Feeling worthless. Feeling like everything I am is tied to my weight and ability or inability to lose it. Feeling like I'm not as good as the next girl, the skinny one. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I should be able to love myself no matter what size I am. Feeling like I should feel more successful after losing 50 pounds. Feeling like I wish the word "fat" had never been introduced into my vocabulary. Feeling like I just, for once, would like to feel truly happy with who I am and what I look like. Feeling pudgy and gross and just blech. Feeling edgy and irritated and short-tempered and like I am crawling out of my skin. Feeling like I just want a reset button on today.
I've used this picture before, and I'm sure I'll use it again. Some days this is just how I feel when I run. D'oh!
I ate really badly yesterday. Really. Badly. And it showed in my run this morning. I could feel the sugar, carbs, and fats just weighing me down and oozing out of my pores. Gross. My running skirt didn't fit right, and I was just not comfortable the whole run. But I did my four miles, accepted that it was harder than usual due to my own actions, and moved on. Fruits and veggies here I come.
Last Friday I weighed in for the second time for this weight-loss challenge I am doing with my step-mom (which really needs to be called something different - it is just the two of us trying to lose weight until Thanksgiving, encouraging each other.) I have turned most of my focus to working out more - getting in more running and doing some strength on the off days. Anyhow, I had lost 3 pounds. Which was great. Then the weekend came, and my eating wasn't great. And that stretched on into Monday. And then Tuesday. So even though I have amped up the exercising, I am eating more calories than I should. Not only that, but in thinking back over the last two days, I can count the servings of fruits and vegetables I had on one hand. ONE HAND. For TWO days. Unacceptable.
So on my run this morning, I was going over all the ways I failed the last few days in my head. And it was playing like a loop for the first half mile: "You ate too much sugar. You had too many carbs. You didn't eat any veggies. You cannot control your eating. What is wrong with you?..." Until I stopped myself. And thought, what good is beating myself up about it doing? What good has it ever done? So here is what I am going to do instead: today I am going to eat more fruit and vegetables. And be proud of myself for making the choice to eat healthier today, and do my workout this morning, and keep trying, rather than spending my day being down on myself and just feeling bad. Which generally leads to more bad eating. Today I am going to be proactive instead of reactive.
Got up this morning and headed out in the dreaded dark to run - I wasn't brave enough to do the bike trail in the dark again, so I stuck to the neighborhood streets where at least there was some weak light from the streetlights. It was cold this morning, I'd forgotten what that feels like. I went a new way, which included two hills - loved the small challenge. I also threw a couple of sprints in there. All in all, it was just over 3.5 miles, with an average pace of 10.17 minute miles - fast for me. I came back and got the kids off to school - I love having accomplished something big before 8 a.m.!
Had to show off my new shirt - I won it from Ros over at life's a wheeze - you should go get to know her, she is super awesome. And I'm not just saying that because I won ;) I already thought she was cool. I also got $10 on iTunes - new running music? Yes please! I am taking suggestions!
Rain was in the forecast for Northern California last night, and was supposed to continue through today. I set my running stuff out in preparation for the morning, thinking that a run in the rain might be fun. I have heard that lots of runners love to run in the rain, and I was (hesitantly) looking forward to it. I worked the timing out with the hubby to take the eldest child to school so that I would have enough time to run and get back to take the younger two, since it is so dark in the mornings lately I can't leave as early as I used to. I went to bed and set my alarm and fell asleep.
At 3:50 this morning, I woke up to use the bathroom. And the first thing I heard upon waking? Rain. Pouring rain. Dumping rain. Torrential rain. Uh-uh, I thought. If it is raining like that when I get up, I'm not going. It was the kind of rain that leaves you soaked in two seconds flat. I climbed back in bed and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 5:30, the world was silent. No more buckets of rain falling on my roof. So I got up and got dressed and waited for it to be light enough for me to head out. The skies were clear, the world was wet, and it was lovely. I was a bit slow this morning, which I know was because my legs are tired from my fast run on Monday and Jillian yesterday. But I did my 4 miles and got back in time to take the kiddos to school, and am glad I did it despite the fact that I am super sleepy now (that bathroom wake-up was not the only one last night, and I stayed up later than I should have doing some crafty stuff.) Now I am going to finish my crafty stuff and plan dinner and wait for the thunderstorms that are headed our way this afternoon.
You runners out there, do you like running in the rain? Do you have any tips for when I inevitably do run in it?
I did level 2 of the Shred this morning - man, I forgot how hard it was! My arms are a bit shaky now. But I finished, and that is good enough for me. Yesterday I had a great 4 mile run, 11:25 minute miles, which is faster than I have been lately. My step-mom and I started a kind of a challenge last Saturday, trying to eat better and lose a little weight from now until Thanksgiving, but instead of winner we each put in $20 and at the end will take that and go do something fun together. Really, I am using this as a way to push myself to get in more exercise and runs, and to keep my eating in check before the big holidays hit. So far so good.