, i actually went down a quarter of an inch in said thighs, and my glutes. so i am back on track again - my weight loss journey has been a slow one, while i am still enjoying food and life, and i am okay with that. a slow, gradual downslope for me is better than a quick one that spikes back up every few months.

i will be back with more consistency soon. hope everyone has a wonderful new year.

To-day List

2010-12-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I take the stuff out of my room that has been waiting to go to storage for three weeks.

Today is the day that I finish unpacking the stuff from the hospital.

Today is the day I fold the baskets of laundry that have been sitting on my floor all week.

Today is the day I put away the bags of stocking stuffers that have been piling up next to my bed.

Today is the day I watch a movie with my daughter while she is home and actually wants to spend time with me.

Today is the day I take a nap to make up for the sleep I have been missing instead of telling myself I don't have time.

Today is the day I make a shopping list for Christmas dinner.

Today is the day I don't pick things up and put them in my mouth without thinking about it first.

Today is the day I make two dozen cookies for my younger daughter's cookie exchange.

Today is the day I finish the good book I've been reading.

Today is the day I will be proud of whatever I accomplish, enjoy the time that my eldest daughter is here with me, and appreciate the things I have in my life.

What is your today like?

Mess

2010-12-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Got up at 5 to give my daughter her meds, and forced myself into my workout clothes and to the gym for 36 minutes on the elliptical and a half hour class. And if that is the best thing that I can say about this day when I climb into bed tonight, then I am ok with that. The trainer who does our class made us write down some goals for now to New Year's, and while my whole mind and body screamed "Don't do it!!! You are relying on comfort food right now and are too exhausted to commit to working out!!!" I did it anyway. Maybe it is just what I need to keep me from going over the edge with the eating over the next few stressful weeks. Nothing like accountability to a roomful of semi-strangers and a trainer to make you stick to a healthy eating plan. So my thighs and butt were measured (sorry - glutes - let's be professional here) and I weighed in on the gym scale. Yippee. (That was not a sincere yippee, by the way.)

So in other news, today is Hubby's last double shift and he has tomorrow off, which means I think we just might make it. He actually got to come home early last night - I went into my daughter's room to give her a pillow and he was sitting there - he had snuck in. The joy I felt was indescribable.

Unfortunately it is not all sunshine and lollipops - I got in a big fight with my dad yesterday, completely his fault and I ended up bawling on the phone and telling him that I just couldn't deal with him right now with everything else going on. The thing is - I NEVER fight with my dad. Next to my husband and kids, he is the most important person in my life. And so to have him do this to me, to be a complete jerk towards me when I am going through what I am going through with my child, just wrecked me. So on top of the constant worry and frustration and exhaustion that is coming from my daughter's recovery, now I have this whole other situation weighing on me. Hubby says I don't have the time or capacity to deal with it right now - and that it is my dad's issue not mine - and that I need to let it go. And while I know that is rational, I am having a hard time executing it.

I am just a mess right now.

Home again home again

2010-12-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, this little piggy is back home once more, and between you and me? The term piggy completely applies to me right now. But first things first.

Anna was discharged from the hospital Wednesday, after a final hellacious encounter with the physical therapist. The car ride home was torture, for her and me, as every bump or jostle brought tears and pain. Since we've been home, it has been a struggle to get her to eat, and she still hasn't pooped. Which makes it 9 days since the last time. Yeah. She resists me in all things right now - drinking water, eating, getting out of bed to walk, and sitting in anything resembling an upright position. And to make her do these things, over and over, causing her pain because the doctor and physical therapist told me to? Is exhausting and painful for me.

She can't get out of bed on her own, walk around on her own, go to the bathroom on her own. She can't be in a car until January. At 12:30 and 4:30 in the morning I get up to give her pills for the pain, plus whatever other times I hear her moaning or crying in pain over the baby monitor. Hubby is working double shifts this week because he is training a new staff for a restaurant which is opening a new location next Thursday (same chain he was working at already, just a new location for him.) The new location is further away as well. So for the past 4 days he has had to leave the house by 6:40 a.m., and isn't coming home until 11 at night. Which pretty much makes this the Morgan show. And when I was in the hospital with Anna, just Anna, with nurses backing me up, that was tolerable (though not always pleasant.) But here at home, with the other 3 kids added back in, and life and home still needing attention and work? I am barely holding it together. And that is probably the understatement of the year.

And all of this craziness, exhaustion, and frustration is leading to eating eating eating. I am chasing something that will give me comfort, or stimulation, or energy, and not finding it. Which doesn't stop me. That weight I worked so hard to get off? The tone I worked so hard to build up? Disappearing like an oasis in the desert. I haven't gained more than 3 pounds yet. But that is the key work there. YET. Friday, desperate to get my butt moving again, I forced myself to go tot he gym after Anna's 4:30 meds rather than climbing back into bed. And it was hard to workout. And that sucked. Because a week ago I could totally do it.

So that is where I am - I feel the walls closing in, and I am combating it with food, and obviously that needs to stop. And obviously I am going to have to continue to go to the gym at 4:30 if that is the only time that I have the chance. I say obviously, but saying it and doing it are two different things. I'm definitely going to need some support. Anyone got some to lend?

Everything I Never Wanted to Know

2010-12-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

I have been compiling a list of things that I didn't know before this stay in the hospital with my daughter. So here are some things that you might not know in case you should ever find yourself in the hospital with your eleven year old daughter after her spinal surgery.:

You will never be so proud as the first time your daughter is able to pee without a catheter.

Those first steps she takes with the physical therapist will mean even more than her first steps as a baby. The same goes for the first bite of food she takes after surgery, and you won’t even mind having to feed her for the first couple of days.

If you are as fortunate as I have been, you will be barraged with requests to help. While this is absolutely wonderful, you will have no idea what to tell any of them that they can do for/bring you, since all that you really want is a decent night’s sleep/a pain-free child/your sanity back.

You will feel unable to leave your daughter’s side for more than the two minutes it takes to use the bathroom and wash your hands, because you know that anytime she wakes up and you aren’t there, she feels alone and scared and that makes the pain even worse. You may even consider using her bedside commode.

Time will pass without your having any knowledge – sometimes an hour will have gone by, or sometimes several. You will be so wrapped up in what is happening with your child that it won’t even matter. It is kind of like being in a casino in Vegas where you can't tell night from day, only less fun.

Healthy eating will be nearly impossible, as 1) there isn’t a wide variety of foods in the cafeteria, 2) people bring you comfort foods (which is all you really want anyway) and 3) as previously stated, time is so irrelevant that you go for hours and hours without eating, shoveling food in when you get the chance. Just ignore the layer of fat that grows around you.

All of your planned hospital exercise will go right out the window – you will find yourself far too exhausted, both physically and emotionally, to do anything more than move around the hospital room getting your daughter whatever she needs and helping her log roll. Feel free to count walking her down the hallway as exercise.

The ladies in the cafeteria will ask you, about your fourth morning in, if you work at the hospital or are just visiting someone. That is how often they have seen you.

You will know the layout of your floor as well as the nurses do. On your way to the kitchen to get more ice chips/water/sugar-free jello, try not to scoff at the parents of new patients as they try to find the bathroom/elevator/their child's room. It doesn't paint you in a sympathetic light.

Watching your daughter cry quietly in pain, trying to be brave, while there is nothing you can do won’t kill you, but you will wish it would.

And the final thing I have learned in my time in the hospital, which I can't promise will apply to you: my daughter is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. But I already sort of knew that.

A Letter From JBS

2010-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Today, my friend Journey Beyond Survival is so sweetly helping me out as I am still sitting in a hospital room with my 11 year old daughter as she begins recovering from her spinal surgery. JBS has a lot of experience with hospitals, doctors, and watching your child go through some really painful things, as well as having had surgery herself as a teenager. She has such a wonderful voice and reading this post was exactly what I needed.

Dear Morgan,

Morphine makes you do weird things. If your daughter happens to ask you, "When is that helicopter ever going to land?" please hide your dismay. She is not hallucinating, nor is she quite as high as a kite. No, your daughter is probably being tormented by the pump in her IV stand. It is really cruel and unusual to have to listen to that while in a drugged haze and everyone treating you like the class clown.

Also, laughing should be discouraged. Unless your daughter starts laughing first. Then you should make all efforts possible to laugh as long as she does. Do not be discouraged by her delayed stupor. She WILL notice if you stop and stare in a horrified way. The best way to accomplish this is to steal her breathing exerciser. It will look like this:

Make sure she is asleep and the nurses will not be coming in, then float that yellow disc at the top! Keep it up. LONGER! Not only will this give you empathy for when she has to do it, but it will also give you the ability to laugh as long as her disturbed sense of normal laughing time dictates.

Make sure you gargle with iodine first, or something equally disinfecting. Do not swallow.

When you go home, do both of you a favor and invest in tube socks. There is nothing worse than having someone else put on your socks. The heel is never quite right, and the seam always itches in the wrong way all day long. Tube socks will prevent all such horrible interactions. Especially since you both want to just be nice. Remember, it's like having a toddler put your glasses on for you while your hands are tied behind your back. Terribly difficult to be civil during such challenges.

Loneliness will be rampant for both of you. It is difficult to be cut off, shut out. Just remember that it doesn't make it any better for her if you are equally imprisoned. Maybe her friends could come to "help study" while you go out grocery shopping. Or you could go to yoga. Or skydiving. At any rate, it would give you each some space and time away from each other. Please attend to this matter most attentively.

It could make or break your recovery.

Oh, and hers too.

Kisses, hugs and brainwaves,

JBS

baby steps

2010-12-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

the day went by without crawling slowly. anna is sleeping peacefully for now, which has not always been the case since yesterday, and so this moment is a happy one. she hasn't gotten out of bed yet, and the nurses are still log-rolling her, but she did eat some jello (her first food in over 24 hours) so that is progress.

i took some time to walk hubby down the stairs on his way out to pick up chinese since we somehow missed dinner (it is now 9:30.) my intention was to turn around upon kissing hubby goodbye and climb my way back up the stairs to our room on the 6th floor, to avoid blood clots from spending so much time sitting and also make up for said chinese food. the flaw in this plan? after 9, the stairway door on the 1st floor is locked. humph. so it was back up in the elevator. and then down the 6 flights again to the bottom, and a quick u-turn and back up the stairs. 104 stairs. it wasn't a lot, but it was all i had the stamina for after the last two days. and here comes hubby with the chinese.

waiting game

2010-12-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

today i am sitting in the surgery waiting room at the hospital, trying not to imagine my daughter laying on a table down the hallway with an incision down the length of her back, her spine being disassembled and, eventually, reassembled with some new hardware. we are about halfway done with the surgery itself, and the nurse calls me every hour to let me know that things are still going well. i've been up since 4, at the hospital since 5:45. that siren song of the pepsi is calling to me, a sound that only i can hear and it is up to me to either avoid or succumb to. we are surrounded by family, all of us chatting and joking and just trying to pass the time and not fixate.

keeping healthy eating in tact in situations like this is, for me, a bit difficult. what i want is comfort and warmth. and what i had for breakfast was a half of a beef brisket sandwich with a barbecue/horseradish sauce, cheese, tomatoes, onions, and jalepenos on the most perfect ciabatta roll imaginable. don't judge me - if you could have smelled the meat, which the local deli we found only makes once a week, you would have ordered it too. in a heartbeat.

yesterday, before an early morning round of pre-op and xrays, i got myself out of bed and to the gym, cramming in a half hour of cardio rather than missing it altogether, and also left with a to-go bag from my trainer with resistance bands, a ball, and some workout instructions so that i can do something while i am here for the next five days. there are seven flights of stairs here, which i will be climbing intermittently as well. just because my world has gotten a little shaky doesn't mean that i am going to let myself slip away from the habits i have spent so much time forming over the last 10 weeks. plus i am hoping the working out will help me manage the stress.

so things will either be really quiet or really loud here over the weekend, depending on how exhausted/crazy/emotional i am.

Know Thyself

2010-12-01T10:01:00.000-08:00

I don't have a problem with words. Or using my voice. Anyone who knows me knows that I talk. And talk. And talk and talk and talk. It is one of my favorite things to do, in fact. Once I get over my awkwardness when talking with new people, I can chat all day with them about anything.

But...start asking me questions that need specific, insightful answers about my family and myself, and suddenly I am mute. Or worse, I am a sputtering, uuummming mess. Why is this? I mean, I swear I know my children. We've met. I get them going to school in the morning, keep the youngest all day, am here when they come home in the afternoon, and ~~am stuck with them~~ get to be with them through dinnertime and on into bedtime. We have hundreds of conversations a day, (doesn't "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom," "What??!!!" qualify as a conversation???) and sit at the dinner table together and talk about our days. And Hubby and I have been married for almost 12 years now, have shared hours and hours of time together, are tuned in to each other's moods (you know, someone less familiar with him might not realize that when he doesn't answer my questions or at the very least is monosyllabic and leaves a room anytime I walk in with my mouth open, he just isn't ready to talk - it is subtle, I know.) And then there is me. I should know myself better than anyone, right?

And yet, when, in the course of setting up our family photo shoot for tomorrow, the lovely lady taking the pictures has been emailing me with questions about what we like to do together, what our favorite color is as a family, our favorite ice cream flavor (again, as a family - have you ever tried to get 6 people of varying ages and maturity to agree on one thing???) and then to tell something about each one of us, something fun and quirky that we each love, I draw complete blanks. I have probably made her life more difficult instead of less over the last few days, and she hasn't even met us yet (I imagine there may be some weeping involved when that happens.)

So does all this mean that I don't know my own family? Or maybe it is just that it is hard to truly define what makes us so wonderful and fun? I mean, who wants to be pegged down by labels and favorite colors, right??? We'll just say that we like to be open to liking whatever kind of ice cream we choose at any given moment - it doesn't at all mean that I have no idea.

More Great Things

2010-11-30T10:48:00.000-08:00

Back as promised with the other great things I mentioned...

Last Wednesday was the last day of our family weight-loss competition, and we all said we would hold onto our final weights until we were together at dinner on Thanksgiving. Coming off the high of my run, I couldn't wait to find out who won, and felt pretty confident that it could be me. My sister made us wait until after we had already eaten dinner to cough up our weights, (thank goodness we eat at like2.) Finally it was time, and I was given the final weights to calculate the percentages. Aaaannnddd....

I WON. 16 pounds in 9 weeks. 8.7% of my body weight gone. And $60 in my pocket ($75 if you count my own $15.) This Thanksgiving was one of the very best ever. I plan to get some jeans that fit and/or a pair of boots - and I can't wait!

The other great thing? A surprise NSV that put me over the moon. Randy, a trainer at my fitness center and the leader of the class I take twice a week, said to me yesterday after class "Morgan, you are looking trim!" I was almost giddy with joy. Because here's the thing - it means something when my family says I am looking good, it means a little bit more when acquaintances notice it and comment, but for someone who I consider to be something of an expert in this field to tell me, unsolicited, that I am looking "trim" (a word I have possibly never heard before in conjunction with myself, unless it involved a Christmas tree,) it just meant the world. I came home jumping for joy, and my husband just laughed at me.

The other things aren't weight loss related - 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly and a free family photo session from a local photographer (we have only had one professional family photo done with all four kids, and it is along the lines of a posed Olan Mills picture.) That will be taking place Thursday, the day before my daughter's surgery.

So good things have been happening here, and I am making myself take notice and appreciate the good, and use it to bolster me through the challenges that are coming our way. What are the good things happening in your life?

The Run To Feed The Hungry, or My First 5K

2010-11-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

There are so many good things to share today that I don't even know just where to start. How many posts start out with a statement like that? I guess that the best place to start is last Thursday, when I faced The Run to Feed the Hungry, my very first 5k.

The morning dawned cold and bright. Ice covered the cars in the driveway and the lawn was frosted in a pretty white. I looked outside and knew that I was going to freeze. But it didn't deter me. I had woken up before my alarm and was dressed by 6, which was a full hour and 15 minutes before we needed to leave. My husband was laying in bed sleepily after his alarm had gone off, unable to drag himself out from under the warm covers. I told him that he didn't have to come and wait for me to run, to which he replied that he wouldn't miss it for anything. Tears in my eyes, I went to my kids' room to wake them up and start getting them fed and bundled for the cold. My oldest daughter, Anna (11), informed me that my youngest, Jonathan, had wet his pajamas at midnight, and that she had wiped him down and changed his clothes and put him back to bed. I thanked her and told her that she should have sent him into me, that I would have taken care of it. "No, you needed your sleep" was her reply. Now completely choked up by the love of my family, I went to the kitchen to start gathering snacks for the morning. My husband really got everyone ready to go, as I kind of wandered from task to task, unable to focus on anything for longer than a couple of minutes. My mind kept going to the run ahead of me, my fears and doubts overtaking my thoughts.

We arrived at the race in good time, and waited a few minutes to meet up with our friends, one of whom was running with me. At four months pregnant, I knew that if I couldn't keep up with her, I was in trouble. We stretched and tried to warm up in the freezing temperatures, braved the porta-potties, and then bid farewell to our husbands and kids and made our way to the corrals. We had to weave our way through the crowd of fun-runners, those who had opted not to be timed. Our bibs were purple to their orange, and a surge of excitement went through me when a man pulled his son out of our path and said "Watch out, they have purple bibs, let them through. PURPLE BIBS COMING THROUGH." I felt set apart and special.

We set ourselves in the 12 minute mile area and listened to the news reporters on the lift in front of us try to energize the crowd. After a word from the mayor and a rendition of "America the Beautiful" sung by a 12 year old girl, the gun was fired and we were off. Or rather, the people in front of us were off, while we took a couple of steps before the crowd thinned enough to let us start to run. The first mile was quick and easy, and my fears began to subside a bit. But as people passed me left and right, I began to think that maybe I was too slow for this. I forcefully pushed those thoughts aside, telling myself over and over, "It's about me, not them." It became my mantra in the first half of my second mile, and kept me going at an even pace when my basic instinct was to speed up. This was where having someone to run with really paid off for me - she set a pace, and she really stuck with it, while there were several times I started to speed to a pace I wouldn't have been able to maintain, and which would have had me walking the rest of the race.

As we approached the water table, my friend asked if I wanted to get a drink. I shook my head, feeling that I didn't want to stop or slow for anything. A minute later, my friend, panting, asked if I thought we were at 2 miles yet. She hadn't been running much prior to this, and as I mentioned she is pregnant, and 2 miles was as much as she had ran in the last couple of weeks. Almost immediately after she asked, the 2 mile marker came up, and renewed her dedication. Reaching the last mile with even breath was amazing for me, and I soared on that feeling as I kept moving forward. By this time, many of the people who had passed us earlier had slowed to a walk, and we were passing them for a change. I was so glad for having listened to my own mantra. The last half mile had the potential to be the slowest and most difficult, as my breathing was finally becoming a bit ragged and my legs were tiring. But ahead, in the distance, was an archway of balloons and a banner proclaiming "FINISH," and nothing was getting me down or stopping me at that point.

We ran under that archway, under the big screen projection of ourselves, and by the timer, and my friend turned to me and said "37 minutes" and I wanted to cry with joy. We ran 12 minute miles, my fastest time to date, and we were both thrilled with our results. I had run my very first 5k, without stopping once, which was my biggest fear overcome. The sense of pride in us, in myself, was almost unparalleled in my life, and I was elated. We found our families on the sidelines, and my kids ran to me and embraced me, and my world was perfect. When they stepped aside, I threw my arms around my husband, who was congratulating me and telling me how proud he was of me, and how I can do anything in this world. It was a wonderful moment.

We gathered the troops and made our way to the free snacks, loading up on fruit and granola bars and water. We visited for a bit before making our way back to our cars and going our separate ways to our homes to get showered and ready for our Thanksgiving meals. I couldn't stop looking at my husband and saying, in a tone of amazement and excitement, "I did it!" It was a truly wonderful morning, and the beginning of a great day.

(I look at this picture and I honestly think "Who is that girl??? That can't be me.")

There are more wonderful things to share, but I will leave it here for now, and fill you in later.

through someone else's eyes

2010-11-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

Today I went to three parent teacher conferences, one for each of my school-age children. The first conferences of the year are for all the parents, whereas later in the year you only have to go to one if the teacher is concerned about your child. I don't expect to have to go back this year. But bragging about how wonderful my kids are doing in school isn't why I am posting (even though they are!) My favorite moment this afternoon was in my 3rd grader, Hailey's, class. Her teacher handed me an assessment Hailey had done for language arts. She was supposed to write a letter to an imaginary pen pal.

As it was supposed to be the first letter she had written to the pal, Hailey was introducing herself and her family. I got to the part about her parents (Hubby and I.) She wrote, "My Dad works at a restaurant. It is called Noodles and Company. My mom doesn't work. She runs." I laughed out loud at the fact that my daughter sees me as a runner. Laughed, and then was very, very flattered and mushy about it. It was one of the sweetest things I could have read today. And the next sentence was "She works out every morning." I was so glad that those are the things that Hailey has been seeing me do.

Those sentences could have said "She sits and watches TV all day." A few years ago, heck, sometimes even a few months ago, that would have been true. Or "She yells." Or even "I don't know what she does all day." But the answers she gave made me feel good about what I have been doing, the progress I have been making, and what my children are noticing.

Even though I may see the ways I fall short or fail, in my child's eyes, I am succeeding.

weigh day

2010-11-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

Once again it is a weigh-in day. The second to last one in my competition. If you'll remember, last week I had a gain, and then a not-so-good run, and the combo more or less threw off my groove. Well, this week was much better. My official weight for today was 169.4. HOLY CRAP. I am in the 160's. Not by much its true, but nonetheless, there was a 6 in the tens place in my weight today. It has actually been there for the last three days, which gives me hope that I can make it stick.

This makes it official - I have lost 50 pounds from when I started losing weight about 3 1/2 years ago. It has been a slow progression - I've lost it in about 15-20 pound chunks, losing a chunk (literally) and then maintaining for a while before losing some more. But the thing about it is, in the beginning, I wasn't trying to lose a certain amount of weight, or necessarily any weight at all, I just started walking so that I could sleep better at night. And while I have wished, at different points in time, that it would come off faster, or that during those maintenance times I had kept losing instead, I am pretty proud of myself overall. I haven't gained the weight back at all, and I am still moving forward, however slowly.

As far as this competition goes, I have lost 14.4 pounds in the last 8 weeks, and that seems pretty good to me. Next Wednesday will be the last weigh in, and everyone will withhold their final weights until Thanksgiving when we come together for dinner. At this point, I am winning, but as last week showed me, that could completely change in a week if I don't stay dedicated. Since my sister and my step-mom are smaller than me, it takes a smaller weight loss on their part to pass me in the percentages. So this week I am just going to buckle down and go for the win. The light at the end of the tunnel is my 5k Thanksgiving morning, followed by a guilt-free dinner with my family. Oh yes, a slice of pumpkin pie is on the horizon, and I will use that vision to keep me going.

crazy train

2010-11-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

I am officially freaked out at the prospect of running this 5k on Thanksgiving morning. Last week I was excited. I wasn’t sure if I could make it, but I was going to give it my all and I felt like there was a good chance that I could run the whole thing. And I was going to be proud of myself at any rate. What happened, you ask? Well, last Thursday I met the road for the first time, and the two of us didn’t exactly hit it off. I tried, I really did. I was friendly, optimistic, and just short of jovial. But that road? It was unwelcoming. It was indifferent to my efforts. It was unyielding and uncaring. And while I did the best I could, I felt discouraged.

Over the weekend, that discouragement has turned into fear. I am afraid of running on the road again. And I am worried about the 5k. I am apprehensive, frustrated, and embarrassed about something that hasn’t even happened yet. I have visions of me failing, of having to walk most of the race, of having to face my family at dinner afterwards and tell them that I couldn’t run it. I am completely psyching myself out over this.

What’s that you say? Knock it off? Ha, would that I could (and you sound like my husband.) I have been trying to shut my crazy brain off for 30 years. Ok, more like 23 – I don’t think I was really nuts until I was 7. But if you have any idea as to how to turn around this bad train of thought, feel free to let me know. But you know what? Trains are heavy, and they don’t have power steering.

Healthy Living Checkup courtesy of Mary

2010-11-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am starting this week off with thievery. What does that portend for the rest of the week????

Anyhow, the wonderful Mary over at A Merry Life posted this with the intention for others to fill it in for themselves, plus I am giving her credit, so perhaps it isn't quite thievery. Emulation? Imitation? Infatuation? Ok, I am getting carried away here. Without further ado, here is my healthy living checkup:

1. The best thing I did for my health last week was increase the amount of fruits and veggies I ate.

2. Today I feel positive towards my healthy living progress.

3. Small steps bring about big changes. One small step I took for my health last week was drinking water until my pee was clear (tmi?).

4. I will consider this week a success if I am able to continue eating lots of fruits and veggies and not so many carbs. (I really wanted to put in something about my weight going down, but I am trying to separate my definition of success from a number.)

5. My go-to recipe is my egg and veggie scramble - it is always a bit different, but always yummy.

So there you go. Today I am thankful for other bloggers with great ideas, like this list. What are your answers? (Be sure to link it to Mary!)

Funk-y Town

2010-11-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

I should probably start with the disclaimer that I am not in a happy place today. I am out of the zone and into a funk. Obviously this mood is going to permeate my blogging today.

Yesterday I finally hit the street for my run. I went into it knowing that it would be different, and harder in a lot of ways, than running on the treadmill. But it wasn't until I started that I knew what kinds of different and difficult it would be. I mapped out a straight shot through town (I live in a place that isn't actually classified as a town because it is so small, and I went down the road to the next place over, which is still small.) I knew where 1.6 miles from where I started was, so that I would know when to turn around and head back. It was relatively flat, or so I thought. So I parked my car and started my run.

The first few minutes were really, really awkward. I had a really hard time getting a steady pace going, and it was just a different stride on the pavement. I finally got into a groove, had my breathing somewhat even, and was just going. Only to find out pretty soon that my initial pace? Was TOO fast. So that by the time I had gone about a mile, I knew I wasn't going to make it that way. So I slowed down a bit and kept on going. I made it through the halfway/turn back point without stopping, but it wasn't pleasant and it took a LOT of internal dialogging about how I was not going to give up before I had even gone halfway. As I was headed back towards town, though, with my legs aching and my breathing coming in somewhat jagged inhales, I had to take a minute to walk and regroup. It wasn't far - not more than ten steps or so, before I was running again, despite the fact that my body was angry about it.

Turns out that headed back into town is at a slight incline. Not so noticeable in a car, but on my feet? Crap. But I kept going, kept pushing, for a while, until I had to walk for another minute or so. Lame. But once again I only allowed myself a minute before I was running again. With all intentions of not stopping anymore. And that jived for a while, as painful and difficult as the running was becoming. My abs were amazingly sore from workout class the day before, and I had to keep telling myself that I was not going to be sick, that the soreness was no big deal, and to focus on something else. Oh, and I had to pee. Mostly the whole time. Did you know that bouncing up and down for miles is not easy on a full bladder? Whodda think?

Anyhow, I was nearing the actual main thoroughfare of town when suddenly I was walking again - like I hadn't even been thinking about doing it but all of a sudden my legs. Just. Stopped. And I muttered a bad word under my breath at my body's mutiny. But I once again gave it about a half minute before I picked up the pace again. At that point I could see the stoplight that marked the end of my run, and I told myself that under no circumstances was I going to stop and walk again before I got to it. And I didn't.

All in all I probably walked less than an eighth of a mile, but it felt like so much more. I was so angry that I had to walk at all. That wonderful feeling I had from running the distance on the treadmill on Tuesday? Gone. Like a puff of smoke. All I felt was failure, disappointment, and frustration. It was not a good morning. Luckily I came home to breakfast and a day with my hubby and kids.

Today I was back in the gym for cardio and weights, and while I did the workout and put all the effort into it that I usually do, I just wasn't feeling it. I came home and told Hubby that I am out of the zone. The weight-loss, exercise, motivation zone. I gained weight last week, so far this week isn't looking much better, I am sore and feel beaten up all the time, and I am tired. I am officially in a funk. And believe me, I am funk-y. And not the good kind. No visits to Funky Town here. Maybe Funk-y Town. And it isn't nearly as fun or crazy.

So what do I do to start feeling it again? If you have made it this far in this page of blah and negativity, do you have any advice for me?

One step forward and two steps back

2010-11-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

Wednesday. The day that the scale and I meet officially (as opposed to all those unofficial meetings during the other 6 days of the week. If it ain't Wednesday, it don't count.) I am on week 7 of the 9 week weight-loss competition with my family, and this morning wasn't pretty. And I don't mean the sight of me with frizzy bed hair staring the scale down naked. Although that couldn't have been all that pretty either. Good thing no one else is awake that early, or in the bathroom with me. But I digress...

This morning I weighed in at 173.8, 1.4 pounds higher than last week's weigh in. Now I could whine and cry about it, I could justify my little heart out, but I am not going to. I am just going to own it. It is what it is, and it isn't changing (not even after I pulled the batteries out to reset the scale. Not my finest (naked) moment.) What I am going to do is move forward. I have two weeks left. Two weeks to regain the lead that I lost to my sister this week (by .2 percent.) Two weeks to make better choices in my eating and keep sweating it out at the gym. Two weeks to lose what I can and win this stinking thing. Because I held the lead for 6 weeks, and that felt too good to let go of now.

Today I am grateful for second chances, heck, for third, fourth, and fifth chances even. Because I may take a step or two back, but I have the ability to run those two steps over again and keep going.

YES!!!

2010-11-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

Um, I did it.

Yes, I did.

I know, I can't believe it either.

Oh, wait, you don't know what I'm talking about?

I ran a 5K on the treadmill this morning.

FIRST TIME EVER.

41ish minutes. Which doesn't actually matter at all. No matter how fast or slow I ran, I ran the distance. Still coming off a cold.

I am thankful for being able to overcome my mental block which kept telling me to stop, I've been sick, ease back into it. You know what I said to that inner voice? Shutup. And I ran.

Next step? Hitting the street.

Catching a cold and catching up on some gratitude

2010-11-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

Here we are on Monday morning once again...somehow I missed posting for the last 3 days, and so I will have some thankfulness to catch up on. But first let me tell you what happened on Friday.

I did my morning run, and for the first time IN MY LIFE I ran for 36ish minutes, and made it a distance of 2.9 miles. I have never, never ran that long or that far before. And while it was still short of my 3.2 mile goal, I was pretty proud of it. I have two weeks and two days until the Thanksgiving 5K that I am signed up for, and I am just going to be focusing on increasing my time and distance. Oh, and on actually running outside. I have been on a treadmill this whole time as I was working through the C25K, and I know that it is totally different running on pavement, and so the plan for this week is to map out my run somewhere near my home (somewhere without hills, as the run in Sacramento is very flat - thank heavens) and get out there and start trying.

Those of you who are runners, or who at least have tried it, how does running on the treadmill compare with the street? What should I be aware of?

As of this minute I am fighting the cold that I have been trying to get my oldest daughter over, and as her surgery is in three and a half weeks neither one of us can be sick. I am drinking tons of water and consuming copious amounts of vitamin C, as well as downing Airborne and zinc, all in an attempt to convince my body that I am NOT going to succumb to this disease. I made the choice to miss my workout this morning, hoping not to push my body over the edge, but I hope to feel good enough by tonight to go and do something. Missing it is like having things crawling under my skin - it is a really unpleasant sensation and I am constantly aware of it and it is wigging me out.

So onto my last 4 days of being thankful...

On day #5, I was grateful for music. I LOVE music. I love to sing (I sang tenor in high school and was in a musical where I was a gospel singing nun.) I love to dance. Music makes me feel lighter and happier when I want to, or it embraces my melancholy when I need it to. I love lyrics and melody. If I had to make the horrible choice between being deaf or blind, I would have to go with blind, because to never hear music again would make my life miserable. Friday night, I went with the hubs to see one of our favorite independent bands at a local night club, and it was wonderful. Music just makes me happy.

My 6th day found me grateful for health as I was saying goodbye to mine - nothing makes you appreciate feeing well like not feeling it.

Sunday, or day#7, I was thankful for rainy days when I can stay at home in comfy clothes and just rest. I love to listen to the rain hammering outside while I am snuggled up with a cup of herbal tea and my favorite blanket, finishing an entire novel. Ah, that is bliss.

Which brings me to today. Monday. I think that part of the fun of this month of gratitude is waking up and thinking "what will I be grateful for today?" Today I am grateful the days when I am able to get up and make breakfast for my kids. With all my early morning workouts, they have usually eaten when I get back, and mosts of their breakfasts consist of cold cereal and milk. This morning, since I stayed home, I was able to make them French toast (which I abhor but they love) and it was just gratifying to watch them eat it up, some with powdered sugar lips, and to know that I did something right. They will go off to school this morning with bellies full of warm food, and that is a happy thought.

Becoming an addict

2010-11-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

Today was my down day from exercising, but since my internal clock has been reset to early morning workouts, I was up at 6 anyway, and that was sleeping in! The interesting thing is that mentally, I kind of wanted to go to the gym. My brain kind of thought "Hey, you could work out 6 mornings this week instead of 5 - imagine how that would help your weight loss! And you know you feel good when you are all done working out. Even if you accomplish nothing else all day long, you have done that. You're up anyway. There isn't anything here at home that you need to do this early." As you can tell, my brain likes to convince me to do things - hence the reason it can be so hard to avoid eating those baked goodies I love so much - my brain makes such compelling arguments! But my body was telling me a different story, one about achey-burningness in my shoulders and lower back, and stiff legs that were threatening to not even carry me down the hallway, let alone to the gym. I think that right now, with as hard as I am working out, it is important for me to take two days off a week. But I am beginning to see what people say about working out being addictive.

Onto my fourth day of gratefulness - today I was driving Hubby's truck when it ran out of gas on the freeway. No, that isn't what I am grateful for. But I am grateful for my sister-in-law who came to save me from being picked up by a random trucker. She brought gas for my car, and then followed me to the gas station and put in a few more gallons so I could make it home (payday isn't until Saturday - which is why I hadn't filled the tank already to avoid this predicament!) So for all that I sometimes wish for some distance from my in-laws, I am eternally grateful for Jamie's love and assistance.

Weigh-in and a cutie

2010-11-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for the time change on Sunday - dragging myself out of bed at o-dark-thirty is rough. It doesn't help that the house is cold then either. This morning I woke up at 4:30 - the alarm was set for 5, but I always start waking up before them for fear that the alarm will go off and wake up Hubby. For some reason, it has become impossible to set the volume at which the alarm goes off, and it is set at a jump-out-of-bed-you-are-being-robbed-and-murdered volume. Not good. So I was out of bed at 4:50, and at the gym at 5:35.

Since I completed the C25K plan last week, but am still under 3.2 miles, I have extended my running time this week to 32-33 minutes, and am up to somewhere between 2.6 and 2.7 miles. I've got three weeks, and I am slooowly working my way up there.

Weigh-in for my family challenge was today, and I was down another 2.6 pounds, for a grand total of 11.4 pound in the last 6 weeks. Given that I am also adding muscle, I am THRILLED with this. And I am still winning percentage-wise. Which is great - Mama needs a new pair of boots! But I haven't won it yet - my step-mom is making a comeback with her weight loss, and given that she is 30 pounds smaller than me, she doesn't have to take off as much to have a higher percentage. She currently stands at 5.6%, while I am at 6.2% - that is not a big gap. I hadn't perceived her as so much of a threat before, but she is on my heels. Its always the quiet ones! I will tell you, it was much easier to want to take my brother-in-law down, though - I have a bit harder of a time talking smack about my step-mom. I won't let that stop me, though ;) I am going to take her out!

So only good things for this blog post - that is nice. It is bright and sunny here in Northern California, and slated to be unseasonably warm. And here is day #3 of being thankful:

On day #3, I am thankful for my youngest, 3 1/2 year old Jonathan Neil Joyner. With the other three in school all day, he and I get to spend a lot of time together. He is extremely cute, just ask any of the women who he charms each week at church. He flirts with women shamelessly, at the store, the library, the school - any age, any shape and size - he is equal opportunity! Jonathan constantly tries to talk his way into/out of things, starting sentences with "How about" or "I know!" and raising his eyebrows repeatedly at you to try to get you to do what he wants. I am completely immune, unfortunately for him. Since being potty trained earlier this year, he is determined to mark his territory, asking me at every place we go "Do they have a bathroom here?" I have started telling him no, just because I can't take going into one more bathroom when I know he is forcing himself to go (he also has amazing control over that!) He can be cute and cuddly or independent and willful, and I love watching him figure things out each day. One of my favorite things is the fact that he can pick up almost entire songs the first time or two he hears them, and I will catch him singing parts of them while I am driving or while he is playing (makes you pay attention to what he hears - he was singing "Highway to Hell" from the backseat a while back.) I am thankful for all that he adds to my life and our family.

A Serious Topic

2010-11-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Today I have a very serious issue to talk about. Something that has been plaguing me in the last few weeks as I spend my time in the gym. An issue that I suspect I am not the only one familiar with. This issue, dear readers, is butt sweat. (Should I have put a warning at the top that this may be a TMI post???)

When I work out hard, which I have been over the last couple of months, I sweat. I don't get dewy, I don't glisten, I don't glow. I sweat. Sometimes profusely. From my face, from my neck, in my cleavage, and sometimes my arms and torso. All of which I am ok with. It means I am working my body hard, and I am burning calories, and those are the reasons I go to the gym. And I always wipe down the machines after I use them, with a paper towel and anti-bacterial spray. But when I get up from a weight machine where I have been sitting, and there is a strip of sweat on the seat from my derrière, well that is kind of gross and offsetting. Now, when I work out, I wear plain old cotton undies, and usually a pad *just in case*, so shouldn't that block some of that sweat? Maybe it isn't butt sweat, but rather thigh sweat. Still not my favorite.

So do any of you have this problem. Or are you now sitting at your computers, cringing and thanking the heavens that you don't work out where I work out??? Any input or advice? Or butt sweat stories you'd like to share???

Also, it is Day 2 of Counting My Blessings , and while perhaps I need to work up a thankfulness for my sweating, it isn't what I am grateful for today.

Today as I sit at my desk, making phone calls for dental appointments, calling for support for our upcoming hospital stay, and checking in with family and friends, I am thankful for Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone. I know that there are days when I wish that the telephone wouldn't ring anymore (last night, when all the politicians kept "calling" me to secure my vote is a good example) and I long for a trip to a desert island where no one could find me, but this morning I find the telephone to be an invaluable invention.

What are you thankful for today?